Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday Random 11


It’s one more random than 10!

This month marks five years of the Random 11, a feature I started after I got an iPod for Christmas in 2006. I’ve written 168,000 words since then, with a few of those not even connected to dick jokes.

Yesterday was also the first day of the season that I needed my winter boots. I’m honestly starting to become very Republican on this global warming thing. Just round up all those swimming polar bears, open a few new zoos, and turn on the ice maker. Extinction solved and I can still wear shorts on New Year’s.

1) “Let’s Spend the Night Together,” The Rolling Stones. This would perfect for a Cialis commercial. Boomer couple goes to a Stones concert and is right in the front row. The voice-over guy talks about how you want to be ready when the mood strikes while Mick sings the song. Then after 45 seconds of medical disclaimers, the song climaxes, and before the husband can hustle his wife to the back seat of the Lexus, Mick reaches out, pulls the wife onstage Courtney Cox-style, and takes her backstage, throwing one last wink as the voice-over guy says, “Keep the rock rolling with Cialis.”

2) “Punk Rock Girls,” The Queers. The Lovely Becky and I have talked about Libby as a teenager and how we would react to Libs dyeing her hair. TLB came up with a great solution: Libby can dye her hair any color she wants, but she’ll get a surprise when her mom shows up with her hair the same color. However, piercings will be right out because I’m not becoming a pin cushion to make a point.

3) “My Delirium,” Ladyhawke. I have been tired all week because I am a dumb ass. Why am I a dumb ass? Because my fatigue stems from playing videogames late at night instead of sleeping like a responsible adult. Because I try to be a responsible adult and not play videogames around my toddler-age daughter, I wait until she’s asleep. Unfortunately, I have been playing The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim, which is a crack rock shaped in the form of a 20-sided die. Oh, I’ll just play for an hour or two, I say to myself, with the delusion of an alcoholic hitting happy hour for the appetizers. Four hours later I’m woozy, incoherent, and not wearing pants. This is why I never played World of Warcraft, because I’d be like one of those Korean gamers who dies after forgetting to eat. (I made the mistake of starting Skyrim while Libby was awake, just to check it out. How bad could it be at the beginning, I thought. Of course, the game opens with a beheading and a dragon killing everything in sight. What’s got two thumbs and is father-of-the-year material? This guy.)

Bonus fun material: An absolutely killer bit about videogames from comic Dara O’Briain. He destroyed me with laughter when he started talking about Metal Gear Solid.

4) “Gideon (Live),” My Morning Jacket. Probably makes my All-Crescendo List.

5) “Nothing,” Stabbing Westward. I don’t know if Trent Reznor ever got royalties from these guys, but he should have. Also, the title of the album is Ungod, which is Latin for We are trying too hard to be edgy.

6) “Time for Me to Fly,” REO Speedwagon. My company used to have a yearly conference in Vail, Colorado. I got to attend the last year we held it, and while I certainly worked, the experience was bookended by two of the drunkest nights out with coworkers I have ever had. The first night there (the day before the event started), and after being warned that drinking in high altitudes can exacerbate the effects of alcohol if you’re not used to it, I had an evening where I started drinking 7-and7s, switched to Maker’s on the rocks because I wasn’t getting drunk fast enough, then switchied back to the 7-and-7s because the Maker’s was making me blind (along with the nicotine blitz I was getting from the smart decision to smoke). Thank God I didn’t need to start the next day until 11.

When the event ended, we went to a bar where this one guy was a musician in residence. He had a big fat book of covers you could request, and in my drunken happy state (it had been a great week and we were celebrating a successful event) I requested this song and sang along with it. I would have popped a lighter in the air if I had one at the time. I feel a bit of shame because this is a sappy, sappy, sappy song, even if in deep dark places I don’t talk about at cocktail parties, I really do love it.

7) “Snowblind,” Black Sabbath. I don’t think Ozzy’s talking about winter drifts in January. For all the perils of today’s society, I am glad cocaine was no longer chic by the time I reached an age where I might have been tempted to try it. Because there’s no way if I was 20 in 1977 that I wasn’t doing a couple of lines before heading to a Foghat concert. That’s why I stick to booze—I tend to get too sleepy by the time I would do any real damage. The last thing I need is to get hooked on something that would have me playing Skyrim for 56 straight hours.

8) “Ray,” Aimee Mann. Amazingly not on the YoutTube. Year ago TLB—a giant Aimee Mann fan—was discussing with me why she liked Aimee Mann so much, and she launched into this discussion of Mann’s rhyming couplets and how she is so creative in how she structures her rhymes and will often string together a several quick lines of rhymes. I said, “She sings real pretty.” Guess which one of us is the professor. This song is real pretty, too.

