It's one more random than 10!
The Lovely Becky and I had our first doctor's appointment yesterday. It was the first appointment since the scare-me-shitless incident, and it also came at the end of the first trimester. That means we're at the point where you might notice stuff about little TBD, stuff that could be bad.
The doctor set up the ultrasound, and there was TBD on the screen. I have to admit, it looked more Rorschach than human at first, until we saw the spine and the heart and the head. "Everything looks healthy and normal," said the doctor. I have never been so happy to hear the word "normal." And I know when TBD gets to be a teenager, we'll hear about how s/he needs the right clothes/shoes/hair dye/piercing to be an individual, but right now, I want TBD to be just like all the other normal babies.
Anyway, I want to say thank you to everyone for their support over the years—new virtual friends as well as old fashioned bricks-and-mortar friends. You have no idea how much your words and deeds have helped. I know we're not out of the woods, but I at least feel like I have a map and the Blair Witch is no longer leaving bundled sticks outside my tent. Now let's write about some tunes.
1) "Waiting for the 7.18," Bloc Party. It's odd to hear songs about office life now that my commute consists of climbing a flight of stairs and it's impossible to have good water cooler conversations with cats. I dig this song because, even though the lyrics are a little cloying—making a couplet with "sudoku" is never a good idea—it's a big song, designed to reach the back of the stadium. I like that some bands still try to write those kinds of songs. Does anyone remember grandeur?
2) "Bad Light," Built to Spill. I miss guitar heroics, too, which were unfortunately strip- mined in the 80s by leather-pants-clad cobags playing hammer-ons before they could learn to drive. Built to Spill bring the taste back to guitar heroics, stacking layers of riffs and melodies on top of each other, but without ever sacrificing the song for flash.
3) "Don't Get Excited," Graham Parker. An oldie that I recently discovered and wonder how I missed this. He manages to out-Elvis Costello Elvis Costello. Catchy, angryish new wave with great riffs and clever, often sarcastic lyrics. Also known as "my cup of tea."
4) "Lipstick Sunset (Live)," John Hiatt. Fellas, if you need a good song to set the mood with your lady, this is a great choice. Hiatt croons some romantic lyrics over a slow, but not too slow, beat. The perfect road trip song for the journey from the living room to the bedroom.
5) "The Hammer," Motorhead. Also a great romantic choice if you're dating Gina from The 40-Year Old Virgin. Amusing Motorhead aside: Freshman year of college, I had to take a composition course. Our teacher, one of the grad students, used to wear a complete preppy outfit of penny loafers, Levi's, and a tweed jacket, but added a Motorhead t-shirt to the mix. At the time I thought he was a tool, but I realize now he was also an irony pioneer.
6) "Prison Sex," Tool. Perfect for setting the mood if you're incarcerated. Hey, Mad Dog, they're playing our song! Will you walk me to my cell? This is the only album I ever bought because of a music video.
7) "Good Luck," Basement Jaxx. Danceflooricious.
8) "For All the Cows," Foo Fighters. I loved the first Foo Fighters album because of songs like this, but never got into their other albums after that. However, I hope Dave Grohl continues to be popular, because he gets what it means to be a rock star. He's completely dedicated and passionate and yet doesn't take himself too seriously.
9) "Perfect Circle," R.E.M. At the other end of the serious spectrum. Michael Stipe ruined R.E.M. for me, as much as he made me like them in the first place. Has he smiled since Out of Time came out? It's not like I want musicians to be Lenny Bruce necessarily, but you play rock music for a living. Pull the microphone pole out and loosen up a bit.
10) "Dog Eat Dog," AC/DC. I remember seeing an interview with baseball steroid gladiator Jason Giambi, back when he was an emerging star instead of a state's witness. He was wearing a hat that read, "Drive it like you stole it." That's how AC/DC played music before Bon Scott choked to death, like they had been given the keys to a Ferrari and they had better floor it to 150 before someone realized who was behind the wheel. That's also why I always crank early AC/DC to 11.
11) "Jail Guitar Doors," The Clash. Songs like this are why the first Clash album is on my desert island list.
The Lovely Becky bought me this for Christmas, and there will be some serious dork blogging about it later this weekend. Until then, have a good one.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Happy Holidays
The Official Christmas Tree of Brando/TLB Worldwide, Inc. One of the packages under there will be the subject of a post next week. Note: the tree is actually straight, it's the doofus taking the photo who is listing.We are in the NWI for another year of The Noise and The Heat at my grandma's house. Yesterday, we broke the baby news to my extended family. The Lovely Becky has reached the first trimester and everything is going okay, so it seemed like a good time. I don't think sharing good baby news will ever stop feeling refreshing.
Yesterday I was wrapping up a present for my mother, a present that is baby-related. I wanted to sign it from the three of us, but wasn't sure what to call our child. After some discussion with TLB, we settled on "TBD." That seems very appropriate to us.
So from our house to yours, happy holidays and safe travels.
Brando, TLB, and TBD
Friday, December 21, 2007
No Cookies for Old Men
Author's note: Some of the bloggers circled around Circle Jerk at the Square Dance have been engaged in a holiday baking contest. If you have not been involved in the contest or reading the posts, the following is probably not going to make a lot of sense. I apologize for that. In short, this baking contest goes back a couple years, and each year there are boasts, insults, allegations of cheating, sulking, and occasional bursts of goodwill toward the fellow bakers. The links spread throughout may help explain the story. Also, if you haven't seen No Country for Old Men, you may want to watch the trailer first.
On screen:
A FILM BY JOEL AND ETHAN COBAG
On screen:
BASED ON THE BLOG POST BY ADORABLE GIRLFRIEND
In a large, darkened mansion, a pair of fashionable black pumps creep up a flight of stairs. A woman, her face unseen, ascends the wide staircase. She holds a menacing, four-foot tube of cookie dough with a dispenser attached to it. Reaching the top, she enters a bedroom. She comes upon a sleeping man, THE SKIMMER, and wakes him up. The camera pulls back and we see it is BLUE GIRL. She extends a cookie to him.
BLUE GIRL
I need you to call this: yummy or yuck?
SKIMMER
It's one in the morning!
BLUE GIRL
I know. Just call it.
