10) To make universal health coverage more palatable to Republicans, all those without health coverage must first undergo leeching and faith healing before being able to see a doctor.
9) American holdings in hope and change will be sold and invested in the more profitable blood and oil funds.
8) The White House will promote more Judeo-Christian values by requiring all sex in the Lincoln Bedroom to be missionary-position only.
7) A request to make political discourse more civil and non-confrontational by changing calls to kill our political opponents into requests for our political opponents to commit suicide.
6) In order to reduce the future demand on social security, all Americans will be required to consume a plate of fried cheese every day.
5) Plans to improve educational performance by allowing students to take “Xbox” as a foreign language.
4) A challenge to the energy, auto, and music industries to make a car that runs on alternative rock energy.
3) That in order to convince the American people that Democrats are the right choice for America, they must act more like Republicans.
2) A counterpoint by John Boehner outlining how Republicans will reduce government spending to 1908 levels.
1) A pledge to reduce our deficit without cutting spending or raising taxes by continuing our search for a magical unicorn that shits bricks of gold.