10) Washington plans to seriously address deficit reduction by tapping into Rahm Emmanuel’s swear jar.
9) President Obama will lift his sagging poll ratings and increase his appeal to conservatives by posing nude in Cosmopolitan.
8) For just $1,000,000, your corporation can become an official sponsor of next year’s State of the Union. For $2,000,000, you can get a shout out and air fist bump from the president.
7) The United States government will work tirelessly to broker peace between Jay and Conan.
6) The government will strengthen its investigation of terror networks by using a new task force made up of Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby.
5) Due to sagging government revenues, tax refunds will be replaced with store credit.
4) In order to secure the passage of health care reform, President Obama will tell Republicans he absolutely, positively, does not want them to pass health care reform.
3) The government will guarantee that Wall Street will most assuredly take steps to strictly follow new economic guidelines that should under most circumstances prevent the kind of economic abuses that most assuredly will happen again if said stern warning is not heeded.
2) Because of the current economic crisis, the Great Society will be downgraded to the Wouldn’t Kick It Out of Bed for Eating Crackers Society.
1) “And lastly, I want to say that the only thing we have to fear is…wow, that's a long goddamned list. Uh, let’s try this: The only thing we don’t have to fear is…Canada…the extinction of American buffets…and the acceptance of soccer.”