Friday Random 11

It’s one more random than 10! 

1) “These Are the Fables,” The New Pornographers. I made up a story for Libby at bedtime the other night. I don’t usually do that, sticking instead with reading books to her. But she said she wanted to hear a story about me as a little boy, only she wanted it to be about me fighting a dragon (for real, not with my mind and a 20-sided die). So I created a story where my siblings and I had to slay a dragon who was raiding our village (total Dragonslayer cribbing), helped along by a wizard named Gandalf who gave us some magic weapons. It’s amazing how creative you can be when you have free reign to plagiarize.

2) “Sunny,” Morrissey. I wonder if he sounds sad when he orders carry out (er, take away). Does he say stuff like, Oh, how long for a pizza pie, one that reminds me of your eyes, if they were made of, pepperooooooni.

3) “Unglued,” Stone Temple Pilots. Most annoying junkie in rock history? Seriously, Jimi Hendrix dies after three solo albums, but Scott Weiland has survived long enough to get kicked out of Stone Temple Pilots twice? That just isn’t fair.

4) “Kiss Off,” Violent Femmes. I am no comedy wallflower, as you all are well aware. However, I damn near dropped my phone when I saw the infamous Onion Oscar tweet. However, the worst part to me was the endless MANSPLAINING that it was a joke and not directed at Quvenzhané Wallis, as if The Onion is some kind of Iranian nuclear schematic that’s difficult to understand instead of one of the lower hanging fruits on the comedy tree. They also tried to act like intent is all that matters in comedy, which I guess means white people can call black people the n-word as long as they don’t mean it. Imagine sitting at a dinner table with your father and, after your mother left the room, you said, “Boy, mom’s really a cunt, isn’t she?” Granted, this may elicit the occasional grunt of alcoholic agreement, especially if your last name is Lockhorn. In most cases, though, I doubt the intent would convince your father not to punch you and/or write you out of the will. Just remember: if you’re unsure whether you should call a nine-year-old girl a cunt to get a laugh, you’re much better off checking the “No” box.

5) “Oliver James,” Fleet Foxes. If I was named Oliver James, I would have this played at my funeral. But I’m not, so I’m going to go with my second choice.

6) “Cath…,” Death Cab for Cutie. This song always reminds me of a young woman getting hit on by an much older (and creepier) man, and in the wake of the Oscars, that can’t help but remind me a little of Jennifer Lawrence meeting Jack Nicholson. I also had my own old man moment (non-creepy), where I found myself thinking that Jennifer Lawrence is adorable, the way you would talk about a puppy or the grandchild you secretly favor over the other also-rans. Not Jennifer Lawrence is hot or even the gentlemanly Jennifer Lawrence is rather attractive. I am happy I had the adorable thought, because I am old enough to be her father if I a) had made some different life choices and b) were fertile. At the same time, it was like having a platonic hug with mortality that I was too old to have anything remotely resembling a dirty thought about her.

7) “Love My Way,” The Psychedelic Furs. This is a much more age-appropriate love.

8) “Red Barchetta,” Rush. I will spare the usually orgasmic prose about THE GREATEST BAND IN THIS OR ANY UNIVERSE and instead mention something silly that made me feel kind of awesome. I was at wholesale retailer that rhymes with LostMoe with my daughter. They had an 80-inch television on display, which elicited a sound of awe from my little girl that filled me with electronic pride. There was a salesmen who happened to be African American standing by the display. He wore a shirt from a company that rhymes with Erect TV. He asked me who my cable provider was, and when I responded that I was a happy customer of his employer, he smiled, said, “right on,” and offered me an unsolicited fist bump. As someone who is whiter than Wonder Bread, this filled me with a delightful mix of hipness and racial harmony. I felt like the two of us could have come up with a plan for ending racism by the end of the next minority-free episode of Girls. It is a testament to how uncool I feel most of the time that I had this reaction.

9) “Part IV (The Index Fossil,” Bad Religion. Dedicated to the #1 BR fan, fish.

10) “Milkman,” EMA. One of those albums that is really, really good, but such a downer that I almost never play it.

11) “What the Water Gave Me,” Florence + the Machine. In addition to my daughter appreciating epically sized televisions, she has started to really get into music and have opinions on music—especially her preference for “girl singers.” If she knows the song, she sings along, or at least mumbles in tune until the chorus shows up. She really likes anything by Florence, so whenever this pops up, I have Libby + the Machine joining in. I’ll take that, even if she will never, ever sing “Tom Sawyer.”

Have a good weekend!