9) Will change the social safety net into a real net that will hold the unemployed in place until there are jobs available.
8) Will support a strict originalist interpretation of the Constitution that will make it illegal for anyone to be president if they only count as 3/5 of a person.
7) Will save money by putting social security funds into a lockbox that old people will never figure out how to open.
6) Will vow to keep gay romance away from the church altar and instead leave it in the confessional where it belongs.
5) Will support the right of Americans to die whenever and wherever they choose to fall into a coma.
4) Will require schools to strengthen the counting skills of children by using Bible verses and ammunition calibers.
3) Will strengthen faith in science by making science faith-based.
2) Will cut taxes so that the rich can stimulate a robust American recovery by creating more jobs for Guatemalan housekeepers, Mexican greenskeepers, Brazilian waxers, African adoption officers, French restaurateurs, Italian designers, Dutch jewelers, German automakers, and Swiss bankers.
1) Will promise not to trigger the Rapture until our second term.