Special extra wordy edition!
13) Opening set by Rahm Emmanuel from his new one-man show, "Suck My Donkey Dick, You GOP Leg Humpers."
12) New remix of "Hail to the Mothaf****n' Chief (feat. Jay-Z, TI, and Rihanna)."
11) Plan to place all unemployed Americans in suspended animation chambers until new jobs are created for them.
10) Method to solicit new ideas for economic growth through a new TV show, So You Think You Can Rescue the Economy from Apocalyptic Collapse?
9) A revolutionary new program that will increase our health, reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and greatly reduce the number of traffic fatalities: walking.
8) Immediate lowering of the unemployment rate by officially recognizing "slacker" as an occupation.
7) Plan to firm up investor confidence and get the stock market pumping again by merging the financial sector with the porn industry.
6) Proposal to cut Post Office expenditures by requiring all non-essential mail to be Twittered.
5) Tearful, factually-challenged apology about unethical banking practices, delivered by Alex Rodriguez.
4) Initiative to reduce teen sexual activity by requiring children aged 12-17 to watch their parents having sex (mandatory minimum of three sessions of intercourse).
3) Bold new declaration to end our current economic depression by invading Germany and Japan.
2) A wardrobe malfunction that gives a little stimulus to the ladies (and certain male supporters).
1) A call that the nation should commit itself, before the next decade is out, of going to Mars, bitches! M.A.R.S.!