SKIMMER
I need to know what I stand to win.
BLUE GIRL
Everything.
The following words appear on a black screen:
IN A COOKIE CONTEST, YOU CAN BAKE ANYTHING
Inside a log cabin, The Lovely Becky enters, carrying a box. She walks past Brando.
BRANDO
What's in the box, TLB?
TLB
Cookies.
BRANDO
Just cookies?
TLB gives Brando a serious look but says nothing. She takes the large box out of sight.
On screen:
BUT EVERY COOKIE
In a kitchen, JENNIFER and THE UNCANNY CANADIAN look at a mess of crushed boxes and crumbled cookies.
UNCANNY CANADIAN
It's a mess, isn't it, Queen Jennifer?
On screen:
LEAVES A TRAIL OF CRUMBS
JENNIFER
If it ain't a mess, it'll do 'til the mess arrives. (A doorbell rings). Speaking of messes, that must be Kathleen's entry.
In an office, RES PUBLICA sits talking to CHUCKLES.
RES
Are you sure you can win this, Chuckles? Because I can't enter, and that cheater has to be stopped.
CHUCKLES
You leave it to me. But do her cookies really taste that bad?
RES
Compared to what? The bubonic plague?
A series of scenes follow in quick succession:
Blue Girl walks away from a box of shortbread as it explodes.
Blue Girl runs her car over a box that says "Mandos."
Blue Girl wrestles a faceless man in red track suit. As his feet kick wildly on the kitchen floor, we see a pair of egg beaters slowly coming to a stop.
The Uncanny Canadian opens a box and pulls up a red track suit top. It's covered with green cookie dough.
UNCANNY CANDIAN
We got a real loose cannon here. Do you think that TLB has any idea of the sort of baker that's on her?
JENNIFER
She's seen the same things I've seen and it certainly has made an impression on me.
Brando sits on a bus.
BRANDO
Becky, I'm scared.
TLB
Jesus Christ, do I always have to be the one that wears the pants?
Jennifer stands in the Brando/TLB log cabin, which is splattered with green dough.
JENNIFER
It's an all-out war.
In his kitchen, Chuckles sits facing Blue Girl. She raises her dough dispenser to his mouth.
BLUE GIRL
If the recipe you followed brought you to this, what good is the recipe?
TLB stands in her kitchen, covered in flour.
TLB
What is Blue Girl, the ultimate badass baker?
CHUCKLES
You have no idea what she will do to win.
Blue Girl bursts into Res's office, carrying her giant tube of dough. His eyes widen in horror as he sees her dough tube: it reads "Pillsbury."
RES
I knew it!
Blue Girl sits across from Brando. She holds a cookie for him to taste.
BLUE GIRL
Call it.
On screen:
NO COOKIES FOR OLD MEN
DECEMBER 2007
On screen:
A FILM BY JOEL AND ETHAN COBAG
On screen:
BASED ON THE BLOG POST BY ADORABLE GIRLFRIEND
In a large, darkened mansion, a pair of fashionable black pumps creep up a flight of stairs. A woman, her face unseen, ascends the wide staircase. She holds a menacing, four-foot tube of cookie dough with a dispenser attached to it. Reaching the top, she enters a bedroom. She comes upon a sleeping man, THE SKIMMER, and wakes him up. The camera pulls back and we see it is BLUE GIRL. She extends a cookie to him.
BLUE GIRL
I need you to call this: yummy or yuck?
SKIMMER
It's one in the morning!
BLUE GIRL
I know. Just call it.
SKIMMER
I need to know what I stand to win.
BLUE GIRL
Everything.
The following words appear on a black screen:
IN A COOKIE CONTEST, YOU CAN BAKE ANYTHING
Inside a log cabin, The Lovely Becky enters, carrying a box. She walks past Brando.
BRANDO
What's in the box, TLB?
TLB
Cookies.
BRANDO
Just cookies?
TLB gives Brando a serious look but says nothing. She takes the large box out of sight.
On screen:
BUT EVERY COOKIE
In a kitchen, JENNIFER and THE UNCANNY CANADIAN look at a mess of crushed boxes and crumbled cookies.
UNCANNY CANADIAN
It's a mess, isn't it, Queen Jennifer?
On screen:
LEAVES A TRAIL OF CRUMBS
JENNIFER
If it ain't a mess, it'll do 'til the mess arrives. (A doorbell rings). Speaking of messes, that must be Kathleen's entry.
In an office, RES PUBLICA sits talking to CHUCKLES.
RES
Are you sure you can win this, Chuckles? Because I can't enter, and that cheater has to be stopped.
CHUCKLES
You leave it to me. But do her cookies really taste that bad?
RES
Compared to what? The bubonic plague?
A series of scenes follow in quick succession:
Blue Girl walks away from a box of shortbread as it explodes.
Blue Girl runs her car over a box that says "Mandos."
Blue Girl wrestles a faceless man in red track suit. As his feet kick wildly on the kitchen floor, we see a pair of egg beaters slowly coming to a stop.
The Uncanny Canadian opens a box and pulls up a red track suit top. It's covered with green cookie dough.
UNCANNY CANDIAN
We got a real loose cannon here. Do you think that TLB has any idea of the sort of baker that's on her?
JENNIFER
She's seen the same things I've seen and it certainly has made an impression on me.
Brando sits on a bus.
BRANDO
Becky, I'm scared.
TLB
Jesus Christ, do I always have to be the one that wears the pants?
Jennifer stands in the Brando/TLB log cabin, which is splattered with green dough.
JENNIFER
It's an all-out war.
In his kitchen, Chuckles sits facing Blue Girl. She raises her dough dispenser to his mouth.
BLUE GIRL
If the recipe you followed brought you to this, what good is the recipe?
TLB stands in her kitchen, covered in flour.
TLB
What is Blue Girl, the ultimate badass baker?
CHUCKLES
You have no idea what she will do to win.
Blue Girl bursts into Res's office, carrying her giant tube of dough. His eyes widen in horror as he sees her dough tube: it reads "Pillsbury."
RES
I knew it!
Blue Girl sits across from Brando. She holds a cookie for him to taste.
BLUE GIRL
Call it.
