Special extended rubber-glove search edition!
12) As a security precaution, all entries to the Mile High Club will be filmed by the TSA and possibly circulated to other interested agencies.
11) Passengers must acquire a Terrorist Tackling Certification before flying internationally.
10) To check for hidden combustible materials, all carry-on bags will be set on fire before boarding.
9) Airline security will take very seriously any jokes or stray giggles when they ask you to lift your sack.
8) Passengers seen reading a book other than the Twilight series will be detained for suspicious behavior.
7) Oxygen masks will be deployed at the start of the flight just in case the aircraft experiences a sudden loss of cabin pressure from a large hole in the fuselage.
6) Before takeoff, the co-pilot will deliver a mumbled, meandering, jumbled monologue about the flight path until all passengers are safely asleep for the duration of the flight.
5) In order to use the bathroom, passengers will be required to exit the aircraft and pee off the edge of the wing. (Note: airlines not responsible for genital wind shear.)
4) Any passenger repeatedly attempting to cram a large bag into the overhead compartment will be Tazerd and relocated to the baggage compartment.
3) All flights will be all nude. (Optional seat wipes will be available for purchase.)
2) Seat belts to be replaced by strait jackets.
1) All travelers not descended from northern European ancestors must display proof of having a Caucasian pole up their ass about airline security or be subject to rectal examination.