Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What changes are we making to Catholicism?

10) Introducing supersize communion option with 30% more salvation.

9) Changing guitar mass to Guitar Hero mass

8) Trying to add more life to mass by using a dead language.

7) Hiring P. Diddy to produce new "Rappin' Rosary" album.

6) Switching to more efficient metric system for confession penance (venial sin=1.52 Our Fathers).

5) Selling indulgences from Church to pay for indulgences of Church.

4) Relabeling “Protestants” as “Protes-Can’ts-Go-to-Heaven.”

3) Granting lifelong absolution from meatless Friday to anyone who doesn’t press charges.

2) Telling souls in Limbo, “You don’t have to go to Hell, but you can’t stay here.”

1) Excommunicating progress.

13 comments:

Noelle said...

I like #2! I'm so glad I was not raised Catholic, but man, if I was, I would be rebelling the hell out of myself right now.

Chuckles said...

11. Making meatless Fridays include all forms of sausage.

fish said...

The new "chimpanzees only" mass.

Brendan said...

Re: #2: !!! (My old working-in-the-nightclub soul resonates.)

Re: #7: Aren't you like six versions behind on this guy's name?

Re: #9: You wish.


Are you a Catholic, Brando? I am an ex-Catholic, and even more "ex-" than the famed "ex-parrot," but I still tend to react to news of Vatican doings.

I think Ratzinger is without a clue.

The Latin thing? Maybe his strategy is to make the Catholic brand more clearly distinct from the rest of the Christian styles.

The problem is, these days, Latin seems difficult to distinguish from speaking in tongues. So I'm not sure how well his plan will work out.

The other explanation, I suppose, is that he sees the best way to combat Islam is to retreat to an earlier century than their fundamentalists want to.

Brando said...

Are you a Catholic, Brando?

Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

I am. Twelve years in Catholic school, and even though I have a lot of issues with the faith now, it defines my personality in so many ways. Especially the Catholic Guilt(tm).

fish said...

Making meatless Fridays include all forms of sausage.

Chuckles, one of my favorite Catholic stories is that the pope declared the giant rodent called a Capybara a fish because they couldn't get the Venezuelans to stop eating it on Fridays during lent. It is the world's only piscine rodentia.

BOSSY said...

12) Selling J.K. Rowling the rights to the Bible.

Churlita said...

I would love to go to the guitar hero mass. Lars could serve communion and they could have interpretive Dance Dance Revolution to the Lord's Prayer.

your loving mother said...

Brando was RAISED as a Catholic! A good Catholic, and REPUBLICAN boy, I might add!!!

Brando, dear... I don't know where I went wrong! It pains me every day to know that you've gone to the progressively dark side.

Guitar Hero is not your salvation, dear! There's only one savior... it's not too late!!!

Jennifer said...

I thought forming the Lutheran church was the biggest change made to Catholicism.

Sorry, had to get one in there for the ol' Luther!

As for #1, I think they've got something when they start giving away a "Passion of the Christ" toy with every super-sized host and wineshake.

almostinfamous said...

"The Vatican is suggesting that salvation is possible without baptism. That is heresy," said Kenneth J. Wolfe, Washington columnist for the Remnant, a traditionalist Catholic newspaper.

NO ONE EXPECTS THE WASHINGTON INQUISITION!!!

Kathleen said...

Fish busting out the fish trivia!!! it's so meta he's blowing my mind!

fish said...

I just don't want any capybara moving into my neighborhood. They aren't my kind of teleost.