Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we reacting to the Arizona shooting?

Special extra defensive edition!

15) Why are you blaming conservatives? We didn’t have anything to do with this!

14) Oh, sorry, you actually weren’t blaming conservatives. There’s a lot of that going around.

13) Because, and we want to make this abundantly clear, when we put a crosshairs on someone, we don’t mean they should actually be killed. We mean that they should be eliminated.

12) From office! And not eliminated, no one is saying eliminated. You know, let’s just scrub that from the record. Besides, those weren’t crosshairs. Those were surveyor’s marks, like you’d use when mapping the political landscape or deciding if a bridge should be taken out with an airstrike.

11) Fuck, sorry, we can’t help ourselves with the military analogies. That’s all they are, analogies. You know, Republicans:Godliness::Guns:Freedom.

10) Likewise, when we show up at rallies against the government with guns at our sides, we don’t actually intend to use those guns. They’re an accessory, like necklaces or a watch. Well, not a watch, you can use that, especially when you need to see if it’s time to kick some ass!

9) Sorry, got off track again. We’re not actually kicking anyone’s ass for real. Except during an election. Then it’s open season.

8) Not for hunting! Conservatives don’t hunt humans, except for Dick Cheney.

7) Why are you bringing up Cheney again? He’s not even in office anymore!

6) The other thing is, you liberals have to stop taking things so literally. We don’t actually intend to water the tree of liberty with actual blood. We're talking about peaceful change, and we can't understand why you're confused about our intentions.

5) This is just a case of a mentally unstable person acting on his own. If only he had gotten the help he needed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

4) Of course, I’m not suggesting that we have some kind of government program for the mentally ill. That’s socialism. I’m sure there will be a free market solution when someone finds a way to make money off of poor crazy people.

3) What’s that? How did he get a gun if he was mentally unstable? Show me the part of the constitution that says crazy people can’t own firearms. Look, you can’t hold up the gun-buying process for the vast majority of the non-crazy gun-buying public just because a few whackos were able to purchase firearms. That’s plain nuts.

2) Simply put, we can’t let the actions of one madman deter us from showing up public gatherings bearing arms, talking about bloody revolution, and targeting politicians for removal. We’re only doing that because we’re trying to restore this country to its Christian roots, and if we don’t do that, then the Islamofascists will win.

1) The bottom line is this: When it comes to this shooting, conservatives are definitely not responsible.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Number 1) (with a bullet)

P.S. I’m sure there will be a free market solution when someone finds a way to make money off of poor crazy people.

blue girl said...

Excellent, Brando.

fish said...

The surveyor spin has to be one of the lamest attempts I have ever heard, and that is saying something.

Brando said...

No kidding, fish.

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