10) Allowing a tax deduction on all leaches purchased for medicinal purposes.
9) Eliminating all doctors, medicines, and hospitals so the free market can heal the sick directly.
8) Strengthening preventive care by offering free laying on of hands from the preacher of your choice.
7) Replacing overweight, unhealthy Americans who demand affordable healthcare with thinner, meeker foreigners who will be ecstatic for a glass of clean water and a couple of Advil.
6) Letting insurance companies regulate themselves if they promise to really, really, really try to not deny coverage to people unless that coverage is really, really, really going to interfere with the fourth-quarter earnings.
5) Providing free prescription drugs for any American willing to be part of the clinical testing.
4) Allowing every American to take control of their health care by giving them a free bottle of whiskey, a stick to bite on, and a bone saw.
3) Funding an expedition to search for a sparkly, magical healthcare pony that can fix all of our coverage problems with a flick of its rainbow-colored tail.
2) Offering access to quality government-run health care and free international travel at all local recruiting stations.
1) Giving every American the freedom to choose between the health care system that we now have and the option to move your whiny asses to Canada or Europe if you think it’s so much better there, you freedom-hating, socialism-loving, quality-of-life-worshiping traitors.