On screen:
NO COOKIES FOR OLD MEN
DECEMBER 2007
Championship Vinyl is closed today
Hey kids, I'm running around finishing shopping and what not today, so the Random 11 will be off until next Friday. I'm hoping to put up a post about the Cookie Contest later tonight if I don't go to jail for shooting consumers with too much holiday spirit.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
First Word, One Syllable, Sounds Like Bush
Inside the White House, the Presidential and Vice Presidential families gather round a roaring fire near the Christmas tree. LAURA, JENNA, and BARBARA BUSH sit with VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, LYNNE CHENEY, MARY CHENEY, and her partner, HEATHER POE. CONDOLEEZA RICE stands by the fire, an empty glass in her hand. PRESIDENT BUSH mans the punch bowl.
Laura Bush chain smokes while the Cheney's and Bush's make small talk. Vice President Cheney ignores them, running his index finger over a globe.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (poking at various countries on the globe)
Eenie, meenie, miny, moe, pick a target by its toe….
PRESIDENT BUSH (holding up punch ladle)
Who wants more of my Bunch?
MARY (waving empty glass and slurring)
I do, I do!
HEATHER
(To Mary) I think you've had enough. (To Bush) Mr. President, no more punch for her.
PRESIDENT BUSH
It's "Bunch," dear.
HEATHER
Bunch?
PRESIDENT BUSH
That's an abbreviational for "Bush punch." It's a special Bush recipe.
POE
What makes it so special?
PRESIDENT BUSH (smirking)
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Tell her, tell her!
LYNNE
Dick!
PRESIDENT BUSH
(To himself) Heh-heh-heh, that never gets old. (To Rice) Condi, I know you want some.
CONDI (slurring with inebriation)
Sssure. And make mine extra ssspecial
PRESIDENT BUSH
Two extra specials coming up.
When no one is looking, President Bush holds his wrist above the cup and presses a cufflink. Brown liquor pours out from under his shirt cuff into the cups. He ladles a small amount of punch into the glasses. As he turns to give Condi her glass, a large, bottle shaped hump appears under the back of his suit coat.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Bottoms up!
As President Bush goes to drink, Condi hooks her drinking arm around his, pulling herself in close to the President.
CONDI
Is that a direct order, sssir?
Laura gives Condi a stare.
LAURA (overly cheerful)
Condi, I am surprised you're not spending Christmas with your family?
CONDI (draining her Bunch in one gulp first)
I don't have any family.
LAURA
Oh, that's right! I'm the one with the children and the husband. (She exhales smoke in Condi's direction.)
LYNNE (clears throat)
Say, what about a game of charades?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (under breath)
Lord, give me another heart attack now.
PRESIDENT BUSH
That sound like fun! I want to be Sonny Bono.
LAURA
No, dear, not Cher-ades. Cha-rades, where you have to guess the word.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I knew that. Okay, okay, let me go first.
President Bush motions for one word, one syllable. Before he does anything, Cheney guesses.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Poop.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh-heh, how'd you know, Dick? Heh-
Vice President Cheney raises a finger and makes a throat slashing gesture at the President. Bush's last heh-hehs get cut off.
PRESIDENT BUSH (swallowing hard)
Mary, why don't you go?
MARY (finishing her Bunch)
Ummm, okay.
She motions for four words, first word, one syllable. While looking at Jenna, Mary points to her own eye.
JENNA
Eye…(Mary claps)…oh, I! I guessed right. (To Barbara) I'm winning!
Barbara rolls her eyes. Mary motions for the second word, one syllable, and strikes The Thinker pose.
JENNA
I…sit on the toilet?
PRESIDENT BUSH
I poop!
BARBARA
I think.
Mary claps and motions for the third word. She gestures for third word, two syllables. She points to Jenna.
JENNA
Me? I think me?
BARBARA (sighing)
I think Jenna.
JENNA
What? What do I think?
Mary motions for the fourth word, one syllable. She waves her hand like she's fanning herself.
PRESIDENT BUSH
I think Jenna waves. What the heck does that mean?
BARBARA
It's "hot."
Heather stands up.
HEATHER
You think Jenna's hot? How could you?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Probably because you look like K.D. Lang.
Heather runs out of the room. Mary runs after her. There's a pause before Jenna turns to Barbara.
JENNA
In your face, Barbara! Mary thinks I'm hot.
BARBARA
You know, what, Jenna? Why don't you….
LAURA
Girls? You promised.
BARBARA (waits a beat, then smiles)
You're right, mother. Here, I've got one.
Barbara stands up and indicates one word, one syllable. She cups her ear.
LAURA
Sounds like…
Barbara makes a spanking motion.
LAURA
Sounds like, "spank."
Barbara then points to Jenna.
LAURA
Um, drank, prank…
CONDI
Ssskank!
Barbara claps. Laura stands up and throws her cigarette on the floor.
LAURA (to Condi)
Don't you talk to my daughter like that, you helmet-haired hussie!
CONDI
What's your bony-ass, cancer sucking, Stepford ass going to do about it?
Laura lunges at Condi and pulls at her hair. Jenna shoves Barbara as well.
JENNA
I'm not a skank. You're just jealous because I'm Mary Cheney's favorite Bush.
BARBARA
I'll bet you are.
Jenna gets a confused look for a moment, then makes an angry face. She lunges at Barbara and they go tumbling to the floor.
The four women fight for a moment, eventually spilling out of the room and out of sight.
LYNNE
Shouldn't somebody do something?
PRESIDENT BUSH (pouring himself more Bunch)
Oh, the Secret Service should stop them before anyone gets seriously hurt. Come on, let's keep playing.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
You want to play charades, George? Okay, here's one for you.
Cheney stands up and signals three words, first words, two syllables. He points to his eye.
PRESIDENT BUSH
See…sight…blind…Stevie Wonder!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Christ on a crutch!
PRESIDENT BUSH
That's more than one syllababel.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's "I," you chimp.
He motions for second word, one syllable. Cheney starts running in place.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Trotting…jogging…Jim Fixx…heart attack…Oh my God, are you having a heart attack?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
For God's sake, it's "Iran."
PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I was going to guess that.
