Special extra voter indifference edition!
12) Vowing not to pull out of the birth control debate until we're satisfied.
11) Sending a secret message to the Lil’ Ron Paul Secret Society reminding them to vote for the candidate who doesn’t drink the Ovaltine of race mixing.
10) Showing up drunk at an Ohio rally, dropping our pants, and challenging the other candidates to prove that they’re “presidential material” until Callista pulls us off the stage.
9) Proving we’re just like everyone else by answering “no” when asked if we have any Grey Poupon.
8) Making robocalls to undecided cyborgs who walk among us.
7) Promising to lower gas prices by having Jesus create a year’s supply of fuel out of two empty barrels, a bushel of corn, and a T-Rex thigh.
6) Bonding with the common American male voter by visiting a strip club and showering the dancers with stock options.
5) Rallying Paul supporters by going bunker to bunker.
4) Shaking hands with minority voters without immediately using hand sanitizer or handcuffs.
3) Standing up for family values by making sure our wives have no part in governing their lady parts.
2) Setting up a Cash-4-Polls station in districts where we’re losing to that sweater-vest wearing, rhythm-method failing, Google-bomb-smeared dickbag.
1) Reminding voters that we are the candidate most like them: overweight hypocrites who are completely unelectable.