Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Dear Brando: Is my relationship too hot to handle?

DEAR BRANDO:
About three years ago, I started seeing this girl. Everyone told me she was bad news, but I found her incredibly attractive and wanted to focus all my attention on her. We hit it off right away and had a whirlwind romance for a few weeks, at which point I asked her to marry me.

Since then, though, things have gone very sour. For starters, she’s very fiery and has an explosive temper, blowing up unpredictably. She takes money from me but doesn’t work herself. Her family doesn’t like me, and mine is growing less fond of her with every outburst. Sometimes she does something sweet, but lately our fighting is just getting more intense.

Here’s the dilemma: she says she’s pregnant with my baby. I suspect she may be lying, and even if she is pregnant, I don’t know if she really wants to have the baby. To be honest, I’m having second thoughts, too. What do I do?
Stuck in the Middle East With You


Dear Stuck:
There’s an old adage, you reap what you sow (or, alternatively, if you plant it, you eat it). And from the sounds of it, you’ve done more reaping than Cyrus McCormick. I wish I could tell you to cut the umbilical cord and run, but when you said, “I do,” you agreed to stay for the whole joyful slog.

My advice to you: ask around for some secondhand baby clothes that might fit and pray you stay together at least through the bris.



DEAR BRANDO:
I had sex with the daughter of a very high-ranking Republican. Normally I wouldn’t have an issue, but I’m a lifelong Dem. Did I betray my principles for a bit of bush?
Guilty Over Grand Ol’ Pumping


Dear GOGOP:
I don’t think you betrayed your principles. But the level of dirtiness and shame you feel depends on how things went down that night:
  • If it was a gentle, loving, and mutually enjoyable experience, you can see it as a plea for more bipartisan cooperation
  • If she gave you a golden ticket to her chocolate factory, consider it a well-deserved form of political protest.
  • If she busted through your back door, it’s an apt comment on the current state of political affairs.

Whatever you do, make sure you get tested. I don’t have to tell you about those Republican girls.



DEAR BRANDO:
I need you to settle a dispute. I say that global warming is the most dire problem facing the world and that our use of fossil fuels is accelerating the process unnaturally. My colleague says global warming is a potential problem and that he’s not giving up his Hummer. Who’s right?
Sweatin’ Like a Glacier


Dear Sweatin’:
Don’t sweat it, your friend is a chimp. Why? Because when humans find a mountain of evidence, they scale it to see where to go next. When chimps find a mountain of evidence, they fling poop at it and then beat off. Debate solved.


CONFIDENTIAL TO KENNY BOY: Heck of a job.


Dear Brando is written by Dr. I Ellsworth Brando, QED. His latest book is Honey, I Sold the Kids: What to Do When the Man You Love Loves to Sell Your Children Into White Slavery.

3 comments:

blue girl said...

"Guilty Over Grand Ol’ Pumping"

Hee-hee-hee.

Did you ever see the one Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry can have sex with another woman? Where he and his wife agreed to that? And then, when he's in *the other woman's* dressing room and they start kissing he looks over her shoulder and sees a framed picture of Bush on her table?

He's like, "You're a Republican?!"

He didn't go through with it.

Hee-hee-hee.

Brando said...

I never did see that one, but that's really funny. I haven't watched a lot of Curb and I'm trying to get caught up with it on Netflix.

teh l4m3 said...

Psst... Debbie Schlussel has syphilis. Pass it on...