9) Early Black Friday deals on pants with elastic waistbands.
7) Kid brother still hiding his bong in the same drawer.
6) Replacing ten hours of awkward family conversation with football.
5) Mother’s drinking problem will make her more receptive to the news that Lance is more than just a good friend.
4) Customized shopping cart that includes jacks for jumping over store aisles; a retractable cockpit for shielding us from the odors, bodily fluids, and gunfire of fellow shoppers; and retractable saws that ensure we'll get to that 99$ plasma TV before anyone else.
3) Taking a day off from still being unemployed.
2) Not having to be bothered with things like names, facts, or manners, because we are a member of the United States Fucking Congress, bitch!