Wednesday, June 07, 2006

1-900-WIRE-TAP

A CJSD Commercial production

A split-screen shows two Arab men talking on the phone, dressed in jeans and sitting in suburban family rooms. They are having a very animated discussion. A woman with a sultry voice narrates over the footage.

FEMALE VO
Do you want to listen in on hot, wild conversations that could be a threat to our national security? Do you want to hear what suspected terrorists may be doing? Then get in on the action and call 1-900-WIRE-TAP.

You’ll hear all the down and dirty details from sleeper cells that could be right next door. Our big, powerful, NSA computers flag naughty terrorist code words and connect you to where the terrorism may be going down:

We listen in on the conversation:

FIRST ARAB MAN
I’m telling you, Omar, Dirk Nowitski is going to blow up in the NBA Finals.

SECOND ARAB MAN
No doubt, Ali, that German is unstoppable. He’s going to destroy Miami.

FIRST ARAB MAN
Oh yeah, he’s going to kill everyone.

They laugh. Cut to an image of two Arab women on the phone, one holding a cookie while she talks.

FEMALE VO
Whether you like boys or girls, 1-900-WIRE-TAP puts you in the middle of a counterterrorism sandwich....

FIRST ARAB WOMAN (biting into a cookie)
Praise be to Allah, these cookies are dynamite! I could die right now and go to heaven. What’s in them?

SECOND ARAB WOMAN
It’s my super-duper secret recipe. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you!

They laugh, too. Cut to an image of a 30ish white man in a suit, talking on a phone.

FEMALE VO
Not into Arabs? 1-900-WIRE-TAP will catch all kinds of dangerous code words and let you listen in on other American enemies, like Democrats...

MAN IN THE SUIT
Yes, Senator Kennedy, with the President’s approval rating sinking, now is our time to strike. We’ve got to hit him hard on the Iraq issue and rolling back the tax cuts.

FEMALE VO
Academics....

Cut to a female teacher talking on her cell phone.

PROFESSOR
Hello, this is Professor Smith. Yes, I’m currently teaching a course on peace studies. I’d be happy to talk to a reporter.

FEMALE VO
The media...

Cut to a female reporter on the phone

REPORTER
Hi, this is Julie Morganstern from The New Yorker. I’m fact-checking a story by Seymour Hersh on the unconstitutionality of the NSA program.

FEMALE VO
And gays...

Cut to two men shopping at a department store. One talks on his cell phone:

MALE SHOPPER
I know, I keep telling my partner that we should just move to Vermont, but he’s about San Francisco...No, we’re picking out china patterns together. I hope we have enough room for all this stuff in the Miata.

Cut to a montage of all the callers.

FEMALE VO
For all the barely legal NSA monitoring you can handle, hook your phone up to 1-900-WIRE-TAP. We’ll be waiting...and we’re all ears.

MALE VO (speaking rapidly) All calls may be monitored without notification. $3.95 for the first minute, $1.95 for each additional minute. Children under 18 get your parents permission unless they hate America, in which case please press star 7 to speak to one of our operators.

8 comments:

Chuckles said...

Buy me a high def digital video camera and it shall be so.

teh l4m3 said...

Whydoncha put yer finger on my detonator button...

Grendel said...

Your hilarious post convinces me that it's just a matter of time before there's a reality TV show about an al-qaida cell.

almostinfamous said...

i can see how Survivor-Afghanistan might be a reality show. although, i don't see how any of the contestants would last a day, much less a full season unless they were all afghans.

btw, i thought it was 1-900-MIXALOT

blue girl said...

Excellent post, Brando!

It deserves a Koufax!

I'll try to remember to nominate it...

:)

Neel Mehta said...

My favorite part? That you used bold text for "fact-checking."

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I am not responding for fear my IT address will be copied across the internets and then my house will be prime for a wire-tap.

Trevor Jackson said...

I liked the bold on "reporter."