Thursday, October 01, 2015

Official Application for Republican Presidential Candidates

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance
Originally published May 13, 2007. Now more appropriate than ever.




1. Name: _________________________

2. Occupation: _________________________

3. Name of yacht/racehorse/summer vacation compound:

_________________________

4. How do we know your father? _________________________

5. Race:
a) White
b) Other (skip to end)

6. Gender:
a) Male
b) Other (skip to end)

7. Age:
a) Iron
b) Bronze
c) Stone

8. Religion:
a) Evangelical Christian
b) Christian that doesn’t hate gays (skip to end unless former mayor of New York)
c) Mormon but not too Mormon
d) Jewish (skip to the end, turn application over, and describe your qualifications for State and Commerce Department posts)
e) Muslim (skip to the end and wait for the authorities)
f) Athiest (skip to the end and go to Hell)

9. Martial status:
a) Married
b) Plurally Married
c) Divorced
d) Married, Divorced, Remarried
e) Married, Divorced as wife lay on deathbed, Remarried, Divorced due to adultery during Clinton impeachment hearings, Remarried, Divorced after name came up in madam’s black book.
f) Single, neat, white, and definitely not gay

10. Have you ever done drugs?
a) No
b) Only to close deals back in the 80s
c) Does inhaling the Holy Spirit count as a drug?

11. Please indicate your average household income as a percentage of GDP: ____%

12. Did you serve in Vietnam?
a) Yes (go to question 13)
b) I really would have liked to, but I had an MBA to get
c) I protected our shores against Viet Cong sneak attacks

13. Why did you serve?
a) Wanted to defend my country against communism
b) Dad couldn’t get servant’s son to swap lottery numbers with me
c) Really, really, really wanted to kill people


ISSUES
For the following questions, please select the answer closest to your own views.

14. I ____ poor people.
a) hire
b) hate
c) hunt

15. How do you view illegal immigration?
a) A complex problem that must be handled firmly but humanely
b) An excellent opportunity to undermine labor unions
c) Immigrants are actually demons tunneling in from ninth circle of Hell

16. What’s your view on global warming?
a) We have to take a careful look at possible man-made influences on the environment
b) Hard to see climate change due to smoke produced by my factories
c) What part of God saying he’d take care of the birds do you not understand?

17. Do you support a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage?
a) Yes
b) No, it should be left up to the states, except in cases where states vote to allow it, then yes
c) Only if it includes provisions for stoning

18. How do you feel about tax cuts?
a) They stimulate the economy
b) They stimulate my portfolio
c) They stimulate my loins

19. _________ are the best way to prevent teen pregnancy.
a) Condoms
b) Condemnations
c) Convents

20. What are your views on evolution?
a) I support it
b) I support it, but I also support people not supporting it if they will still vote for me.
c) I support stickering every textbook that mentions it.

21. How do you feel about the relationship between church and state?
a) They should be separate...in most cases...although, really, if a pastor wants to advocate a certain political party, what’s the harm?
b) Religious tax deductions are a sign that God loves us
c) I would like to put them in the same room, give them some mulled wine, put on some Psalms, dim the lights, and see what happens

22. Do you believe that Saddam Hussein had close ties to the 9/11 terrorists?
a) Yes
b) Of course, they were all Arabs!
c) The very nature of that question shows how much you hate freedom

23. _________ are America’s greatest enemy.
a) Terrorists
b) Communists
c) The Clintons


ESSAY
In 50 words or less, please describe why we can never leave Iraq. Your answer must include the words freedom, democracy, terror, and The Rapture:

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________


SCANDAL DISCLOSURE
Please check any potential scandals that you may have:

__ Draft dodger
__ Tax evader
__ Received illegal campaign contributions
__ Visited brothel
__ Used illegal campaign contributions to visit brothel
__ Smoked meth
__ Had sex with gay prostitute
__ Smoked meth while having sex with gay prostitute
__ Used racial epithets in my youth
__ Use racial epithets now
__ Cheated on wife
__ Cheated on woman who I cheated on wife with
__ Technically not born a man
__ Paid for an abortion
__ Performed an abortion
__ Was aborted but lived
__ Shot old man in the face on accident
__ Shot old man in the face after tracking him for three days
__ Took wife to sex club
__ Took wife to sex club for our anniversary
__ Went to sex club on anniversary without wife
__ Unable to read diploma from Yale
__ Voted Democrat
__ Have acted like a complete hypocrite in my private life


I hereby swear that the information presented on this application is true and correct unless some nosy, freedom-hating reporters prove otherwise.
Sign or make mark: _________________________

13 comments:

blue girl said...

Was aborted but lived

I think you're onto something here, Brando!

LOL to this whole post.

:)

Kelly said...

This is priceless. Can I print it out and send it to my extended family?

Churlita said...

Too perfect, but I think by writing this, you're not only proving that you hate freedom, but you're letting the terrorists win.

Jennifer said...

I'm wiping coffee off of my computer.

Chuckles said...

You found this in the RNC dumpster, didn't you?

Brando said...

Chuckles, I did, that's why it's official.

Jennifer, I am glad you laughed, but that also reminds me that I need to post the legal disclaimer that CJSD Enterprises take no responsibility for damage to computer equipment brought on by blog posts.

Churlita, I am going to open a story called I Hate Freedom. One half will be anti-GOP stuff, the other vintage Chess King fashions purchased off eBay.

Kelly, please share it with anyone you like.

And BG, I may just be on something.

TLB said...

Your quizzes are always my favorite thing evah.

Dr. Zaius said...

Brilliant! Bravo!

Brando said...

Thanks, Dr. Z. I added you today to the roll.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

This is the best post evar, and you've had some good stuff over the years!!

OMG.

Grizzled said...

This is hilarious!

Brando said...

I can't take all the credit -- the GOP does supply the raw material.

True Republican said...

I am a Republican and this is hysterical! Are you capable of making a Democratic equivalent? I mean, seriously, both of these parties need to go.