Cheney motions for the third word, two syllables. He extends his arms and runs around the room, making jet engine and bombing noises.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Flying…Jets…Wings…Paul McCartney…Baby, I'm Amazed…Baby Fishmouth.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's Iran Airstrike! It's the same fucking clue I've been giving you for the last two years, you goddamned smirking buttfaced mouthbreathing….
He stops and grabs his heart.
PRESIDENT BUSH (excited)
Wait, I know this one: heart attack!
LYNNE (standing up, nonplussed)
No, he's just having some chest pains. He needs to take a time out and relax a bit. (She takes the Vice President's hand.) Come, dear, think happy thoughts. Unilateral military action…executive privilege…the presidential line of succession.
She leads the Vice President out of the room. Bush stands alone for a moment, then triggers his cufflink and fills his glass with booze, not even bothering to add punch before drinking.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh, poop.
Laura Bush chain smokes while the Cheney's and Bush's make small talk. Vice President Cheney ignores them, running his index finger over a globe.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (poking at various countries on the globe)
Eenie, meenie, miny, moe, pick a target by its toe….
PRESIDENT BUSH (holding up punch ladle)
Who wants more of my Bunch?
MARY (waving empty glass and slurring)
I do, I do!
HEATHER
(To Mary) I think you've had enough. (To Bush) Mr. President, no more punch for her.
PRESIDENT BUSH
It's "Bunch," dear.
HEATHER
Bunch?
PRESIDENT BUSH
That's an abbreviational for "Bush punch." It's a special Bush recipe.
POE
What makes it so special?
PRESIDENT BUSH (smirking)
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Tell her, tell her!
LYNNE
Dick!
PRESIDENT BUSH
(To himself) Heh-heh-heh, that never gets old. (To Rice) Condi, I know you want some.
CONDI (slurring with inebriation)
Sssure. And make mine extra ssspecial
PRESIDENT BUSH
Two extra specials coming up.
When no one is looking, President Bush holds his wrist above the cup and presses a cufflink. Brown liquor pours out from under his shirt cuff into the cups. He ladles a small amount of punch into the glasses. As he turns to give Condi her glass, a large, bottle shaped hump appears under the back of his suit coat.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Bottoms up!
As President Bush goes to drink, Condi hooks her drinking arm around his, pulling herself in close to the President.
CONDI
Is that a direct order, sssir?
Laura gives Condi a stare.
LAURA (overly cheerful)
Condi, I am surprised you're not spending Christmas with your family?
CONDI (draining her Bunch in one gulp first)
I don't have any family.
LAURA
Oh, that's right! I'm the one with the children and the husband. (She exhales smoke in Condi's direction.)
LYNNE (clears throat)
Say, what about a game of charades?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (under breath)
Lord, give me another heart attack now.
PRESIDENT BUSH
That sound like fun! I want to be Sonny Bono.
LAURA
No, dear, not Cher-ades. Cha-rades, where you have to guess the word.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I knew that. Okay, okay, let me go first.
President Bush motions for one word, one syllable. Before he does anything, Cheney guesses.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Poop.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh-heh, how'd you know, Dick? Heh-
Vice President Cheney raises a finger and makes a throat slashing gesture at the President. Bush's last heh-hehs get cut off.
PRESIDENT BUSH (swallowing hard)
Mary, why don't you go?
MARY (finishing her Bunch)
Ummm, okay.
She motions for four words, first word, one syllable. While looking at Jenna, Mary points to her own eye.
JENNA
Eye…(Mary claps)…oh, I! I guessed right. (To Barbara) I'm winning!
Barbara rolls her eyes. Mary motions for the second word, one syllable, and strikes The Thinker pose.
JENNA
I…sit on the toilet?
PRESIDENT BUSH
I poop!
BARBARA
I think.
Mary claps and motions for the third word. She gestures for third word, two syllables. She points to Jenna.
JENNA
Me? I think me?
BARBARA (sighing)
I think Jenna.
JENNA
What? What do I think?
Mary motions for the fourth word, one syllable. She waves her hand like she's fanning herself.
PRESIDENT BUSH
I think Jenna waves. What the heck does that mean?
BARBARA
It's "hot."
Heather stands up.
HEATHER
You think Jenna's hot? How could you?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Probably because you look like K.D. Lang.
Heather runs out of the room. Mary runs after her. There's a pause before Jenna turns to Barbara.
JENNA
In your face, Barbara! Mary thinks I'm hot.
BARBARA
You know, what, Jenna? Why don't you….
LAURA
Girls? You promised.
BARBARA (waits a beat, then smiles)
You're right, mother. Here, I've got one.
Barbara stands up and indicates one word, one syllable. She cups her ear.
LAURA
Sounds like…
Barbara makes a spanking motion.
LAURA
Sounds like, "spank."
Barbara then points to Jenna.
LAURA
Um, drank, prank…
CONDI
Ssskank!
Barbara claps. Laura stands up and throws her cigarette on the floor.
LAURA (to Condi)
Don't you talk to my daughter like that, you helmet-haired hussie!
CONDI
What's your bony-ass, cancer sucking, Stepford ass going to do about it?
Laura lunges at Condi and pulls at her hair. Jenna shoves Barbara as well.
JENNA
I'm not a skank. You're just jealous because I'm Mary Cheney's favorite Bush.
BARBARA
I'll bet you are.
Jenna gets a confused look for a moment, then makes an angry face. She lunges at Barbara and they go tumbling to the floor.
The four women fight for a moment, eventually spilling out of the room and out of sight.
LYNNE
Shouldn't somebody do something?
PRESIDENT BUSH (pouring himself more Bunch)
Oh, the Secret Service should stop them before anyone gets seriously hurt. Come on, let's keep playing.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
You want to play charades, George? Okay, here's one for you.
Cheney stands up and signals three words, first words, two syllables. He points to his eye.
PRESIDENT BUSH
See…sight…blind…Stevie Wonder!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Christ on a crutch!
PRESIDENT BUSH
That's more than one syllababel.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's "I," you chimp.
He motions for second word, one syllable. Cheney starts running in place.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Trotting…jogging…Jim Fixx…heart attack…Oh my God, are you having a heart attack?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
For God's sake, it's "Iran."
PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I was going to guess that.
