Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The kind of things I talk about at a child's first communion dinner, or why I am going to hell (part 467)

This past weekend I was at a dinner to celebrate the first communion of the daughter of an old friend of mine. I used to work with her and also with another couple who was seated with us.

While my friend and her daughter were making the rounds talking to guests at other tables, we got on the subject of Coldstone Creamery. My friend Goat said that three Coldstone's had gone out of business in their neighborhood. When TLB and I said we were surprised, Goat's boyfriend Guy said it was because the cops had found out about the glory holes in the bathrooms.*

This prompted Guy and I to create a new Coldstone creation, the Glory Hole. We decided that it should be a rectangular slab of ice cream, dipped in chocolate to make it hard like a bathroom stall wall. There would be a hole in the middle with a cream wafer sticking out, topped with a dab of whipped cream.

"And you can't ask for it," I said. "You have to signal the clerk that's what you want."

"Yeah, you have to make a couple of hand gestures and tap your foot," Guy added.

It would also only be available in the Gotta Have It size.

Lord only know what we'll talk about if we're invited back for confirmation.

*Greetings, Coldstone legal team! Please be aware that Mssr. Guy's comment about the presence of glory holes in Chicago-area Coldstone Creameries was a joke and not at all a slander against the clean, well-lit, handjob-free restrooms at your fine chain of ice cream parlors.

21 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

*Greetings, Coldstone legal team! Please be aware that Mssr. Guy's comment about the presence of glory holes in Chicago-area Coldstone Creameries was a joke and not at all a slander against the clean, well-lit, handjob-free restrooms at your fine chain of ice cream parlors.

Did you run this defense by Snag and/or Kathleen?

* I assume these two are the legal members of the 3Bulls!-related blogrollers.
~

fish said...

If a priest orders it, it can be a communion wafer.

Substance McGravitas said...

If you scream for it you get arrested for trespassing.

Brando said...

Fish, it's good to know I will have company.

fish said...

It's where all the fun people will be.

Jennifer said...

I'm so glad you didn't post this last week.

If you wait in line for it, you'll get arrested for loitering.

Jennifer said...

Also, if a priests orders it, it would have to be "The Power and the Glory Hole That Lasts Forever and Ever. Amen".

Kathleen said...

[insert pro bono joke here]

fish said...

"The Power and the Glory Hole That Lasts Forever and Ever. Amen".

LOL

Thy rod and thy staff comfort me.

Jennifer said...

And what was heard coming out of those bathrooms??

"I scream!! You screeeam!!! WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREEEEEEEM!!! YES! YES! YES!"

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I'm so glad you didn't post this last week.

Wut? Are you still claiming to have passed last week's filthbottery challenge?
~

Jennifer said...

Are you still claiming to have passed last week's filthbottery challenge?

Considering I reduced my dick joke content by at least 93%, I'd say yes...

fish said...

It's SHRINKAGE!! THE POOL WAS COLD!!!

Kathleen said...

I think the Glory Hole dish needs two red cherries nestled to the base of the wafer

Jennifer said...

And some brown sprinkles... or toasted coconut. :)

Jennifer said...

OK... and not to beat a dead horse, but... might I suggest Black Walnut ice cream which has a slightly mildewy aroma to it, suggesting the moist, aged drywall of the wall into which the glory hole was made...

I can't stop hearing Bruce Springsteen singing, "Glory hole..."

Glory holes well they'll pass you by
Glory holes in the wink of a young man's eye
Glory holes, glory holes...

fish said...

I think the Glory Hole dish needs two red cherries nestled to the base of the wafer

If only they came in blue. But I guess if they came, they wouldn't be blue anymore.

fish said...

OT, but Brando, being PWN3D by Paul Ryan, that's gonna leave a mark.

Brando said...

I would make a joke, but I'm still as bitter as the wind was that day at Soldier Field.

I get really annoyed at the "Cutler quit" stuff, though, because a) Cutler is probably one of the toughest QBs in the league, as he has been routinely beaten like Private Pyle in the Full Metal Jacket barracks while playing behind the Bears line, and b) he is way too stupid to know when he should quit. He would have gladly played on a bum knee and thrown 5 interceptions if the coaches would let him.

fish said...

I would pay good money for Ryan to take a couple of snaps in Cutler's place...

Von said...

This post = reason #134 why we need to hang out. Soon.