Fox News Family Feud

A game show stage shrouded in darkness. An ANNOUNCER speaks.

ANNOUNCER
Today, two groups of Fox News personalities will square off on the most Fair and Balanced game show in America....Fox News Family Feud.

The lights go up. There are two families. The Conservatives include SEAN HANNITY, GRETCHEN CARLSON, BRITT HUME, JOHN GIBSON, and MICHELLE MALKIN. Across from them are the Liberals, with only ALAN COLMES present.

ANNOUNCER
And now, let’s give a big welcome to your hostess, a lady who’s got more balls than a major league batting practice...Ann Coulter!

ANN COULTER strides out in a pants suit.

COULTER (adjusting crotch as she walks on stage)
Welcome to Fox News Family Feud, the show that reports what we decide to tell Fox News viewers! Let’s meet our families!

She walks over to the Conservatives.

COULTER (to Sean Hannity)
I know this handsome devil very well! Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Hannity!

Couler reaches over to kiss him on the cheek, but Hannity grabs her and tries to kiss her lips. Coulter shoves him off.

COULTER
Sean! Don’t make me spank you!

HANNITY (low)
Please do! I’ve been so bad.

COULTER
Just introduce your teammates, you boot licker.

HANNITY (composes himself)
From Fox & Fiends…(slaps his own cheek) sorry, Fox and Friends, the lovely Gretchen Carlson.

CARLSON
Hi! I heard Hillary is actually part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell!

HANNITY
Next to her, the legendary Britt Hume.

HUME (twitching)
Grr…Mexicans!

HANNITY
Author and host John Gibson

GIBSON
I’ve written a new book, The War on Christmas in July: Why Liberals Hate Our Summer Retail Sales.

HANNITY
And finally, the one-and-only Michelle Malkin.

MALKIN (twitching)
Grr…Muslims!

COULTER (moving to the other side of the stage)
And over on my left, Alan Colmes, playing for the Wusses.

COLMES
Ann, how many times do I have to correct you? It’s pronounced “liberals.”

COULTER
Here we go. Wusses go first. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. A number of high profile Republicans have been caught in sex scandals. What encouraged them to engage in these affairs?

COLMES
I’ll say their suppressed sexual desires.

COULTER
You would say that….show me suppression of sexual desires.

There’s a BUZZ as the answer board flashes a big red X.

COULTER
Nice try, four eyes. (Moves to the other side of the stage.) Okay, conservatives, here’s your chance. What pushed these Republican congressmen down the path of sexual perversion?

HUME
Mexicans!

HANNITY
Not yet, Britt! (to Coulter) We’re going to go with Clinton’s Penis.

COULTER
Show me Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and the top answer, with 100 responses, is Clinton’s Penis.

COLMES
Wait, if that’s 100, what are the other four answers?

The board turns the other four spots over, all of which are blank.

COULTER
All our viewers had the same answer, Alan. We just wanted to fool you. Okay, next question, for the Conservatives. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. Why are our borders flooded with illegal immigrants?

HUME and MALKIN (together)
Mexicans!

COULTER
Are you sure? Think really hard about your answer.

HUME
More Mexicans!

MALKIN
No, wait...the answer is Clinton’s Penis!

COULTER
Let’s see Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is the number one answer, with 100 responses.

COULTER
Tough break Alan, but I’m sure you would have given me some nonsense answer anyway. Here’s your last shot. You have to get points here to get to the bonus round. One hundred Fox viewers surveyed, top two answers on the board. Why is John Edwards such a Brecht girl faggot pants?

COLMES
Is that really the question!

COULTER (checking her cards)
Oops, you’re right, that’s a draft of my next column. Here’s the actual question. Who was responsible for 9/11?

COLMES
Osama bin Laden.

COULTER
Show me Obama!

The board DINGS and the second spot is Barack Obama with 49 points.

COLMES
I said "Osama. "

COULTER (shrugs)
Yes, our judges accepted that, too. (Walking to Conservatives, who huddle together in a conference.) Okay, Conservatives, one more answer left. What’s it going to be?

HANNITY (breaking huddle)
We’re going to go with...Clinton’s Penis!

COULTER
Flash me Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is number one with 51 responses.

COULTER
Since the Moonbats managed to score some points, they qualify for the double-bonus round. Conservatives, who’s going to go against Alan?

HANNITY
I’ll do it. I’m used to kicking his ass.

Hannity and Colmes square off in the center stage.

COULTER
This next prize is a big one. Johnny, tell them what they’re playing for...

ANNOUNCER
The winner of this round will receive...The White House!

A picture of The White House flashes on screen.

ANNOUNCER (cont.)
You’ll receive four to eight years in the most powerful political position on Earth, where you can spy on Americans, start wars, and treat the Constitution like a roll of Charmin.

A Diebold voting machine shows on the screen.

ANNOUNCER (cont.)
This fabulous prize is brought to you by Diebold, makers of fine electoral “voting” machines! When you need to win, you need Diebold!

COULTER
Sean, play or pass?

HANNITY
I’ll pass.

COULTER
Alan, here’s the question, and the top two answers are on the board. What is the greatest threat to American security in 2008?

COLMES (sighs)
Ugh

COULTER
Ten seconds. Right answer gives you the White House.

COLMES
(pauses) I can’t believe I’m going to say it, but...Clinton’s penis.

COULTER
That a boy! (to the board) Unleash Clinton’s penis!

The board DINGS and shows Clinton’s penis with 49 responses.

COULTER
Oh, close but no White House cigar! Sean, here’s your chance.

HANNITY
Wow, for once I agreed with Alan. But if it’s not Clinton's Penis, it must be...(snaps fingers) Hillary’s Penis!

The board DINGS and turns over Hillary’s penis with 51 responses.

COLMES
That’s preposterous, how can a woman have a penis!

COULTER
Oh, let me show you, my peg boy! (She grabs Colmes's hand and presses it to her crotch.) That’s all the time we have. Tune in next week when the Conservatives square off against five scarecrows playing for the Liberals!