Cheney motions for the third word, two syllables. He extends his arms and runs around the room, making jet engine and bombing noises.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Flying…Jets…Wings…Paul McCartney…Baby, I'm Amazed…Baby Fishmouth.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's Iran Airstrike! It's the same fucking clue I've been giving you for the last two years, you goddamned smirking buttfaced mouthbreathing….
He stops and grabs his heart.
PRESIDENT BUSH (excited)
Wait, I know this one: heart attack!
LYNNE (standing up, nonplussed)
No, he's just having some chest pains. He needs to take a time out and relax a bit. (She takes the Vice President's hand.) Come, dear, think happy thoughts. Unilateral military action…executive privilege…the presidential line of succession.
She leads the Vice President out of the room. Bush stands alone for a moment, then triggers his cufflink and fills his glass with booze, not even bothering to add punch before drinking.
PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh, poop.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we end up on the naughty list?
10) Acted like a real turkey toward the one group in Iraq that likes us.
9) Have more mistresses than approval points.
8) Stuck a little something in Iran's lead stocking.
7) Compared liberals to fascists despite being a fascist about sharing the Cheetos with other National Review staffers.
6) Called husband by pool boy's name.
5) Called wife by pool boy's name.
4) Ate more than our share of the American pie, grabbed everyone else's share, and then licked the few crumbs they had off their faces.
3) Delivered a urine sample so full of performance enhancers, the cup came back from the lab and hit 40 home runs.
2) Reported that we were beat up for our conservative views on sex, when it turns out we were just beating off.
1) Last name rhymes with "Bush."
9) Have more mistresses than approval points.
8) Stuck a little something in Iran's lead stocking.
7) Compared liberals to fascists despite being a fascist about sharing the Cheetos with other National Review staffers.
6) Called husband by pool boy's name.
5) Called wife by pool boy's name.
4) Ate more than our share of the American pie, grabbed everyone else's share, and then licked the few crumbs they had off their faces.
3) Delivered a urine sample so full of performance enhancers, the cup came back from the lab and hit 40 home runs.
2) Reported that we were beat up for our conservative views on sex, when it turns out we were just beating off.
1) Last name rhymes with "Bush."
Friday, December 14, 2007
Help TLB get going on her next novel
The Lovely Becky wants to get crank on her new novel over the semester break, but she needs some new tunes that are good to write by. Stop on by and drop some suggestions in the comment box.
Friday CJ Random 11
I think many of the millions of you who read this blog also read the funniest blog on the Internet, I Am Bossy. However, she posted awful news about a terrible family tragedy: her daughter was attacked by a neighbor's dog and bitten on the face, losing her lip. The doctors grafted it back on, but they don't know yet if it will take.
The more I've thought about it today, the more it makes me sick. People have to take responsibility for their pets. The attack reminded me of a dog attack suffered by one of TLB's younger cousins, who also has a very sweet smile like Bossy's daughter. She lost part of her finger this past fall when she was petting a neighbor's dog, an animal she had petted many times before, but which was also a pit bull. Seriously, what are people thinking when they own animals like this? I hope that dog that attacked Bossy's child gets put down immediately, and the owners should never be allowed to own so much as a fish since they clearly can't manage their pets properly.
Anyway, please offer a prayer/thought for Bossy and her daughter, or go over and leave a comment.
Music always helps me take my mind of things, so here's today's list.
1) "Jackson," Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash's voice is always soothing. No matter what happens, you can always play some man in black.
2) "At the Movies (Rock for Light)," Bad Brains. When you're full of rage and want to hit something but can't, hardcore punk like Bad Brains is a good release.
3) "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," The Rolling Stones. Such a revolutionary song really ruined by the geriatric Stones still playing it. I have no problem with Mick and Keef and the rest touring, recording, and so on. Their musicians, they love what they do, more power to them, I hope the rock til they drop. But once they reached a certain age, they should have removed certain songs from their set list, like this one. It just doesn't work when sung by someone old enough to draw from a 401k without penalty. Compare the Sullivan version vs. the Cialis version.
4) "Mildred Pierce," Sonic Youth. I caught "Homerpalooza" episode of The Simpsons the other day, which is old enough that Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins was drawn with hair. Anyway, Sonic Youth were in that episode, with bassist Kim Gordan uttering the classic line, "Hey, Hullabalooza isn't about freaks; it's about music, and advertising, and youth-oriented product positioning." Little did they know how much more true that would become by the time Billy Corgan lost his hair, lost his band, and regained his band.
5) "Family Snapshot," Peter Gabriel. This is a terrific Gabriel track, with a passionate vocal and a nice soft opening that builds to rocking main portion of the song. But what do I hear in the back of the mix? A cowbell. Will Ferrell's collateral damage continues.
6) "Stan (Live)," Eminem with Elton John. This is from the Grammy Awards performance. The most unlikely duet pairing since Axl "Immigrants and Faggots" Rose and Elton John sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" at the Freddy Mercury tribute show. I guess Sir Elton isn't afraid to sing with controversial people. Too bad he missed his chance to sing "What's Love Got to Do With It?" with Ike Turner.
7) "Brass Buttons," Gram Parsons. I think this is what the Eagles were trying to sound like. If this isn't a tequila sunrise, I don't know what is.
8) "It's Been a Hard Day's Night," The Beatles. To follow up on "Satisfaction," McCartney could play this and it would still seem okay. But if he tried to play "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," now, it would seem kind of silly. Especially because the reason he wants to hold your hand is to hand you the divorce settlement and be done with it.
9) "Losing My Edge," LCD Soundsystem. I'm normally not a big fan of speak-singing songs, where the guy or gal talks more than sings. Maybe that's why I never made a big connection with rap. But this is a pretty funny song about an older DJ expressing his fear of losing his edge to the "kids coming up from behind," and then trying to show he's still cool by talking about the shows he's gone to and the records he owns. As someone with a Peter Pan complex, I can completely relate. Worth it for this line alone: I'm losing my edge to the art-school Brooklynites in little jackets and borrowed nostalgia for the unremembered eighties. Christian from Project Runway, I think he's talking about you.
10) "Plush," Stone Temple Pilots. They were poor man's Pearl Jam, but I liked a lot of their hits, including this one. I admit to singing along in the car.
