10) Our nominee for attorney general successfully tortured the definition of torture.
9) Resistance to our policies from Congressional Democrats rated between “speed bumps” and “French.”
8) Iraq's political stability has surged ahead of Pakistan's.
7) Launch of Fisher-Price’s My First Recall wildly successful.
6) Scriptural rethinking on divorce allows Christians to protect marriage from gays while gaily choosing a new spouse.
5) Soaring oil prices will help improve national obesity crisis when Americans are forced to push their Hummers.
4) Writer’s strike gives conservative Congressmen chance to continue their studies of the gay lifestyle in peace.
3) Mortgage crisis makes it easy to find empty houses to squat in after our foreclosure.
2) Allowing people with criminal backgrounds to join military will make it easier for the military to recruit from Blackwater.
1) None of the shit going on in the world can depress us because we just might be parents after all.
Thanks to everyone for the wishes, prayers, and ritual sacrifices to various deities. It really helped, and we appear to be on our way toward setting aside all of our hopes and dreams for a creature who will later sneak out of the house and tell us we just don't get them.