Special expanded Eat it, Fodors edition!
Travel and Leisure magazine recently ranked the attractiveness of 25 American cities. What did the magazine find most unattractive about each city?
Atlanta: No matter how hard you squint, you can’t forget you are in Georgia.
Austin: Citizens unable to mate without singing Texas fight song.
Boston: Accent makes pillow talk sound like orders from a dock foreman.
Charleston: Can still smell the burning rubber from General Sherman’s treadmarks.
Chicago: Four words—mustaches and zubaz pants.
Dallas: Sexual partners always call out "Romo" (male and female)
Denver: Overuse of pickup line, “In Denver, you’re already in the mile high club!”
D.C.: High probability of having blood drained by member of the Vice President’s office.
Honolulu: Can’t erase image of tarantula crawling on Peter Brady.
Las Vegas: Seemingly large number of eligible men is actually just Danny Gans impersonating different guys.
Los Angeles: Most citizens now contain only 53% organic matter.
Miami: Airport call letters are STD.
Minneapolis: High horny-Republican-to-restroom ratio.
Nashville: Ten gallon hats conceal secret rib stash.
New Orleans: #1 recreational activity is gunplay.
New York: Prevalence of attractive footwear offset by prevalence of public urination.
Orlando: Inordinate number of furries.
Philly: Standard greeting is a shiv to the kidneys.
Phoenix: Hot date consists of an early bird special and shopping for Depends thongs.
Portland: 90% chance of getting carjacked by a Trailblazer.
San Antonio: Tallest downtown building shorter than average bang height.
San Diego: Two words—fish tacos.
San Francisco: Total eclipse of the Sun every time Barry Bonds’s head is in town.
Santa Fe: Conversations never move past, “So what do you want to do?”
Seattle: Frequent rains still fail to wash away the bad taste of grunge.
"Tallest downtown building shorter than average bang height."
ReplyDeleteLittle did Frank Lloyd Wright know that his use of reinforced concrete would one day be used in the world of bangs. The cantilevered bang... popular in the 80's, but still going strong in San An.
Also...thanks for making me remember Peter Brady and the tarantula... I'm now trying to remember which boy Vincent Price was after.
Barry Bonds head? Yeah, it's a little big these days. My buddy calls him and Moises Alou the living bobbleheads. I think that's a little much...but you be the judge!
ReplyDeleteI'm now trying to remember which boy Vincent Price was after.
ReplyDeleteWhat were you watching, the Spice Channel version of the Bradys?
It's all subtext, Snag! The Brady Bunch was running on a seething undercurrent of sex!!!
ReplyDeleteSince when is Minnesota a city?
ReplyDeleteMilwaukee: The daily beer-and-cheese enemas.
ReplyDelete"Leaving lepidoptera...Please, don't touch the display,
little boy, aha cute! Moving to the next aisle we have
arachnida, the spiders, our...finest collection.
This friendly little devil is the heptothilidi,
unfortunately harmless. Next to him, the nasty licosa
raptoria, his tiny fangs cause creeping ulcerations of
the skin (laugh). And here, my prize, the Black
Widow. Isn't she lovely?...And so deadly. Her kiss is
fifteen times as poisonous as that of the rattlesnake.
You see her venom is highly neurotoxic, which is to say
that it attacks the central nervous system causing
intense pain, profuse sweating, difficulty in
breathing, loss of consciousness, violent convulsions
and, finally...Death. You know what I think I love the
most about her is her inborn need to dominate,
possess. In fact, immediately after the consummation
of her marriage to the smaller and weaker male of the
species she kills and eats him...(laugh) oh, she is
delicious...And I hope he was! Such power and dignity
...unhampered by sentiment. If I may put forward a
slice of personal philosophy, I feel that man has ruled
this world as a stumbling dimented child-king long
enough! And as his empire crumbles, my precious Black
Widow shall rise as his most fitting successor!"
Leave it to BP to come storming in as fact-checker!:) Brando, I hope all of your i's are dotted and your t's are crossed.
ReplyDeleteDC: High probability of being caught on candid camera by bored police officers operating the closed circuit cameras.
ReplyDeleteDC: High probability of brain damage from hurled bricks.
DC: High probability of encountering unskilled, uneducated dumbasses who earn more money than you could with a decade of experience in their field.
Las Vegas: Seemingly large number of eligible men is actually just Danny Gans impersonating different guys.
ReplyDeleteAwesome. You can never have too much Danny Gans in this blog.
Jennifer, I don't think it's being a nitpicker to point out that a State, one of fifty, is not the same thing as a City!
ReplyDeleteWe can't all be Republican Presidents.
I'm glad I didn't point out that Frank Lloyd wright was more of a pioneer in the use of cantilevered wood and steel than in concrete....
Poughkeepsie: All the fun stops after you've spelled it out.
ReplyDeletePoughkeepsie: Order your fried chicken from the man behind the bullet-proof glass
Poughkeepsie: Putting our industrial stamp on the beauty of mother nature.
(I love it here, btw)
Iowa city - Be careful what you do here, as you may just read about it later in a story or non-fiction piece in the NY Times.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, I don't think it's being a nitpicker to point out that a State, one of fifty, is not the same thing as a City!
ReplyDeleteTo try another approach: I don't think the fine people of Duluth, St. Cloud, or Mankato would appreciate being associated with Minneapolis at this age of The Senator Doth Protest Too Much.
My best friend from college spent a night in a Charleston jail. He was pulled over (with his Massachusetts plates) for speeding, and the cop said "What's the hurry Yankee?" He replied: "I was just feeling like General Sherman today."
ReplyDeleteHilarious - you've left nothing unsaid.
ReplyDeleteI should also add:
ReplyDeleteMarquette, MI: Abundance of wild beaver not nearly as hot as it sounds.
Brando, you linked to the wrong Romo video.
ReplyDeleteBP is so mean! :(
ReplyDeleteYou know, it took me two whole days to figure out the typo that Billy pointed out. I am a moran.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't watch out, he'll start editing your dreams.
ReplyDeleteOakland: drive-by shootings never seem to take out the drivers talking on their cell phones.
ReplyDeleteChurlita's is the best, IMHO.
didnt they (or someone) pick philadelphia as the worst city to visit?
ReplyDeleteat least here all we have is people peeing in the street...