11) "Dio," Tenacious D. Dio, time to go, you must give your cape and scepter to me! I will never admit, even under threat of waterboarding, how much I have air guitarred to Dio.
Have a great weekend, and I'm praying for a speedy, full recovery for Bossy's Daughter.
The more I've thought about it today, the more it makes me sick. People have to take responsibility for their pets. The attack reminded me of a dog attack suffered by one of TLB's younger cousins, who also has a very sweet smile like Bossy's daughter. She lost part of her finger this past fall when she was petting a neighbor's dog, an animal she had petted many times before, but which was also a pit bull. Seriously, what are people thinking when they own animals like this? I hope that dog that attacked Bossy's child gets put down immediately, and the owners should never be allowed to own so much as a fish since they clearly can't manage their pets properly.
Anyway, please offer a prayer/thought for Bossy and her daughter, or go over and leave a comment.
Music always helps me take my mind of things, so here's today's list.
1) "Jackson," Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash's voice is always soothing. No matter what happens, you can always play some man in black.
2) "At the Movies (Rock for Light)," Bad Brains. When you're full of rage and want to hit something but can't, hardcore punk like Bad Brains is a good release.
3) "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," The Rolling Stones. Such a revolutionary song really ruined by the geriatric Stones still playing it. I have no problem with Mick and Keef and the rest touring, recording, and so on. Their musicians, they love what they do, more power to them, I hope the rock til they drop. But once they reached a certain age, they should have removed certain songs from their set list, like this one. It just doesn't work when sung by someone old enough to draw from a 401k without penalty. Compare the Sullivan version vs. the Cialis version.
4) "Mildred Pierce," Sonic Youth. I caught "Homerpalooza" episode of The Simpsons the other day, which is old enough that Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins was drawn with hair. Anyway, Sonic Youth were in that episode, with bassist Kim Gordan uttering the classic line, "Hey, Hullabalooza isn't about freaks; it's about music, and advertising, and youth-oriented product positioning." Little did they know how much more true that would become by the time Billy Corgan lost his hair, lost his band, and regained his band.
5) "Family Snapshot," Peter Gabriel. This is a terrific Gabriel track, with a passionate vocal and a nice soft opening that builds to rocking main portion of the song. But what do I hear in the back of the mix? A cowbell. Will Ferrell's collateral damage continues.
6) "Stan (Live)," Eminem with Elton John. This is from the Grammy Awards performance. The most unlikely duet pairing since Axl "Immigrants and Faggots" Rose and Elton John sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" at the Freddy Mercury tribute show. I guess Sir Elton isn't afraid to sing with controversial people. Too bad he missed his chance to sing "What's Love Got to Do With It?" with Ike Turner.
7) "Brass Buttons," Gram Parsons. I think this is what the Eagles were trying to sound like. If this isn't a tequila sunrise, I don't know what is.
8) "It's Been a Hard Day's Night," The Beatles. To follow up on "Satisfaction," McCartney could play this and it would still seem okay. But if he tried to play "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," now, it would seem kind of silly. Especially because the reason he wants to hold your hand is to hand you the divorce settlement and be done with it.
9) "Losing My Edge," LCD Soundsystem. I'm normally not a big fan of speak-singing songs, where the guy or gal talks more than sings. Maybe that's why I never made a big connection with rap. But this is a pretty funny song about an older DJ expressing his fear of losing his edge to the "kids coming up from behind," and then trying to show he's still cool by talking about the shows he's gone to and the records he owns. As someone with a Peter Pan complex, I can completely relate. Worth it for this line alone: I'm losing my edge to the art-school Brooklynites in little jackets and borrowed nostalgia for the unremembered eighties. Christian from Project Runway, I think he's talking about you.
10) "Plush," Stone Temple Pilots. They were poor man's Pearl Jam, but I liked a lot of their hits, including this one. I admit to singing along in the car.
11) "Dio," Tenacious D. Dio, time to go, you must give your cape and scepter to me! I will never admit, even under threat of waterboarding, how much I have air guitarred to Dio.
Have a great weekend, and I'm praying for a speedy, full recovery for Bossy's Daughter.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: What classified material are we destroying?
Special vetted by the _______ ____________ Agency edition!
10) Lincoln Bedroom surveillance tape showing _____ ____ taking it up the ___ while her parents were away at Crawford.
9) Jealous, profanity-laced cover letter included with Lincoln Bedroom surveillance tape from _____ ____'s sister, _______.
8) Inventory of _,___ pairs of shoes purchased by ___________ ____ during national security crises and national disasters.
7) Magic 8-Ball used to make important military decisions by former Secretary of Defense ______ _________.
6) Craigslist ad, credit card receipts, and adult diapers showing how ____ ____ really got the nickname "Turd Blossom."
5) Google Earth image showing location of ____ _________ ______'s coffin.
4) Minutes of White House national security meeting where attendees formed a ______ jerk and ____ off while watching season 2 of 24.
3) Packing slip for First L___ _____ ____ for a black 10-inch _____ ordered from Good Vibrations.
2) Oval Office transcripts of President Bush's frequent, secret meetings with Jack D______ and Jim B___.
1) All traces of hypocrisy and cowardice by D________ who approved of torture before disapproving it.
10) Lincoln Bedroom surveillance tape showing _____ ____ taking it up the ___ while her parents were away at Crawford.
9) Jealous, profanity-laced cover letter included with Lincoln Bedroom surveillance tape from _____ ____'s sister, _______.
8) Inventory of _,___ pairs of shoes purchased by ___________ ____ during national security crises and national disasters.
7) Magic 8-Ball used to make important military decisions by former Secretary of Defense ______ _________.
6) Craigslist ad, credit card receipts, and adult diapers showing how ____ ____ really got the nickname "Turd Blossom."
5) Google Earth image showing location of ____ _________ ______'s coffin.
4) Minutes of White House national security meeting where attendees formed a ______ jerk and ____ off while watching season 2 of 24.
3) Packing slip for First L___ _____ ____ for a black 10-inch _____ ordered from Good Vibrations.
2) Oval Office transcripts of President Bush's frequent, secret meetings with Jack D______ and Jim B___.
