Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we cleaning up the Gulf Coast oil spill?

Special ever-expanding disaster edition!

11) Building a coastal sea wall out of Depends.

10) Sending in crack team of Jiffy Lube commandos.

9) Setting it on fire to send a message to any other oil rigs that are thinking about spilling.

8) Launching the new Dyson Disaster Vac. Because the only thing that sucks harder than a catastrophic man-made disaster is a Dyson.

7) Building a complete replica of the Gulf Coast along the South American shore, tricking the oil into going the wrong way.

6) Sinking a tanker full of Oxy Clean.

5) Letting Red Lobster use the slick to create its new Petroleum Popcorn Shrimp (available in 5W30 and 10W30 flavors).

4) Offering Michael Brown as a sacrifice to Poseidon

3) Giving the Coast Guard authority to detain anything that behaves like a slow-moving oil spill.

2) Having oil industry lobbyists wade into the slick and scoop up the oil in their deep pockets.

1) Harnessing the same energy source used to construct oil rigs that will never, ever cause an environmental catastrophe: wishful thinking.


Jennifer said...

Every time I see the news I keep thinking of the janitors from school days past and that special puke powder that turned the puke into something manageable. Where are those mighty janitors with their drums of puke powder now??

Actually, Depends sounds like a good idea. I think we need to keep it simple on this one... like skimming oil off of gravy... we need the giant cotton baster brush.

mikeinportc said...

Drill baby,drill! The oil will drain back down the holes to Alaska.....or something. You betchya! ;)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

0.7) Stuff Rush Limbaugh, Jonah Goldberg, Bill Kristol and Glenn Beck into the breach.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

if we keep letting all the juice out, the world is going to get all wrinkly.

Churlita said...

21) Shipping anyone who's ever seriously said, "Drill baby, drill!" Down there to clean up their crap.

317) Make the world's largest Shamwow to sop it right up.

Brando said...

Nice one with the ShamWow, Churlita.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

10) Sending in crack team of Jiffy Lube commandos.

commandos lubing a crack? So that's where Jeff Gannon wound up.

fish said...


It is true, "Jiffy Lube Commandos" sounds like a gay porn movie.

Jiffy Lube Commandos: Crack Team into the Breach.

Brando said...

Jiffy Lube Commandos: Lubed and Loaded.

Mendacious D said...

Part II: Undercover.

Substance McGravitas said...

Strainers would help, wouldn't they? I have one of those.