10) Making it a hate crime to refer to any location as “Buttfuck, Iowa.”
9) Vowing to use the power of the White House to ensure Cedar Rapids wins Best Picture.
8) Offering a Thanksgiving 2012 tax credit for Americans who replace gravy with delicious ethanol.
7) Spreading Santorum flyers on every hog pen, cow pasture, and rest stop.
6) Relaxing labor laws so more young Iowans can reap the benefits of being children of the corn.
5) Reassuring voters that we will read the President’s Daily Brief as thoroughly as any newsletter bearing our name.
4) Slitting forearm open to prove to caucusing Iowans that Mitt Romney is not a robot.
3) Promising that every able-bodied male who votes for Michele Bachmann will receive a hug and have a Biblical passage whispered in their ear by Marcus.
2) Demonstrating our commitment to the free market by requiring all tipped cows to right themselves.
1) Convincing every caucus that our brand of conservatism is fresh, clean, pure, and mild.