Republicans Declare Carbon Dioxide “Delicious”

GOP Congressmen believe CO2 should be labeled “nutrient” instead of “pollutant”; Vow to add it to the food pyramid.


WASHINGTON – After the Environmental Protection Agency labeled carbon dioxide a “dangerous pollutant,” a ruling that would allow the EPA to regulate CO2 emissions more closely, House and Senate Republicans lined up to condemn the ruling.

“I am tired of CO2 getting a bad name,” said Rep. James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin. “Carbon dioxide helps sustain life on this planet, the same way that oxygen, Jesus, and tax cuts do. That means, just like those three elements, we could all use a little more carbon dioxide in our lives, not less.”

Representative Joe Barton of Texas agreed with his colleague. “Carbon emissions are an essential part of our economic growth, in the same way that they are essential to plant growth. Is the EPA going to tell us plants are bad? Are they going to tell all the liberals that when they hug a tree, they are really hugging a big, bark-covered, eco-terrorist?” Barton then offered a high-five to Sensenbrenner.

Both representatives took special umbrage to the EPA’s ruling in light of the leaked e-mails from the Climactic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia—a scandal dubbed “Climategate” by conservatives.

“These e-mails show scientists doing the unthinkable—expressing their opinions and making fun of people who disagree with them,” Sensenbrenner said. “This small sample of correspondence not only disproves the mountains of data supporting the theory of global warming, but it also shows that scientists are far less trustworthy than preachers, business executives, and lobbyists.”

“And e-mails never lie the way numbers do,” Barton added.

In the Senate, the reaction was equally stern. Senator James Inhofe, (R-19th Century), said that the EPA was “dead wrong” about carbon dioxide. “Do you know what I do every day? I wake up, go in my garage, and start my car. I sit there soaking up the delicious fumes, and in five minutes, I’ve had my full day’s supply of CO2. That little dose of CO2 gives me the nutrients I need to think so clearly on the issues.” Inhofe said he would be presenting a bill to add CO2 to the food pyramid, “so that everyone can have the same brain benefits that I do.”

Inhofe added that he would be traveling to Copenhagen to address the international climate conference and tell them the Senate considered global warming to be “a big myth, like female orgasm.”

When asked how he would get his daily supply of CO2, Inhofe said that would just suck off some tailpipes in the parking lot. “It’s nice to get some international CO2 for a change of pace,” the Senator said. “I especially like getting a little Jaguar exhaust, maybe a Fiat for a snack, although anything from a French car gives me gas.”