Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: What resolutions are we making?

Special extra effort edition!

14) Require proper foot signals and two forms of ID before reaching under stall.

13) Switch gambling efforts to the legal, less offensive sport of banana slug fighting.

12) Make sure to put a pin on the map every time we dump a body.

11) Remember that we blow the breathalyzer and talk to the officer.

10) Send a dominatrix, an Irish Wolfhound in heat, a bag of meth, and a fleet of paparazzi to Perez Hilton's house.

9) Start new Do You Have a Problem With Me and My 9mm Eating This Bag of Mallomars Diet.

8) Let the children know we're going to keep drinking until they stop disappointing us.

7) Construct new missile shield using destructive high-pitched shrieks of Hannah Montana fans.

6) Stop smoking so much….uh…um…man, I know this…that stuff we put in the bong….

5) Finish fall-out shelter soon.

4) Triple the number of robot political calls, because nothing excites voters more than being interrupted six times a day by the disembodied platitudes of your candidate.

3) Return baseball to its good, clean roots of spitballs, corked bats, and throwing games for money.

2) Remove words like assface, jizz mopper, and shit-flinging monkey fucker from our vocabulary before the baby arrives.

1) Keep researching our novel about procrastination.

Have a very Happy New Year. Only thirteen more months before the source of most of my jokes leaves office!

17 comments:

phoebes said...

Those are pretty funny. I'm a new reader. Found you today from the article on blogs in the NYT.

phoebes said...

Since you seem to have a cat or cats, do you do a "Friday Cat Blog" like Washington Monthly? It would have cat lovers tuning in like clockwork.

mikeinportc said...

After that, there's nothin' left . You've pretty much covered it . ;D


( Are banana slugs allowed in the federal pokey?)

blue girl said...

Um, Brando? Were you quoted or something in the New York Times? Are you famous now?

Give us a link!!!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Stop the bongin'?!!

Dude!!!

That is an unattainable dream.

Jennifer said...

Were you quoted or something in the New York Times?

Maybe Brando is really Bill Kristol!!

punkinsmom said...

Is is possible to harness the "destructive high-pitched shrieks of Hannah Montana fans" without irreparable damage to innocent civilians?

Brando said...

Greetings, new readers. Welcome to The Funniest Blog on the Internet!*

To answer the questions:

--I do have cats, three of them. Or, more accurately, my wife and I are owned by three cats.

--I do not do much cat blogging. I think we have reached peak cat blogging levels on the Intertubes. However, I do a regular Top Ten Tuesday and a Random 11 music post on Fridays, and whatever other nonsense I can squeeze in.

--Banana slugs are allowed in prison. Their death row is a special salt bloc.

--I was not quoted in the New York Times. The esteemed Jon Swift, far more famous than I, linked to me in his year-end blog round up, and the NYT linked to him. But I will keep trying to get shit-flinging monkey fucker on the Web pages of the Grey Lady.

--Having said that, yes, I am Bill Kristol. I actually hate conservatives and the whole Weekly Standard gig is a giant ruse to make them look like warjobbing, fascist theocrats. I started this blog just to blow off some of my suppressed liberal steam.

Punkinsmom, the answer is no. However, you can't make a missile shield without breaking a few eggs/cracking the skulls of thousands of civilians from supersonic piercing screams.

Brando said...

*Legal disclaimer:

Said definition of "funniest" subject to change. All jokes are non refundable. Not responsible for peed pants, coffee-splattered keyboards, or lack of laughter.

Jennifer said...

Hey Mr. Funniest Blogger... don't forget it's Project Runway live-blogging night and it's not a rerun. Your presence would be most welcome. I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a monologue.

fish said...

shit-flinging monkey fucker

I was supposed to stop saying that?

Shit.

Churlita said...

You can still say "shit-flinging monkey fucker" after you have kids, just be prepared for them to scream it loudly in front of your parents. The disapproving looks can be a lot of fun during the holidays.

Kathleen said...

ok, Brando, this is one funny post. meeting your very high standards as usual.

But I am sorry to report that nothing will be as funny as "Since you seem to have a cat or cats, do you do a "Friday Cat Blog" like Washington Monthly? It would have cat lovers tuning in like clockwork."

Res Publica said...

I'm with Kathleen. The thought of Brando doing Cat Blogging made me moisten my adult undergarmet.

Snag said...

"Shit-flinging monkey fucker" would represent quite an improvement in the family table discourse around my house. It has also represented a similar improvement in the level of commenting around here.

BOSSY said...

16) Quit bid for U.S. Presidency if we don't garner 30% of the Caucus vote.

Wow, Brando - New York Times to Jon Swift to you -- this is like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon! Can we play again?

billy pilgrim said...

Hey, Brando- since now you're so famous and so close to the Times, can you run over there and kik Kristol in the balls for me?