Friday, November 09, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

It's one more random than 10! (there, fish, I got it right this week)

I apologize for not writing more lately. There have been a few reasons, preoccupation with human reproduction being a big one. Another big one is that I’m working on a short story that has squeezed a lot of my creative juices. But the biggest reason is that I started a couple pieces that unfortunately haven't panned out yet. Unlike some other blogs out there, I refuse to just set my posting bar at half-assed. In fact, CJSD guarantees at least three-quarter ass or your money back. (That should make Larry Craig tap with joy.)

My frustration with the couple pieces I was working on made me want to pump up the volume a little bit today. Earlier in the week, I was reminded of The National Review’s list of the 50 greatest conservative rock songs which ran last year. The inanity of the list still astounds me. This went well beyond the standard shovel-to-the-head stupidity, crossing instead into George Romero decapitated-with-a-shovel insanity, as if the writer’s disembodied head landed on a keyboard and tried to co-opt his favorite songs by wildly clicking at keys with his tongue before he finally expired. Then it occurred to me: that sounds like fun! So this week's Random 11 is written in the demanding style of The National Review, which is known in laymen's terms as out of your ass. (And a tip of the hat to Jon Swift, who did more songs in a more timely fashion.)

1) The Smiths, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.” Why do I have to smile at people I’d much rather kick in the eye? Morrissey is clearly rebelling against the politically correct mores that require us to hug those we disagree with, such as Muslims, instead of bombing them, as good Christians should.

2) “Bolted Down,” Bob Hillman. This legendary conservative songwriter describes how all of the things in his New York apartment are “bolted down.” Why? Because New York’s anti-gun laws prevent him from defending his property as our Founding Fathers demanded. As he notes in the song, this keeps him from even drinking his coffee because the cup is bolted down. This is where anti-gun legislation will lead us.

3) “Crosstown Traffic,” Jimi Hendrix. A terrific anthem abut how evil carpool lanes attack our liberty to travel freely.

4) “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic,” The Police. Given the rampant godless socialism expressed by most British musicians, it is extremely gratifying to see Sting’s courage in writing this touching, moving homage to Margaret Thatcher. He even wishes to “marry her in some old fashioned way.”

5) “When It All Goes Wrong Again,” Everclear. Even though this was written in the late 1990s, it’s really a Nostradamus-like warning against a Hillary Clinton presidency. I will be sitting on top when it all goes wrong again—Clearly our country cannot afford to again fall for the peace and prosperity of the Clinton years.

6) “A Legal Matter,” The Who. Noted Tory Peter Townsend rails against the frivolous lawsuits plaguing the American court system. He obviously would not be a fan of presidential candidate John Edwards, and it’s a shame that his lack of citizenship prevents him from voting against the Democratic ambulance chaser.

7) “Where Boys Fear to Tread,” The Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan’s searing screed against allowing homosexuals into the Boy Scouts. The distorted guitars perfectly capture the distorted truth of the gay agenda.

8) “Lips Like Sugar,” Echo and the Bunnymen. Long before Oprah discovered it, singer Ian McCulloh wrote about the immoral enticement of teenage rainbow parties.

9) “Drain You,” Nirvana. It is now my duty to completely drain you. No other singer has ever written so passionately about the devastation of Democratic tax and spend policies.

10) “The Swish,” The Hold Steady. These Minnesota-based rockers address the confusion of transgender politics: She said my name’s Neal Schon but people call me Nina Simone, some people call me Andre Cymone. Which is it?

11) “Gary’s Got a Boner,” The Replacements. A song that that is a battle cry for abstinence education.

It is a little frightening how much fun that was.

I am on the road for work next week. I am going to try to get the jerking back into three-quarter ass form. Until then, enjoy yourselves, and keep on rocking in the free market, er, world.


fish said...

In a sad plea for attention, I would like to point out that Mr. Swift was not the only one to release an additional list of conservative rock songs...

billy pilgrim said...

Gary' Got A Boner is actually aRepublican Closet Anthem. Replace with whoever is in the stall next to you (Larry, Mark, Mitch, Ricky.... Rudy) Ok, I probably didn't need to go there.

Kathleen said...

hilarious brando.

I can't think of anything funny to say.

Snag said...

11) "Sympathy for the Devil," the Stones' homage to Dick Cheney's heart problems.

billy pilgrim said...

Eat the Rich, the Dead Kennedy's...


Hell, I got nothin'

Holiday In Cambodia, an homage to Kissinger? Hell, it really was no matter how you take it.

Churlita said...

Very nice. If I still didn't have a migraine, I wouldn't be writing such a half-assed comment.