From the creators of Classroom Bias for Dummies and American Foreign Policy for Dummies!
by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
Hola, future interrogators!
I am excited—so very excited—that you are interested in learning more about interrogation. Because the key to winning the War on Terror is information, and most of the time, the only way to get reliable information is to beat it out of someone.
However, as a society, we also follow certain rules and regulations. . . especially when the media are watching us! So to help make sure your next Q&A doesn’t venture into too much S&M, we present this handy guide. Read it, live it, and if necessary, rip the pages out and force feed them to an uncooperative prisoner.
Calibrating your compassion
It is imperative when conducting forceful interrogations to know where to draw the line. The following quick comparisons will help you understand what is considered acceptable behavior, and what is just barbaric.
Hooking a Sears Die Hard battery to a detainee’s scrotum—acceptable
Unhooking life support from a human vegetable—barbaric
Turning prisoners over to countries that practice torture—acceptable
Turning stem cells over to scientific researchers—barbaric
Ignoring the Geneva Conventions—acceptable
Ignoring the Ten Commandments—barbaric
Discarding the Fourth Amendment during a time of war—acceptable
Obeying the system of checks and balances in a time of war—barbaric
Smothering a detainee in a sleeping bag—acceptable
Sharing a sleeping bag with a naked cowboy—barbaric
Beating prisoners with plastic cables—acceptable
Exposing children to plastic boobies on cable—barbaric
Forming naked detainee pyramids—acceptable
Publishing photos of naked detainee pyramids—barbaric
Lie detection checklist
You’ve been at it for hours with an interrogation and your subject still says he’s not Al Queda. Can you believe him? Before you accept his gurgling pleas as truth, follow this checklist.
[ ] Attach electrified nipple clamps?
[ ] Let dogs gnaw on detainee’s appendages?
[ ] Rub fake menstrual blood on detainee?
[ ] Sodomize detainee with a glow stick?
[ ] Allow detainee to sit in a mound of his own feces?
[ ] Waterboard?
[ ] Cause sleep deprivation/suicidal tendencies by putting "Sister Christian" on repeat?
If you’ve done all these steps and still haven’t gotten a confession, congratulations, you’ve determined that your detainee is innocent. Pat him on the back and tell him he's free to walk away (or crawl back to freedom if his knees are broken).
Making your extraordinary renditions extraordinarily legal
One of the keys to good interrogation is knowing when to ask for help. That’s what extraordinary rendition is: asking a helpful partner in the War on Terror to see if they can extract information from a prisoner.
Due to the meddling of freedom-hating liberals, however, it is against the law to hand prisoners over to countries that practice “torture.” Here’s how you can make sure your rendition partner isn’t going to “torture” the subject.
1) Ask the representatives from the country if they torture prisoners
2) Check representatives for crossed fingers
3) Ask them again if they torture prisoners, and this time make them swear on the religious book of their choice
4) If yes, hand prisoner over
What to do if you are accused of torture
- Do not admit fault
- Do not discuss the incident with journalists, activists, tribunals, or anyone except your superior officer, the Attorney General, or the Secretary of Defense
- Ask accuser to define torture
- Acknowledge that said definition is only one of many definitions of torture
- Remind accuser that enemies regularly practice torture
- Ask accuser if he or she would like to see the world ruled by a pro-torture Islamic caliphate
- Deny that you are changing the subject
- Offer to show accuser just how humane waterboarding is
- Find the lowest-ranking person involved and blame everything on him or her
That's all the training you need to be a qualified interrogator. So grab your digital camera and billy club and get ready to embark on an exciting career in information extraction. And remember, your job isn't just to get people to talk, it's also to keep people from talking about what you're doing.