Monday, December 07, 2009

The NFL can't keep my dick jokes down

As part of my Officially-NFL-Sanctioned® Bears Blogging, I sat down yesterday to watch the 4-7 Bears take on the 1-10 St. Louis Rams. I turned on my satellite receiver, tuned to the proper NFL Sunday Ticket channel, and was told I was not authorized to view this program.

Nothing says, "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOT-BALLLLL???!!!" like a call to DirecTV's customer support. I talked to a very friendly customer-service person, who told me that I was indeed signed up for Sunday Ticket and paid in full, except that I'd had Sunday Ticket removed from my account (don't ask me how all three of those things could be true). "I'm really sorry, but because your account is bundled with Qwest, you'll need to call them to have your service re-activated," she informed me.

Sigh. Apparently we live in an age where you can download porn to your iPhone in the Badlands of South Dakota, while simultaneously listening to a song called, "Porn on my iPhone" and updating your Facebook page to say, "Im in teh BAdlands lookin @ p0rn on my Iphone!!!!," but two giant faceless corporations that have an official programming partnership can't activate a programming package that I have paid for and didn't ask to be deactivated. But I digress.

I went downstairs and dug out a Qwest statement for my account number. On the statement, there was number listed for DTV problems. How customer-friendly and befitting of Qwest's old slogan, "The Spirit of Service." I called the number and played the usual game with the auto-operator, saying, "yes," my account number, and "me no have football on TV, need football!" A pleasant voice informed me that "The Spirit of Service" only works Monday through Friday, and that they were closed on the weekends.

The voice started to say something else, but I said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" into the phone, which triggered the "Are you fucking kidding me?" subroutine, which started talking to me about bundles or long distance or if I wanted to become prison pen pals with Qwest CEOs convicted of insider trading. I couldn't figure out how to go back to the previous message, so I had to call back and retrace my steps. Skipping the profanity this time, the voice told me I could speak to tech support. I said, "hell yeah" and was connected...to DirecTV.

Luckily the DTV rep from the previous call had written a novella about my service situation, so the new guy knew what my problem was. He told me I could talk to someone in the Bundles department and he should be able to help me. Away I went on a transfer call...wheeee!

Bundle Man assured me he could fix the problem, and after a pause, he asked, "Is it working now?"

"No, it still says I'm not authorized."

"Okay, give me a moment and I'll try something else."

Thus began our 35-minute dance (after my 20-minute dance with my original calls), with us repeating these steps over and over, as if we were rehearsing for Customer Service With the Stars. We reset the receiver, we took the card out of the receiver, I think he made a blood sacrifice to Odin...no dice.

"You know," I told him, "the irony is I'm going through all this trouble to watch the Rams play the Bears."

"Oh, are you a Bears fan?" he asked.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Well, at least you have Jay Cutler," he said cheerily, which is like telling someone "Well, at least you have your penis" after having both testicles removed.

Bundle Man was a champ, however, and he kept doing whatever Great and Powerful Oz mojo he was doing. Finally, up popped the Rams/Bears game. Mercifully, the first quarter was over, although I apparently missed the part of the game where the Bears displayed something called, "offensive production."

I thanked Bundle Man and proceeded to watch a terrible, error-prone, boring game that made me hate being a football fan.

However, comedy comes from pain, and as I watched the Bears outplay the hapless Rams, I at least got to bask in the smoggy glow of an ugly win. Chicago actually blocked people and ran the football and put pressure on the quarterback. It was like they were a young, randy team again, as if a magic pill had cured their limp production this season. Which made me realize they had taken something:

ViagRams

Yes, I have managed to bring the high-brown, subtle, sophisticated humor you have all come to love tolerate to an Officially-NFL-Sanctioned® Bears Blog. Hopefully I won't get called into the commissioner's office and forced to do community service, telling kids around the country about the perils of excessive dick joking.

14 comments:

Churlita said...

Hilarious...Not your pain, but how you write about it.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

It's like two columns in one!

...and teh Cardinals spanked teh Vikes. Now if the Packers can avoid giving one away tonight...

Bill Stankus said...

You probably failed your drug test too.

fish said...

But you wouldn't want the DMV to run your healthcare when you get such excellent efficiency from the freemarket (TM) now would you?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Yes, I have managed to bring the high-brown, subtle, sophisticated humor ...

I am really trying not to be all grammar zombie here, but this sentence seems to be implying that your column relies more on poop jokes than dick jokes.

TalkToQwest said...

