20) The United States is a Christian nation because it was founded when the pilgrims rolled away Plymouth Rock from the tomb of Jesus.
19) The colonies revolted against the British Empire because Great Britain unfairly taxed the colonists to fund universal leechcare.
18) The Constitution is protected from undoing by activist judges because, at the very bottom, it says “P.S., no backsies”
17) There is no separation of Church and State in America because the original states and the New Testament didn’t allow divorce.
16) American Indians marched on the Trail of Cheers as they gleefully left their native lands to create reservation casinos.
15) The Civil War started over breach of etiquette by the North.
14) Jim Crow laws were enacted to protect newly freed African Americans from the burden of being white.
13) The Spanish-American War was fought over the introduction of bilingual education.
12) The Sixteenth Amendment on federal income taxes was an April Fool’s joke, but because news was slow back then, nobody got the joke until April 15, after it was ratified.
11) The Great Depression was named after Americans’ sadness over the socialism of the New Deal.
10) During World War II, Japanese Americans were interns for the U.S. government.
9) The Cold War started because Ronald Reagan wasn’t president.
8) Joe McCarthy knew who the communists in the American government were because they were colored red while everyone else was in black and white.
7) Hippies were only supporting peace ironically.
6) Nixon had to leave office because he really wanted to hear what Democratic presidential nominees had to say.
5) The United States won the Vietnam War because the United States never leaves a war until it’s been won.
4) In 1981, ketchup became the state vegetable of America.
3) Ronald Reagan won the Cold War by tearing down the Berlin Wall with his bare hands.
2) Bill Clinton had sex on the Constitution while using the American flag as a condom and eating a bald eagle.
1) The Republicans won the 2000 election decision because Jesus Christ and George W. Bush have the same number of letters.