WASPTOPIA, CA – Herman Cain. Rick Santorum. Jon Huntsman. Newt Gingrich. Ron Paul. Michele Bachmann. Mitt Romney. Rick Perry. As the candidates for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination filed into Ketchup Hall at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation, Library, and Sanitarium, the enthusiastic audience applauded what they thought was an historical occasion for the GOP: The largest number of dildos ever displayed during a presidential debate.
A controversial, last-minute reclassification would put the record out of reach and leave the Ron Paul campaign complaining of a conspiracy to “make Ron Paul pull out of this race.” Nevertheless, most pundits agreed it was as impressive a display of conservative political dildos as the Republican party has ever witnessed.
Certainly the diversity of the dildos on display was the most varied the GOP had ever seen. Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney represented the traditional crooked and white dildo wings of the party, which historically have driven the Republican presidential process. Rick Santorum, once part of the traditional dildo wing, isnow firmly lodged in the bent anal dildo camp that appeals to certain hardcore members of the Republican party but is too painful for most Republicans to consider.
However, four very unorthodox dildos have been thrust into the Republican limelight. Businessman Herman Cain is only the second black dildo to ever be considered for president by the mostly white party. While not a frontrunner, he is seen as a smoother, sleeker version compared to the bumpy dildo that was former African American GOP candidate Alan Keyes. Unfortunately, Cain has not only bucked tradition, but he has courted controversy by inserting himself into some sticky debates, such as whether he would consider a Muslim for his cabinet.
Jon Huntsman of Utah was perhaps the most realistic dildo of the field, one representative of the modest stature and appearance of the average middle-class Republican voter. Huntsman did not try to force his way into the debate or pound such popular issues such as whether global warming was real. Yet, while admired for his approach, the former governor is considered too unimposing and veiny to appeal to many voters, and the audience seemed less than satisfied with his performance during the debate.
Ron Paul is by far the least conventional of the GOP dildos, a squat, inflexible candidate whose hard-headed approach is his main draw to like-minded voters looking for a more freewheeling, unrestricted governmental lifestyle. But like Cain, Paul lacks broad appeal and seems only able to fill a libertarian niche in the race.
Michele Bachman came into the debate standing tall and erect after her performance in the Iowa straw poll, and she clearly looked ready to ride the momentum generated from that climactic victory. She is the pink strap-on of the field, feminine and yet masculine at the same time. But while she appeals to both male and female voters, many have wondered if she was simply a temporary stand-in for a larger male candidate.
That certainly seemed to be the case as the focus shifted to the biggest dildo in the race, Governor Rick Perry of Texas. Perry is considered by many to be the ideal representative dildo for the GOP nomination: big, white, and sporting a large base. He is also a man who revels in his dildo status. “He doesn’t try to hide what he is,” said John Harris of Politico, one of the moderators. “Furthermore, Perry did what smart dildos do: He waited until there was a clear opening and then pushed his way in.”
The buzz around Perry caused a clear vibration of excitement among the audience, as they routinely applauded and cheered his performance. He scored the most when he engaged the other frontrunner, Romney, in direct swordfights, tussling with the former Massachusetts governor on job creation and health care. His blunt discussion of what he would do to Social Security, income taxes, and the direct election of senators—talk that until recently seemed far too risqué for mainstream political discourse—only seemed to excite the crowd that much more.
Moderator Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News also garnered a cheer from the crowd when he said that the eight dildos simultaneously on televised display was a presidential record, breaking the old one set by the second Democratic presidential debate of 1988. However, that enthusiasm was quickly quashed when it was determined that Ron Paul was technically a butt-plug and not a full-fledged dildo. The classification came at the behest of the Republican National Committee, which explained in a press release that, “while we appreciate the important role Mr. Paul plays in the act of nominating a presidential candidate, his stature, appearance, and constant state of being a pain in the ass make it clear he is more of a rectal plug than a true dildo.”
“That’s a lot of crap,” Paul said when reached for comment. “The whole thing stinks, and it’s indicative of how I’ve been buried in this whole debate. But at the end of the day, categories don’t matter. All that matters is that I represent the real desires of Americans. You may not see me as much in this debate, but you will definitely feel my presence.”
Despite the controversy, the debate was considered a successful display of the varied dildoship of the party. It was also a clear victory for Perry, whose campaign seems to be gaining stamina as the rest of the field flags a bit. After the debate, Brian Williams summed up Perry’s performance in one statement, “He’s clearly the Jeff Stryker Monster Cock of the field.”