9) Relocating those close to the polluting effects of urban poverty to their natural, gated habitats.
8) Allowing them to use the 99% as a food source in the event of a blood sugar drop or post-polo-match snack craving.
7) Outfitting them in Armani’s new Kevlar line.
6) Giving luxury submarines the right to torpedo any yacht under 30 feet and any cruise ship featuring an all-you-can-eat buffet.
5) Putting them behind an offensive line fit for Jesus.
4) Subjecting all capital gains taxes to Capitol punishment.
3) Legalizing plastique surgery that allows nose jobs and breast implants to be used as explosives.
2) Slipping on new Trojan Platinum condoms, lubricated with real caviar.
1) Amending the constitution to read, “one dollar, one vote.”