10) Using a dental dam when eating pork.
9) Keeping out harmful air by covering head with a plastic bag.
8) Appeasing our angry gods by sacrificing Madonna, like a virgin.
7) Calling in "pre-sick" to work.
6) Cleaning up this pig sty because Mom said we'd definitely get swine flu if we didn't.
5) Instead of saying, "bless you" when someone sneezes, pointing at them and screaming "Unclean!" until the authorities quarantine them.
4) Creating anti-germ cocoon out of duct tape and leftover bubble wrap.
3) Staying away from Mexico until it returns to a safer state of cartel-fueled violence.
2) Asking President Obama to lay hands on us.
1) Freaking out so badly that we die of a heart attack before we get sick.