1) All traces of hypocrisy and cowardice by D________ who approved of torture before disapproving it.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Friday CJ Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
My brother Tickle and I send each other text messages during Bears games. After seeing a promo for I Am Legend, we had this exchange:
Me: At the end of I Am Legend, Will Smith should find that the only person left alive is Jazzy Jeff.
Tickel: Or Carlton.
That's the kind of comic relief that has allowed me to watch the Bears this year. On to the tunes!
1) "Girlfriend in a Coma," The Smiths. Still hilarious and catchy after all these years. It's hard to go wrong with darkly comic lyrics set against a shiny, bouncy melody.
2) "Who Killed It," Nas. I saw the Seinfeld "Dinner Party" episode last night, where Jerry tries to make a point about how black and white cookies are the secret to harmonious race relations. Well, over the summer, I tried to make my music collection more like a black and white cookie by loading up on some rap music. However, this song is reminding me just how vanilla I really am.
3) "Undone (The Sweater Song)," Weezer. Here's a recipe I'm more familiar with. When I need to feel a little less white, I listen to Weezer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
4) "Uh Huh Oh Yeah," Paul Weller. Now here is a black and white cookie song. A nice vanilla melody blended with a groovy chocolate beat. Seriously, if you need a pick me up and have never heard Paul Weller, this song is worth looking into.
5) "End of the Great Credibility Race," New Bomb Turks. This is garage rock. Fast, aggressive, and it sounds like they just stuck a mic in the middle of the room, chugged a case of the kind of beer that only comes in cans, and started playing. That also pretty much ensured they would never make it big.
6) "Little Hitler," Nick Lowe. I would never want to piss off Nick Lowe, because he would write a tune about me that would deliver withering insults so catchy, I would be humming them all day long even though each stanza was a slap in the face.
7) "Life Is a Carnival," The Band. If life is a carnival, does that make all of us carnies?
8) "Fashion," David Bowie. Appropriate now that I am immersed in a new season of Project Runway. It's the only reality show I've ever been hooked on (well, maybe the first couple seasons of The Real World). Here's something that I wonder: why do people on reality shows act like they've never seen the reality show they're on? Watching some of this year's Project Runway contestants blow their chances and get voted off, I want to ask them: haven't you ever seen this show? Don't you know that you don't need to win each week, you just need to not suck the most? They're like people in horror movies: gee, the walls are bleeding and the dog is speaking backwards Aramaic, let's go into the basement and investigate!
9) " Goddamn Electric," Pantera. I don't envision them as big Project Runway fans. I would love this if someone else was singing. It's like their singer can't decide if he wants to do the high pitched metal scream or do the Cookie Monster death metal growl, so we get Cookie Monster after a Oreo Double Stuff bender.
10) "Charlotte Sometimes," The Cure. I hate to say it, but this has almost gotten to parody level for me. I still love The Cure, but this is them at their most high school serious. The moaning vocals that try to sound deep, the production echoing the emptiness of Robert Smith's soul, and the martial drum machine pounding out a 4/4 march of despair. Yet it all sounds like it was written by an 18-year old Goth upset that he has to work at Cinnabon in the morning.
11) "No Respect," Public Property. They are all white, they are from Iowa City, and they play…very good reggae music. If that's not a black and white cookie, I don't know what is.
And I hope that all of the participants and judges in the 2007 Cookie Contest will remember to look to the cookie and remember that we are all bakers.
Yeah, right. We're in it to win it and we don't care who we have to burn to make it to the top! I'll see you all in Hell's Kitchen!
Oh, but have a good weekend.
My brother Tickle and I send each other text messages during Bears games. After seeing a promo for I Am Legend, we had this exchange:
Me: At the end of I Am Legend, Will Smith should find that the only person left alive is Jazzy Jeff.
Tickel: Or Carlton.
That's the kind of comic relief that has allowed me to watch the Bears this year. On to the tunes!
1) "Girlfriend in a Coma," The Smiths. Still hilarious and catchy after all these years. It's hard to go wrong with darkly comic lyrics set against a shiny, bouncy melody.
2) "Who Killed It," Nas. I saw the Seinfeld "Dinner Party" episode last night, where Jerry tries to make a point about how black and white cookies are the secret to harmonious race relations. Well, over the summer, I tried to make my music collection more like a black and white cookie by loading up on some rap music. However, this song is reminding me just how vanilla I really am.
3) "Undone (The Sweater Song)," Weezer. Here's a recipe I'm more familiar with. When I need to feel a little less white, I listen to Weezer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
4) "Uh Huh Oh Yeah," Paul Weller. Now here is a black and white cookie song. A nice vanilla melody blended with a groovy chocolate beat. Seriously, if you need a pick me up and have never heard Paul Weller, this song is worth looking into.
5) "End of the Great Credibility Race," New Bomb Turks. This is garage rock. Fast, aggressive, and it sounds like they just stuck a mic in the middle of the room, chugged a case of the kind of beer that only comes in cans, and started playing. That also pretty much ensured they would never make it big.
6) "Little Hitler," Nick Lowe. I would never want to piss off Nick Lowe, because he would write a tune about me that would deliver withering insults so catchy, I would be humming them all day long even though each stanza was a slap in the face.
7) "Life Is a Carnival," The Band. If life is a carnival, does that make all of us carnies?
8) "Fashion," David Bowie. Appropriate now that I am immersed in a new season of Project Runway. It's the only reality show I've ever been hooked on (well, maybe the first couple seasons of The Real World). Here's something that I wonder: why do people on reality shows act like they've never seen the reality show they're on? Watching some of this year's Project Runway contestants blow their chances and get voted off, I want to ask them: haven't you ever seen this show? Don't you know that you don't need to win each week, you just need to not suck the most? They're like people in horror movies: gee, the walls are bleeding and the dog is speaking backwards Aramaic, let's go into the basement and investigate!
9) " Goddamn Electric," Pantera. I don't envision them as big Project Runway fans. I would love this if someone else was singing. It's like their singer can't decide if he wants to do the high pitched metal scream or do the Cookie Monster death metal growl, so we get Cookie Monster after a Oreo Double Stuff bender.
