10) Getting nanny recommendations from Jude Law and Rob Lowe.
9) Finishing off the last of the bourbon.
8) Preemptively packing on 20 pounds and moving hairline back six inches.
7) Simulating baby’s nighttime schedule by squeezing air horn on spouse at 3 am.
6) Playing Dark Side of the Moon while watching ultrasound video.
5) Practicing changing diapers by switching to Depends.
4) Shopping for minivans while reciting eulogy for our lost youth.
3) Giving child a real Christian sleeping arrangement by forgoing crib for pile of hay that smells like myrrh.
2) Trading in Grand Theft Auto for Grand Sharing Elmo.
1) Asking pharmacist if they make an Epidural patch.
I'm betting that you'll be even funnier on sleep deprivation.
ReplyDeletePsychotic, but funny-psychotic. Like Bill Hicks crossed with GG Allin.
17) Realizing everything in the house is either breakable or sharp.
ReplyDelete18. Getting used to AG not hitting on you anymore, but instead asking if your babysitter knows any Jewish doctors.
ReplyDeleteP.S. OT: Fish and BP, could you stop by RoD once and a while?Please. AG will still hit on both of you!!!
I'd probably stick swears into every sentence I uttered, just to get them out before the kid developed language. That, and try and bank days of sleep.
ReplyDelete19) Preemptively scribble on everything you own with something permanent.
ReplyDelete20) See if there's a version of "Wheels on the Bus" for Guitar Hero; if not, try to convince spouse that "Crazy Train" is a kids' song.
Using "buttermilk" scented Febreeze.
ReplyDelete21.) Watching The Exorcist over and over to desensitize yourself to the sight of projectile vomiting.
ReplyDelete17) Not visiting RoD anymore.
ReplyDeleteSee if there's a version of "Wheels on the Bus" for Guitar Hero
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!!
The whammy from the bar goes wah wah wah...
Remember, the first 12 years are a cake walk. When your kids are 14-24 you will simply laugh at young couples when they wuss on about the "terrible twos".
ReplyDeleteLook forward to: high blood pressure, ulcers, hair falling out in clumps, weeks-years of sleeplessness, versions of poverty, binge eating due to nerves, uncontrollable weight gains and yelling at other drivers when you see a child's seat.
When these things occur, and they will, you will sadly learn you are too old to join the Army and your back is too tired for backpacking across America.
Then there's the shame of having young hotties laugh at you when you begin conversations about your favorite music, from back in the day, circa 2008... well, that's what double double martinis are for.
After Bill's uplifting comment, I'll add:
ReplyDeleteStepping in front of a CTA bus to pay for TBD's college.
Pay for college?
ReplyDeleteGet ready to decorate a teens room with about $20,000 worth of “necessities”. And their car will need at least a $5000. sound system - just so they be cool when idling on the school parking lot. Gotta thump and bump. Ya know, good tats ain’t cheap!
Also, start saving for numerous piano-singing-theater-sports type summer camps, several different drug counselors, private grade schools after your kid gets off a public school bus and says how cool it is to be packing heat, buying a new BMW for 16th birthday “cause all the other kids got one” and you’ll need de-programmers after your kid is stolen back from the strange cult who lives in an abandoned drainage ditch.
Then there’s, “Dad, I‘m dropping out of school and me and my boyfriend/girlfriend are going to live in India, can you front me $10,000.” Which might be less expensive than what high school grad night will cost - you know, the standard stuff: The rented limo, the ritz dinner for a dozen good buds, the downtown hotel room for the gang to crash in after the all-nighter, the bail bondsman, the repairs to the hotel room and rented tux, the attorney and the numerous public apologies necessary for probation instead of jail time.
Billy Pilgrim, I saw that! You are just trying to get banned. Well AG is not going to ban you. Oh noes. No way. Uh-huh.
ReplyDelete29) Reading RoD and remembering the good ole days when you could meet random strangers at bars and make-out.
Soon enough, you'll worry AG is one of the random strangers TBD is making out with!
Honestly, as long as TBD comes out healthy, I'm not really concerned with who he/she makes out with, as long as it is consensual.
ReplyDelete"Our chief concern is that TBD come out healthy...and that s/he have only consensual relations -- our TWO concerns are good health and consensual relations...and an almost fanatical devotion to strained peas -- AMONGST our concerns..."
ReplyDeleteNice. Can you turn the kid Jewish too?!!
ReplyDeleteAnd where is that # for your high school doctor buddy or the MASH crew?!!
Brando and TLB, When Blue Kid was about two, we were at the pool one day. And this old guy near the concession stand said to me as we past by:
ReplyDelete"For the first two years all you teach them how to do is walk and talk. And then for the rest of their lives, all you are telling them to do is sit down and shut up!"
I got a huge kick out of that. So true!
LOL, BG. That was a good one.
ReplyDelete11) Getting ready to be completely surprised by how much fun it is.
ReplyDeleteIVXXX) Agree with Snag. There's no greater joy. Ever!
ReplyDeleteGetting some sort of beeper system for the remote because this is the last days that it will be where you left it.
ReplyDeleteFurniture suites made entirely of Nerf.
ReplyDelete