Special extra desperate negative campaigning edition!
12) Going with what the Magic 8-Ball said.
11) Seems like a guy we could have a beer with, unlike that other asshole we thought we could have a beer with back in 2000.
10) Only name recognized was the guy who was on TV, on that show, the one with the crimes.
9) Well, I was going to stand for this one fella, but then Floyd said if I did that, I was dumber than a sack of pig poop, and I thought that was a pretty convincing argument, so I stood for the other fella.
8) Like a candidate who has the conviction to stare a mountain of scientific evidence in the eye and say, “I’m sticking with Genesis.”
7) Really seemed like he was for change, which resonated with us because we’re homeless.
6) Want a candidate who understands the plight of the rich lawyer with a guilty conscience.
5) Love the way he talks tough out of both sides of his mouth.
4) Can use his magical pixie powers to make federal deficit disappear in his pocket.
3) Believe it is time to put someone with breasts in the White House, and Huckabee’s out since he lost all that weight.
2) Uh, 9/11? Anyone? No?
1) Picking the one with the hottest ass.