Brando,

Good Afternoon! My name is Sipp. I work for Qwest and am the Talk To Qwest Team Lead. "Talk To Qwest" is our online initiative for customer response. I apologize you were frustrated yesterday at the inability to reach someone from Qwest. I wanted to reach out to let you know that you can reach myself or my team at TalkToUs@Qwest.com 7 days a week. Monday - Friday we're on from 7am-7pm MST and Sat/Sun we're generally on from 8am - 5pm MST.
We do appreciate your business and do want you to know that we're here. I'm glad you were able to get the DTV issue resolved tho. If anything happens again let us know and we'll work w/ DTV to resolve the issue!
Hope you're having a Great Day today!
Josh "Sipp" Sippola
TalkToQwest Team Lead
www.twitter.com/TalkToQwest
TalkToUs@Qwest.com


P.S. My best friend and brother are die hard Bears fans as well so I understand your frustrations with them..Have had many a chat about Cutler. They're both hoping to be in position to draft the Suh kid from Nebraska. Having Urlacher out certainly hurts..

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Big Telecom is watching, Brando.

Maybe you'd better wax those legs after all.

Brando said...

Sipp, I sincerely appreciate the response. Honestly, the only thing that irritated me (aside from the issue itself) was that the auto message said your offices were closed before offering me other options. When I muttered my discontent in the phone, that's when I went to another menu because of the voice recognition. I initially thought I was out of luck until Monday.

I've also always had good service from DTV. Sometimes the problems take some doing to resolve, but the reps are always really nice and friendly. Much, much better than my experiences with cable companies.

Lovie Smith said...

Brando,

Good Afternoon! My name is Lovie. I coach the Bears and am the Talk To Bears Team Lead. "Talk To Bears" is our online initiative for fan response. I apologize you were frustrated yesterday by our occasional inability to play the game. I wanted to reach out to let you know that you can reach myself or my team at TalkToLovie.com 7 days a week. Monday - Friday we're on from 7am-7pm MST and Sat/Sun we're generally on from 8am - 5pm MST.
I do appreciate your support and do want you to know that we're here. I'm glad you were able to see us get the issue resolved and actually win a game. If anything happens again let us know and we'll work to resolve the issue!

Roger Goodell said...

Brando,

Good Afternoon! My name is Roger. I work for the NFL and am the NFL Tells You What You Can and Can't Do Lead. "NFLTYWYCCDL" is our online initiative for damage control and sternly worded warnings. I apologize you were frustrated yesterday at the inability to tell "dick jokes." I wanted to reach out to let you know that we will be monitoring you and keeping you on a short leash 7 days a week. Monday - Friday we're on from 7am-7am MST and Sat/Sun we're generally on from 8am - 8am MST. We are always watching.
We don't appreciate your column and do want you to know that we're here with very serious looks upon our faces. I'm glad you understand that future references to Viagra (or any other ED medication, and we know them all) will be tolerated. If anything happens again, I strongly advise you to stay in your house and away from the windows!
Hope you're having a Great Day today!
Roger "Big Brother" Goodall
NFL Tells You What You Can and Can't Do Lead
www.twitter.com/Don'teventhinkofit
ListenToUs@NFL.com


P.S. My best friend and brother were both Special Ops. Just sayin.

Kathleen said...

Brando this is one of your funniest posts ever.

Chris had a somewhat similar story with the NBA package I bought him. maybe I'll get him to post about it.

TalkToCats said...

Brando,

Good Afternoon! My name is Patches. I am the Talk To Cats Team Lead. "Talk To Cats" is our online initiative for cat pictures, preferably with humorous captions. I apologize you were frustrated yesterday at the inability of your blog to attract a wider audience. I wanted to reach out to let you know that you can add pictures of cats to your blog 7 days a week. Monday - Friday from 7am-7pm MST and Sat/Sun generally from 8am - 5pm MST.
We do appreciate your blog and do want you to know that we're here. I'm glad you were able to get 11 comments to this post. If anything happens again let us know and we'll work you to resolve the issue, possibly helping you come up with hilarious misspellings of words to make it seem like a cat typed them!
Hope you're having a Great Day today!
Mr. George Patrick "Patches" Fitzwilliam
TalkToCats Team Lead
www.twitter.com/TalkToCatsWithHilariousMisspelledCaptions


P.S. GO BENGALS, SUCKER! CATZ RULE!

fish said...

Talk to Cats has won a Bedazzeler and my undying love.

Brando said...

Greatest comments ever on this blog. Well done, people, well done.