10) On behalf of everyone in our corporation/administration/technology cult, we would like to humbly/deeply/sort of apologize for poisoning your coastline/firing you for being a racist/assuming human beings hold their cell phones with their hands. Please accept our transparent attempt to avoid a Congressional subpeona/calculated attempt to avoid any further slides in the polls/blatant attempt to hold on to your chains of brand slavery.
9) What’s that? You want a little more. Jesus Christ, we already said we humbly apologize, you ungrateful...fine.
8) As a symbol of our media-/newscycle-/market research-driven regret, please accept this heartfelt series of touching television commercials/heartfelt statement from our press representative/heartfelt accusation that you’re a moronic dumb ass who doesn’t know how to hold a cell phone properly.
7) So there you go, are we square? No?! Well if that’s not good enough, you can take your environmental disaster/unwarranted termination/dropped calls and shove them up your whiny little....
6) Ahem. On advice of counsel, we would like to humbly/deeply/sort of apologize for our comments in number 7.
5) Furthermore, to rectify this situation, we promise to dispatch our very best underwater robots/spin doctors/automated tech support message.
4) In addition, to prevent a repeat of this situation, we also vow, to the best of our profitability/approval ratings/product release schedule, to not treat environmental safety like a junior executive willing to trade sex for a promotion/beg for approval from conservative bloggers like a GOP Congressman begging to lick the heels of a $300-an-hour dominatrix/design beautiful cell phones that handle actual phone calls like a supermodel recoiling from your greasy touch.
3) Finally, we would also like to offer you a free lube, oil, and filter for your local beach/your old job back at the same crappy government salary you were making before everyone thought you were a dirty stinking bigot/an ugly rubber casing that makes your shiny $600 phone look like Fisher Price's My First Overpriced Piece of Technoshit.
2) Now that surely should take care of all your concerns, right? Oh, come on! Are you telling us that you’re not satisfied with our slow and ineffectual/rash and haphazard/condescending and arrogant response to the situation? Okay, fine, have it your way.
1) We hereby announce that we assume full responsibility for the situation and will now be jumping from our nosediving corporate stock with an $18-million-dollar golden parachute/buying your silence with the promise of a personal phone call from the President and a new job, “Undersecretary for Sweeping Things Under the Rug”/letting you exchange your phone for a refund like the uncool, drooling, Droid-loving loser that you are. Happy now?