Saturday, November 26, 2011

This is me writing a blog post about Arnold Schwarzennegger talking about Total Recall

I love Total Recall. In fact, I think it is Arnold at his most Schwarzenneggerist, because he's trying so hard to be a movie star. Early campy shit like Conan and Commando were just Arnold showing he could flex and speak lines phonetically at the same time. The Terminator was a brilliant solution to the question, "How can we get people to watch Arnold for two hours when his acting is so robotic?" But Total Recall is Arnold as action hero. He tries to be loving, be tough, be dramatic, be funny, and be as confused as Philip K. Dick was when he tried to write the ending to the original story after his speed wore off. Throw in Paul Verhoven, the director who never met an exit wound or unecessary boob shot he didn't like, and you have sci-fi action comedy gold, Jerry.

But don't take my word for it. Let Arnold tell you about all the great parts of Total Recall in The Greatest DVD Commentary Ever Told.

He had me with the little laugh he gives after talking about using a character as a human shield. Who knew a T-800 came with a sense of humor?

The whole thing makes it sound like McBain talking about one of his movies. It reminded me of a little McBain bit I wrote for a Simpsons spec script I once wrote:

Homer and Bart sit in the living room, watching TV. Homer is in his underwear. On the television, a preview for a new McBain movie is running.

McBain is wearing a white dress a la Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot, along with a blond wig. He is approaching a group of Mendoza’s thugs on the street. McBain is communicating secretly with a hidden mike and earpiece.

I see Mendoza’s goons, chief.

Nice work, McBain. In that disguise, they’ll never recognize you.

The goons see McBain and begin to wolf whistle as he approaches.

MCBAIN (to the chief)
They think they’re getting a hot date, when they’re really going to get hot lead.

McBain walks over an open vent in the street. Air blows up, lifting his skirt and revealing an impressive arsenal of firearms around his waist. The goons reach for their guns, but McBain is quicker. He pulls out two submachine guns and empties the clips into the criminals. He looks down at the bodies on the street.

I guess blondes have more guns.

See McBain get dressed to kill in, Some Like It Dead.

Oh, to have been a writer for that show.


Jennifer said...

I had always secretly hoped there would be a sequel...

Substance McGravitas said...

Uncontrollable distortion of the face is a problem for many and he treats it like TRIVIA.

The first person narrative is excellent. He was on MARS! Expensive!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Mister McGravitas speeled, "MARS! BEACHES!" rong.

Brando said...

LOL at Substance. It really is amazing in its complete lack of creativity.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

unecessary boob shot


Smut Clyde said...

Uncontrollable distortion of the face is a problem for many

Ah, expressions. Not a good idea. Wears out the hardware.