10) "Charlotte Sometimes," The Cure. I hate to say it, but this has almost gotten to parody level for me. I still love The Cure, but this is them at their most high school serious. The moaning vocals that try to sound deep, the production echoing the emptiness of Robert Smith's soul, and the martial drum machine pounding out a 4/4 march of despair. Yet it all sounds like it was written by an 18-year old Goth upset that he has to work at Cinnabon in the morning.
11) "No Respect," Public Property. They are all white, they are from Iowa City, and they play…very good reggae music. If that's not a black and white cookie, I don't know what is.
And I hope that all of the participants and judges in the 2007 Cookie Contest will remember to look to the cookie and remember that we are all bakers.
Yeah, right. We're in it to win it and we don't care who we have to burn to make it to the top! I'll see you all in Hell's Kitchen!
Oh, but have a good weekend.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Bush: US Must Win the War on Truth
Calls Facts "bad for US foreign policy"; Proposes 50% reduction in Veracity by 2009.
WASHINGTON – Responding to a National Intelligence Estimate that said that Iran's nuclear weapons program had stopped in 2003, President Bush announced at a press conference that the United States could no longer tolerate the actions of Truth.
"After the NIE report was released," the President began, "Iranian President Mahmoud Almondjoyjihad said that this report is a victory for Iran. Well, any victory for Iran is a victory for terrorism. Which means that Truth supports terrorism. And you're either with us or against us, so that means Truth is against us.
"I will not stand by and let Truth dismantle all that this administration is trying to accomplish."
The administration has had an uneasy relationship with Truth since the beginning of the Bush presidency, when the dispute over the electoral returns in Florida in 2000 threw the presidential election into chaos. Since then, Truth has often been at odds over a number of Bush policies: the impact of tax cuts on the deficit, the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq as justification for invasion, the use of torture on detainees in the War on Terror, and the White House's assertion that old people and puppies were safe around the Vice President.
Critics of the administration have long said that the White House should embrace Truth. However, the Bush administration instead signed a treaty with Deceit, making it difficult to reach an accommodation with Truth.
At the press conference, the President made it clear that the relationship with Truth had reached a breaking point. "We tried to compromise with Truth," Bush said. "We were open to giving Truth some concessions, but it's all or nothing with Truth. For example, we tried to say that just because Iran isn't developing nookular weapons doesn't mean Iran isn't developing nukes. But that's not good enough for Truth and all the facthuggers out there. So we have no choice but to declare War on Truth."
The President then unveiled a new diagram labeling Truth, Facts, Reason, and Logic as the "Rhombus of Inconvenience." President Bush described it as "a parallelogram to the Axis of Evil."
He added, "I named that one myself. I was pretty good at geography."
During the question an answer period, reporter Helen Thomas asked that if the President was declaring a War on Truth, "wouldn't the White House actually lie about being at war with Truth?"
"But I'm telling the truth," the President answered.
"But how can we be sure of that if you're at war with Truth?" Thomas asked.
The President blinked for thirty seconds, and responded, "Boy, my head hasn't hurt much since the second Back to the Future movie. I guess I have to say that the American people should just trust me."
WASHINGTON – Responding to a National Intelligence Estimate that said that Iran's nuclear weapons program had stopped in 2003, President Bush announced at a press conference that the United States could no longer tolerate the actions of Truth.
"After the NIE report was released," the President began, "Iranian President Mahmoud Almondjoyjihad said that this report is a victory for Iran. Well, any victory for Iran is a victory for terrorism. Which means that Truth supports terrorism. And you're either with us or against us, so that means Truth is against us.
"I will not stand by and let Truth dismantle all that this administration is trying to accomplish."
The administration has had an uneasy relationship with Truth since the beginning of the Bush presidency, when the dispute over the electoral returns in Florida in 2000 threw the presidential election into chaos. Since then, Truth has often been at odds over a number of Bush policies: the impact of tax cuts on the deficit, the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq as justification for invasion, the use of torture on detainees in the War on Terror, and the White House's assertion that old people and puppies were safe around the Vice President.
Critics of the administration have long said that the White House should embrace Truth. However, the Bush administration instead signed a treaty with Deceit, making it difficult to reach an accommodation with Truth.
At the press conference, the President made it clear that the relationship with Truth had reached a breaking point. "We tried to compromise with Truth," Bush said. "We were open to giving Truth some concessions, but it's all or nothing with Truth. For example, we tried to say that just because Iran isn't developing nookular weapons doesn't mean Iran isn't developing nukes. But that's not good enough for Truth and all the facthuggers out there. So we have no choice but to declare War on Truth."
The President then unveiled a new diagram labeling Truth, Facts, Reason, and Logic as the "Rhombus of Inconvenience." President Bush described it as "a parallelogram to the Axis of Evil."
He added, "I named that one myself. I was pretty good at geography."
During the question an answer period, reporter Helen Thomas asked that if the President was declaring a War on Truth, "wouldn't the White House actually lie about being at war with Truth?"
"But I'm telling the truth," the President answered.
"But how can we be sure of that if you're at war with Truth?" Thomas asked.
The President blinked for thirty seconds, and responded, "Boy, my head hasn't hurt much since the second Back to the Future movie. I guess I have to say that the American people should just trust me."
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: Why did we break our abstinence pledges?
10) Took internship in Republican Congressman's office.
9) Meant to only do anal but never learned anatomy in home school.
8) Received an urgent revelation from a different kind of burning bush.
7) See, this one time, at band camp….
6) Thought it would cause the hair to fall from our palms.
5) Wanted to get out of going to another creepy purity ball with Dad.
4) Priest promised it wouldn't count if we went to confession right after.
3) Turned 40.
2) Played Twister at the Purity Party.
1) Touched by an angel, or some guy claiming to be St. Michael.
9) Meant to only do anal but never learned anatomy in home school.
8) Received an urgent revelation from a different kind of burning bush.
7) See, this one time, at band camp….
6) Thought it would cause the hair to fall from our palms.
5) Wanted to get out of going to another creepy purity ball with Dad.
4) Priest promised it wouldn't count if we went to confession right after.
3) Turned 40.
2) Played Twister at the Purity Party.
1) Touched by an angel, or some guy claiming to be St. Michael.
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