9) “Rock N Roll,” Led Zeppelin. The other day, my mind wandered into this weird daydream where Alex Lifeson of Rush personally thanked me for sending him a copy of my award-winning novel (as well as commenting how funny I was on The Colbert Report), and then asked me, being a giant Rush fan, what kind of setlist they should play on their next tour (I wish to Cookie Jesus I was making this up). In mid-daydream, I actually stopped to give this some thought before replying to imaginary Lifeson that they would absolutely slay everyone in attendance if they opened with a cover of this. Which, all psychiatric concerns from how I reached this conclusion aside, would indeed melt the faces of every Rush fan in attendance. Or at least the ones who were not seated in the imaginary front row like I was. And no, Geddy did not pull me onto the stage Courtney-Cox style.

10) “Late Night Conversation,” Josh Rouse (decent cover version). One of the downsides of having a large collection of music on my computer (far too much for my 80 gig iPod to hold anymore) is that I don’t always get to listen to a lot of it. Which is a big reason why I love doing this post each week—sometimes something comes up and I go, “Oh, that’s good, I should get it,” before remembering that I have it. Incidentally, after Skyrim, late-night conversations with TLB are the next largest source of sleep deprivation. It’s literally like the lights go off and we start shooting the breeze (and no, that’s not a euphemism). So my two biggest sources of not getting enough sleep are running around an imaginary fantasy world and talking to my wife while in bed. It’s a damn good thing I’m married because I would have no fucking clue how to woo a woman these days.

11) “Wonderwall,” Oasis. I know Von hates this, as does TLB, but I love it. It has that universality that I think great singles have, where it can appeal to a lot of people who normally wouldn’t agree on anything. For instance, let’s say that I was talking with Beyonce, who also was complimenting me on my appearance on The Colbert Report. It wouldn’t surprise me if, when this song started playing, we both said, “I love this song.” And then we’d laugh and say, “Jinx, by me a Coke,” and then Jay-Z would have his guy Pain-Luv dangle me from the penthouse balcony. That’s good songwriting.

Bonus: “The Unsinkable Fats Domino,” Guided By Voices. A new classic sounding GbV song from the classic GbV lineup. Worth watching this performance from Letterman to see, as one YouTube commenter put it, “the sinkable Greg Demos.”

Have a great weekend.

50 comments:

fish said...

Because my fatigue stems from playing videogames late at night instead of sleeping like a responsible adult.

The boy just got the new Zelda and I am terrified of it.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

We saw some sleet yesterday and some isolated flakes today, Brando.

But it's the warmest year on record with a La Nina event.

/pedant
~

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The boy just got the new Zelda and I am terrified of it.

I remember that! An excellent way to waste your life.

+++
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

80 gig iPods just chuckle weakly, wheeze slightly, and melt when I plug them into my library.

blue girl said...

Brando, regarding your "Snowblind" point. In the mid-80s when all of my friends and acquaintances were getting married, you could NEVER even get the wedding party out on the dance floor together because they were "out in their car" for some, ahem, reason. No exaggeration. The parents were always bewildered: WHERE IS EVERYONE?!

blue girl said...

I've always wanted to put a band together to do "Rock and Roll." It might blow my voice out from that moment forward, but it would so be worth being able to belt that song out!

My daydream: All of us bloggers are together. We're in some great, dark, dive bar in New York City. We've put a band together. We're up on stage doing "Gimme Shelter."

Well, what do you know? Who walks in to get a beer? Mick. Everyone's like, OMG, there's Mick Jagger. Someone's like, C'mon on up here on stage, Mick!

It's well before 2:25 in this video -- or that would ruin the whole daydream.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W76KuFAhMfc&feature=related

He comes up on stage JUST IN TIME for us to sing that "duet" together.

My whole life is complete.

blue girl said...

Brando, Mick has his total Mickness going on in that video. You would hate it! lol

Substance McGravitas said...

I've always wanted to put a band together to do "Rock and Roll." It might blow my voice out from that moment forward

Clever recording engineers keep a bottle of vodka in the freezer, which dulls the singer's pain and makes them do crazier things.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

He comes up on stage JUST IN TIME for us to sing that "duet" together.

And then the zombie eats his brains, because I am not especially fond of the Rolling Stones, and you can't take me anyplace.

Besides, he's got to have all kinds of residual recreational chemicals in that melon.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

However, piercings will be right out because I’m not becoming a pin cushion to make a point.

You'll never make it in the punk rock band I am starting up at fish's.

blue girl said...

ZRM, you are now allowed to eat Mick's brains in MY day dream. In yours? Ok. But, not in mine.

And now I've added a couple of things to my fantasy:

Chilled Vodka so that I *definitely* hit all the high notes.

And pointing to Mick up on stage and then winking at ZRM out in the audience. WHO IS COMPLETELY IGNORING THE WHOLE THING.

blue girl said...

NOT allowed.

Dammit!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

No, BG, you had it right the first time, LOL.

What, I don't get to be in your band? PSHAW.

PSHAW. and HMMPF.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

WHO IS COMPLETELY IGNORING THE WHOLE THING.

