Beelzebulbs

At a funeral home, three people gather around a coffin. They all wear black, the coffin is black, and black candles light the room.

MOURNER #1
It’s such a shame. He was so young and full of evil. No matter how good things were going, he’d always find a bad side. It was inspiring.

MOURNER #2
I know. I can’t believe he’s gone. We were supposed to go see Slayer next week.

MOUNER #3 (puts his arms around the other two)
I know this is hard for both of you to understand, but he’s in a better place now. He’s with our lord, Satan.

A fourth mourner enters the room carrying a cross made of white roses.

MOURNER #3
What the hell is that?

MOURNER #4
Hey, sorry guys, this was all I could get at the flower shop. I thought we could turn it upside down.

MOURNER #2
Yeah, but white roses?

MOURNER #4 (pulls out can of spray paint and shrugs)
We could paint them black.

A SPOKESMAN appears in a cloud of black smoke. He wears a black cape and has a shaved head with a long, jet-black beard.

SPOKESMAN
Tired of being forced to pick out flowers from some Judeo-Christian florist?

MOURNERS (together)
Yeah!

SPOKESMAN
Than come to Beezebulbs, the only florist dedicated to Satan.

The Spokesman waves his arm and disappears in a cloud of smoke, reappearing at the store. Beezebulbs is lit by black lights and full of dark, twisted, menacing plants. Behind the counter are large black velvet posters of album covers by Black Sabbath, Dio, and Styper, which is turned upside-down. A sign next to the register reads, “Shoplifters will be sacrificed.”

SPOKESMAN
At Beezebulbs, you’ll find flowers and plants for every occasion, helping you deliver an extra bit of darkness to that special Satanist in your life, at prices that kill our competition. Check out this week’s specials….

A puff of smoke explodes as a tiny black cactus plant appears on screen, stuffed in a skull-shaped pot and with a goat’s-head rattle sticking out of it.

SPOKESMAN (voice over)
Celebrate the arrival of a new prince or princess of darkness with our Spawn of Satan package, complete with rattle.

After another puff of smoke, a new plant appears: a mix of bloodroot and nettles, stuffed in a caldron-shaped pot, with an open blank book next to it.

SPOKESMAN (vo)
Or commemorate your child’s development with our special Baby’s First Incantation plant, with complimentary spell book and one free vial of human blood for ink!

Another puff of smoke and a large Venus Fly Trap appears, with a Mylar balloon showing a flying devil holding a “Get Well Soon” sign.

SPOKESMAN (vo)
Need to spread a little malevolence to a sick friend? Send them our special Sick Mother Venus Fly Trap plant, with attached Lil’ Devil balloon. Watching insects being caught and slowly dissolved will surely cheer them up.

A puff of smoke, and a delivery man materializes, wearing a devil costume and bringing a dozen black roses to a woman at work. He hands them to her, the vase showing a snake curled around an apple tree.

SPOKESMAN (vo)
And nothing says, “Happy Anniversary!” like our Black Heart Rose arrangement, with our trademark Original Sin vase. Plus you get free delivery and a free love potion to make your special night a hell of a good time!

The Spokesman appears back at the funeral parlor, carrying a pentagram of roses with a ribbon that says, “Go to Hell, Johnny.”

MOURNER #1 (tearing up)
Now that’s just beautiful.

The store info appears, with a logo showing a bouquet of devil heads.

VOICE OVER
Beezelbulbs, The Best Damned Flower Shop in the World. Located off I-66 at exit 6, between the cemetery and Starbucks. Open six days a week from sundown to sunrise.