Thursday, November 29, 2007

Official Blackwater Job Application




Serial number:_________________________________

Height (in stacked bodies)_____

Weight (in skulls)______

1. Nationality
a) United States of America
b) No, really, just select “a.”

2. Do you have any Hessian ancestry?
___No, but I'm pretty Aryan.

3. Religion
a) Christian
b) Jewish (please stop and accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior)
c) Muslim (please stop and wait for the authorities)
d) Norse (cool!)

4. Former military service:
a) Conventional military
b) Special forces
c) Death squad

5. Do you take drugs?
___Why, do you have some?
___Only in the Barry Bonds sense of the word

6. Which of the following tattoos do you have
___Skull and crossbones
___American flag
___American flag with skulls instead of stars
___Bloody dagger
___Heart that says "Mom"
___Skull that says "Mom"
___"This space for rent"

7. Have you ever suffered from any of the following ailments?
___Guilty conscience
___Not-for-profit work
___Voted Democrat
___Asked questions first, shot later

8. Are you proficient in any of these interrogation methods?
___Sleep deprivation
___Electric slide
___Forced viewing of The View
___Playing "Sister Christian" at deafening levels until subject confesses to being a terrorist and/or member of Night Ranger
___Exposing subject to the elements
___Exposing subject to Paris Hilton cold sores
___Securing front row seats for Danny Gans

9. Have you ever been implicated in a civilian killing?
a) No
b) How would you define "civilian"?
c) I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the recoil of my gun

10. Do you have any legal training in the area of human rights?
___Yes. (Please discontinue this application. We thank you for your interest.)


11. Which movie catchphrase best captures your philosophy of life:
a) Terminator 2: Hasta la vista, baby
b) Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of napalm in the morning
c) Lethal Weapon 2: Diplomatic immunity!

12. Regarding the movie 300, which of the following is true.
a) I have seen it.
b) I have seen it and I bought the DVD.
c) I have seen it, I bought the DVD, and I regularly masturbate to it.

13. You cannot open a jar of pickles. What do you do?
a) Run the lid under hot water until it expands.
c) Beat on the lid with my large combat knife until it loosens or I no longer want pickles.
d) Shoot the jar with a shotgun to teach all the other pickles a lesson.

14. I would step over the still-warm body of my own mother for ________.
a) Jesus
b) George W. Bush
c) A five-figure signing bonus

15. It takes ______ to save a village.
a) a village
b) an insertion team
c) a blazing fire

16. Would you torture a detainee for information?
a) Only if I thought he knew of a “ticking bomb” and it would save many lives
b) Only if something in the room was ticking
c) Wait, when wouldn’t you torture a detainee for information?

17. Laws are _____.
a) made to be obeyed
b) made to be broken occasionally, like thumbs
c) made for people without political connections

18. You see some natives talking together in a part of town known for insurgent activity. What do you do?
a) Gather more information before taking action.
b) Gather more ammunition before taking aim.
c) Gather more coordinates before calling an airstrike

19. In the event of an "incident" involving the loss of innocent life, what's the best approach?
a) Reach into your heart and apologize.
b) Reach into your stash of hush money.
c) Reach into your pocket for a pen to change "innocent" to "insurgent" on the government report.

20. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
a) Retired on the beach of one of the beaches I took
b) Halfway through prison term
c) GOP vice presidential candidate
d) Valhalla

I hereby claim I have answered in a truthful and honest fashion, and that I will deny everything under Congressional subpoena.

Sign or make mark: __________________________________


Adorable Girlfriend said...

I know not of this JC you speak of.

Brando said...

Give it a try, AG. You get to eat anything you want and get to play the fun game of reconciling two sets of Scriptures that often contradict each other!

Wordsmith said...

I had to stop reading just to get my breath back.

I'm going to pass this along to my fellow unrulies at Les

(christofascist! if I can pass that damned spelling test below)

Noelle said...

Well done.

I especially love, "b) Jewish (please stop and accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior)"

Churlita said...

Can you submit this to some kind of contest? It's way better than anything I've read by people who actually make money at this stuff.

Jennifer said...

Grizzled said he was tempted to take their training course just so he would know what to expect when they took over the country.

Chuckles said...

I went paintballing a few weeks ago and there was somebody with a Blackwater t-shirt. We were glad he was on my team because we thought he would be less likely to shoot us all while we waited in the "Dead" bunker. Even if he wasn't one of their lunatics, the fact that he was willing to wear that shirt made us all wary.

Brando said...

Churlita, I'm trying!

Chuckles, was the shirt worn in irony? You have to admit, that's a good intimidation tactic in paintball.

Jennifer, no kidding! I'm usually pretty optimistic that the American ship will right itself, but the idea that we have private armies with their own air force running around is pretty damn alarming.

Kathleen said...

d) Norse (cool!)

genius. that is all.

Distributorcap said...

sign me up!


Adorable Girlfriend said...

No JC.

AG is JC-free.

Anonymous said...

That's it now I'm REALLY MAD.
I'm a corpsman/ medic armed and dangreous. send me an app. to my motor seargent. Bulldog aka Chesty the Pro. Training available taking request. See you at Otay! Instantainuosly accepted. Oyama Okazaki the Ip Man.

Anonymous said...