I am standing in the bar, ordering drinks and talking loudly, disrupting the singers during the quiet "sensitive" portions of the songs.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

...Also, loudly asking for the band to play Rush songs.

blue girl said...

OMG, YOU are yelling for us to play RUSH and then all of a sudden who shows up but Alex Lifeson. He's weaving his way through the crowd and walks up to Brando to thank him for that signed copy of his novel. And OF COURSE I'm not sure what to do at this point because NO ONE is paying attention to our "duet," cuz they're all STARING at Alex Lifeson and Brando.

Mick then starts strutting SQUARED, trying to get everyone's attention back...

blue girl said...

Of course you can be in the band.

Von's on bass. (Fewer strings)

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

cuz they're all STARING at Alex Lifeson and Brando.

Who have a total bromance thing going on suddenly.

blue girl said...

LOL @ Who have a total bromance thing going on suddenly.

AND BRANDO IS SO. HAPPY.

And Jennifer's sitting somewhere in the dark, dankness of the bar, scared to death Geddie Lee's gonna show up and start singing...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

suddenly I want Jennifer to paint this scene.

blue girl said...

I know! Where is she? Waiting in the LONG LINE to the women's restroom in the dark, dank, dive of a bar??

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I doubt it. There are spiders back there.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

AND BRANDO IS SO. HAPPY.

Every time I read this, I can totally visualize it, and it is hilarious; I see him being all like a puppy dog. Including the piddling.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

dark dankness? or dank darkness?

IF ONLY THERE WAS AN EDITOR AVAILABLE WHO CAN HELP US SORT THIS OUT.

Jennifer said...

Hmmm, which is worse... spiders lurking in dark dankness/dank darkness (is this the bar's name?) or GEDDIE?!?! SINGING!!!!!

Hmmm, which???

Brando said...

LOL at this whole thread. Way too much undiluted Mick for me in that video but I would love to see BG singing "Gimme Shelter," which I just happen to kill in Rock Band.

I wish I had filmed TLB's reaction when she read my Alex Lifeson dream. She looked like she was ready to have me commited.

Brando said...

If I met Alex Lifeson, I guarantee I would resemble Marcia Brady after she met Davey Jones.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Dank Darkness is the band's name.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I'm sorry.

That band's name should be Dark Dankness.

LEAD SINGER'S name is Dank Darkness.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

THAT'S GEDDY.

Jennifer said...

LOL @ Marcia/Davy Jones. :)

blue girl said...

LEAD SINGER'S name is Dank Darkness.

Sounds too much like skank. lol Don't want to make criticism too easy when I can't hit the high notes! Although with the vodka, that is highly unlikely.

Brando said...

BG, sounds like you should be drinking HI-C instead.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

With a name like Dank Darkness, you don't have to hit any high notes. A whiskey and cigarette ravaged growl is probably more appropriate.

Or perhaps something like Exene's voice, maybe.

blue girl said...

If Dank Darkness would start drinking HI-C, she might start sounding like Geddie Lee.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

For BG, at Neil Peart's request.

Jennifer said...

BG should start sucking on helium.

Substance McGravitas said...

Vince Neil never got half the shit that Geddy, uh, geds.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I really do love it.

All's I'll say is that I have been ripping vinyl that I acquired when in high school.

Von said...

OMG I LOVE the hair color solution.
This would have totally worked on me when I was a teenager. I laugh just thinking of my mom with blue or purple hair to match my own.
Plus, I'm looking forward to TLB with pink or blue hair....

Von said...

BG and all:
I also carry a tune well enough to be backup vocals, just saying.
Band Name: Nailzy and the Nuance Hammers?

Von said...

Iz true. I hate Oasis.
So shoot me.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I don't hate Oasis.

Just never saw much use for 'em. If you like the Beatles, go for it, says I. If you want alternative Brit-pop, there are other bands with less baggage (and more output, frankly).

Heck, there's always the Kinks if you just like the talented brothers who hate each other.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

This would have totally worked on me when I was a teenager. I laugh just thinking of my mom with blue or purple hair to match my own.

I suspect it won't work quite that well, because Libby will just take it as a challenge and come home with her head half-shaved or something.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Although seeing the entire Brando family with naked noggins is certain to be epic.

Churlita said...

In my experience, the less fuss you make over piercings and funky hair color, the less fun it is for them. My daughter told me she wanted red streaks in her hair when she turned 13. I was all for it and offered to help her do it. Apparently, that sucked the fun right out of it.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

more importantly, WHO THE HELL THOUGHT A NEW VAN HALEN ALBUM WAS A GOOD IDEA?

Substance McGravitas said...

Dave.

Coincidentally w/v is dipingin.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Oh, come on, Substance. I can't imagine anyone listens to David Lee Roth anymore.

blue girl said...

Churlita, I agree. When Blue Kid was about 13 and went through this weird punk phase with bangs that covered half of his face, I just let him do without saying too much about it. Even acted like I liked it. (My husband was having a breakdown, tho. lol) Blue Kid grew out of it.