9) When it comes to the choices you make in life, remember this: it is better to have had cheezburger and eated it than to have never had cheezburger at all.
8) Ask not what your country can do for you. Seriously, don’t ask, now’s not a good time.
7) If you don’t know what to do, consider graduate school. Not only will you be able to still suckle at the teat of college, but in 5-7 years, you will have the honor of being called “Dr. Loser” in the unemployment office.
6) Success in business is much like success in college: study hard, work hard, and when those two things fail, cheat like a motherfucker.
5) Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life. However, it is an excellent way to get on reality TV.
4) You have seen many changes in your lifetime. The birth of the Internet. The easiest access to pornography in human history. The ability to stalk exes and see if they got fat and/or wound up with someone who is fat. Sexting. Having acts that were once outlawed as high depravity now being considered just another Saturday night. You may not be the Greatest Generation, but you bastards are sure as hell the Luckiest Generation.
3) Never underestimate what can be done with one chubby kid, some trashy Eurodisco, and a Web cam.
2) Benjamin Franklin once said an investment in knowledge pays the best interest. Please keep that in mind when your student loan provider sends you your default notice.
1) Gunga gulunga, gunga gunga lagunga.