10) Selling our new John Edwards’ Paternity Passer™—it scrubs your DNA while you stump!
9) Telling Dennis Kucinich that he and his wife are welcome, but the woodland creatures have to wait outside.
8) Polishing James Carville’s dome until you can see Senator Clinton’s forced conciliatory smile from a mile away.
7) Fluffing the Super Delegates.
6) Asking CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to perform a spinal transfer operation on Congressional Democrats.
5) Wondering how they got the Chris Matthews float to look so lifelike, until we realize that’s really his swollen, frothing head.
4) Enforcing the pants requirement at the Anderson Cooper Kissing Booth.
3) Showing how to fight Republicanism with one lobe tied behind our back.
2) Reminding a confused Senator McCain that his convention is next week, in Minneapolis.
1) Forging brass knuckles that spell “CHANGE.”