10) Cement shoes dragging us to bottom of the Hudson River.
9) Malfunctioning parachute.
8) Excessive weight gain by parasitic twin.
7) Black hole created by imploding NBC prime time schedule.
6) Letting Viagra prescription lapse.
5) The invisible hand of the free market pushing our heads toward the phallus of deregulation.
4) Our pet Kraken.
3) Depression over being too old to be depressed by Cure songs anymore.
2) Third-world devastation interfering with our ability to be racist, xenophobic assholes.