10) Making it a hate crime to refer to any location as “Buttfuck, Iowa.”
9) Vowing to use the power of the White House to ensure Cedar Rapids wins Best Picture.
8) Offering a Thanksgiving 2012 tax credit for Americans who replace gravy with delicious ethanol.
7) Spreading Santorum flyers on every hog pen, cow pasture, and rest stop.
6) Relaxing labor laws so more young Iowans can reap the benefits of being children of the corn.
5) Reassuring voters that we will read the President’s Daily Brief as thoroughly as any newsletter bearing our name.
4) Slitting forearm open to prove to caucusing Iowans that Mitt Romney is not a robot.
3) Promising that every able-bodied male who votes for Michele Bachmann will receive a hug and have a Biblical passage whispered in their ear by Marcus.
2) Demonstrating our commitment to the free market by requiring all tipped cows to right themselves.
1) Convincing every caucus that our brand of conservatism is fresh, clean, pure, and mild.
7 comments:
LOLZ
As ever. Great post.
Happy New Year.
Did anyone see Cedar Rapids?? I had meant to, but missed it.
If I were running in Iowa, I'd promise a Hamburg Inn "As American as Apple Pie" Shake to every person in the land!
4) Slitting forearm open to prove to caucusing Iowans that Mitt Romney is not a robot.
Done my best...
~
And after all that, they'll take Romney but there's a lotta Santorum involved.
I'm like Pavlov's dog... I see Brando making new comments around the blogosphere and I come over here expecting a new post. :(
I didn't go to the Republican caucus, but I've heard they do it differently than us dems. They just write down who they want and there is a damning lack of baked goods there. How unAmerican is that?
I thought at least Mitt would propose a Stephen Bloom lynching, since he has ties with people who've had experience with that sort of thing...
Oh, and Happy New year!
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