Special ever-expanding disaster edition!
11) Building a coastal sea wall out of Depends.
10) Sending in crack team of Jiffy Lube commandos.
9) Setting it on fire to send a message to any other oil rigs that are thinking about spilling.
8) Launching the new Dyson Disaster Vac. Because the only thing that sucks harder than a catastrophic man-made disaster is a Dyson.
7) Building a complete replica of the Gulf Coast along the South American shore, tricking the oil into going the wrong way.
6) Sinking a tanker full of Oxy Clean.
5) Letting Red Lobster use the slick to create its new Petroleum Popcorn Shrimp (available in 5W30 and 10W30 flavors).
4) Offering Michael Brown as a sacrifice to Poseidon
3) Giving the Coast Guard authority to detain anything that behaves like a slow-moving oil spill.
2) Having oil industry lobbyists wade into the slick and scoop up the oil in their deep pockets.
1) Harnessing the same energy source used to construct oil rigs that will never, ever cause an environmental catastrophe: wishful thinking.