Special extra effort edition!
14) Require proper foot signals and two forms of ID before reaching under stall.
13) Switch gambling efforts to the legal, less offensive sport of banana slug fighting.
12) Make sure to put a pin on the map every time we dump a body.
11) Remember that we blow the breathalyzer and talk to the officer.
10) Send a dominatrix, an Irish Wolfhound in heat, a bag of meth, and a fleet of paparazzi to Perez Hilton's house.
9) Start new Do You Have a Problem With Me and My 9mm Eating This Bag of Mallomars Diet.
8) Let the children know we're going to keep drinking until they stop disappointing us.
7) Construct new missile shield using destructive high-pitched shrieks of Hannah Montana fans.
6) Stop smoking so much….uh…um…man, I know this…that stuff we put in the bong….
5) Finish fall-out shelter soon.
4) Triple the number of robot political calls, because nothing excites voters more than being interrupted six times a day by the disembodied platitudes of your candidate.
3) Return baseball to its good, clean roots of spitballs, corked bats, and throwing games for money.
2) Remove words like assface, jizz mopper, and shit-flinging monkey fucker from our vocabulary before the baby arrives.
1) Keep researching our novel about procrastination.
Have a very Happy New Year. Only thirteen more months before the source of most of my jokes leaves office!