Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Top Ten Wednesdays: What advice are we giving graduates during their commencements?

10) As college graduates leaving the hallowed halls of higher education, the world is your oyster. Except for those of you who majored in humanities and social sciences. Your world will be the deep fryer and, if you show a little initiative, the shake machine.

9) When it comes to the choices you make in life, remember this: it is better to have had cheezburger and eated it than to have never had cheezburger at all.

8) Ask not what your country can do for you. Seriously, don’t ask, now’s not a good time.

7) If you don’t know what to do, consider graduate school. Not only will you be able to still suckle at the teat of college, but in 5-7 years, you will have the honor of being called “Dr. Loser” in the unemployment office.

6) Success in business is much like success in college: study hard, work hard, and when those two things fail, cheat like a motherfucker.

5) Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life. However, it is an excellent way to get on reality TV.

4) You have seen many changes in your lifetime. The birth of the Internet. The easiest access to pornography in human history. The ability to stalk exes and see if they got fat and/or wound up with someone who is fat. Sexting. Having acts that were once outlawed as high depravity now being considered just another Saturday night. You may not be the Greatest Generation, but you bastards are sure as hell the Luckiest Generation.

3) Never underestimate what can be done with one chubby kid, some trashy Eurodisco, and a Web cam.

2) Benjamin Franklin once said an investment in knowledge pays the best interest. Please keep that in mind when your student loan provider sends you your default notice.

1) Gunga gulunga, gunga gunga lagunga.

8 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

0) Keep it in your pants.
~

fish said...

K) Accept that the Wall St. Bankers really are your betters despite the fact that their business models can't possibly work.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...


6) Success in business is much like success in college: study hard, work hard, and when those two things fail, cheat like a motherfucker.


Ah. Failing at number 3. Thank you for the diagnosis. Will make appropriate changes.

Jennifer said...

0) Keep it in your pants.

Never tweet your bulge.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.

Jennifer said...

LOL @ #1!!! I had just skimmed it before, but just saw the joke. :)

It's been a long week. I'm a little slow on the uptake.

Jennifer said...

No wait! I did not miss the joke the first time... but the second time I thought I read it as this:

Gunga gulunga, bunga bunga lagunga

I thought you had slipped some Berlusconi in with your Dalai Lama...

Substance McGravitas said...

3) Never underestimate what can be done with one chubby kid, some trashy Eurodisco, and a Web cam.

I figure you can drop the chubby kid on the guy taking the deposit to the bank, but the Eurodisco kind of alerts people that something's gonna happen and the webcam would be flat-out stupid.