10) Trading sex for blog comments.
9) Not eating our weight in ham.
8) Letting suspicious passengers on planes as long as they provide valuable information about large, unclaimed lottery prizes.
7) Staying fair and balanced by reporting the news instead of spreading the Good News.
6) Removing all dental coverage from the health bill before we pull out its last tooth.
5) Not using the kids' college fund to pay for our American Idol audition. Again.
4) Stretching before deciding to put off going to the gym.
3) Double-checking to make sure we’re leaving the house with pants on.
2) Stopping our swearing, even when some asshole talking on his goddamned fancy-ass iPhone cuts us off in his motherfucking Mercedes douchewagon, which he must be driving to the American Cocksuckers Association meeting in Dickhead City because he’s the fucking keynote speaker.
1) Updating our blogs when we’re supposed to.