9) Suggesting that all Muslims be considered terrorists until they exclusively target British citizens and Irish Protestants.
8) Putting ourselves in their frame of mind by repeatedly hitting our head with a shovel.
7) Declaring that the creeping socialism of America will prevent it from catching up to the unapologetically socialist countries ahead of us.
6) Claiming that it was only our hunger for liberty that made us stick our wedding hand in the nookie jar.
5) Showing our pro-gun, pro-religion stance by vowing to shoot the wall between church and state with our legally concealled bazooka.
4) Accepting an honorary home-school degree, lovingly made with crayon.
3) Simultaneously tackling anti-white and anti-rich bias by noting that if it wasn’t for rich white men, black people never would have made it to America.
2) Campaigning in a red, white, and blue monster truck that runs on baby seal oil.
1) Promising to release our liberty from the tyrannical clutches of a secular nanny state and put it back in the righteous hands of a vengeful god.