9) America not ready for bold plan to have White House gold plated and available for business conventions and bar mitzvahs.
8) Used war chest to snort blow off hooker’s chest.
7) Hate government so much that can’t talk about being president without giving ourselves a round-house kick to the face.
6) Totally thought that Rapture guy was right and wanted to shift focus to being president of Heaven.
4) Birth certificate lists us as being “spawned.”
2) Nervous that winning nomination would require to talk to a black man.
1) Failed to meet Constitutional requirement that the President have a pulse.