Rummy in Retirement

6:17 a.m. Wake up from a hot dream involving Lynnie Englund, nipple clamps, a Sears Die Hard battery, and a Super Soaker.

6:18 a.m. Change shorts.

7:02 a.m. Down Irish coffee and Percocet

7:30 a.m. Take call from New York Times about resignation letter surfacing.

7:34 a.m. Deny writing resignation letter.

7:35 a.m. Deny having ever served as Secretary of Defense.

8:33 a.m. Call cable customer service about a mistake on the bill.

8:34 a.m. Assure "Dave" that pay-per-view order of Back Door Nurses 7, 8, and 9 was a mistake.

8:35 a.m. Explain to Dave that it pretty goddamned easy to keep making the same mistake over and over again.

8:43 a.m. Call NSA to get transcripts on Dave.

8:51 a.m. Call Dave and read pages 2, 3, and 12.

8:52 a.m. Thank Dave for removing the charge.

8:53 a.m. Order pay-per-view of Boobies of Mass D-Cuption 4.

9:57 a.m. Confirm next week’s hunting trip with Vice President Cheney.

10: 11 a.m. Fetch quarry for hunt by setting out food over Drifter Pits near railroad tracks.

10:30 a.m. Work on memoir chapter, “I Was Right on Iraq.”

11:30 a.m. Check CNN to see if right on Iraq yet.

11:33 a.m. Smash television.

11:55 a.m. Head out for outdoor cookout to welcome Rove into the Bush Whacked Club.

12: 13 p.m. Stop man for directions to nearest grocery store.

12: 14 p.m. Refuse to believe he doesn’t know where nearest grocery store is.

12:58 p.m. Finally believe he doesn’t know after he loses consciousness. Close car trunk.

1:07 p.m. Drop man off near county hospital. Leave message on his forehead that reads, “Die, honky! -- Sincerely, Nation of Islam.”

1:11: p.m. Down Mountain Dew and Percocet.

1:15 p.m. Argue with grocery store clerk that he did in fact receive a $20 bill. Inquire as to his registration status with selective service.

1:17 p.m. Pocket change from a $20 bill and original $20 bill.

1:29 p.m. Apologize to Bush Whacked Club for being late. Act surprised when they point to blood on shirt. Recite deer cover story.

1:31 p.m. Insist that one package of wieners should be more than enough to pacify the hunger of three dozen people.

1:40 p.m. Put Rove into headlock until he agrees that he’s not hungry any more.

3:45 p.m. On the way home, stop at Department of Defense. Remember not to wear DoD letterman jacket this time.

3: 49 p.m. Burst into Robert Gates’s office and suggest another hiding spot for Iraqi WMD: Barack Obama's backyard.

3:50 p.m. Awkward silence.

3:57 p.m. Down Percocet and Percocet.

6:34 p.m. Wake up on doorstep again. Curse self for still wearing DoD letterman jacket.

7:00 p.m. Check TV about being right about Iraq.

7:01 p.m. Wonder how television got smashed in.

7:20 p.m. Return TV to Best Buy. Argue with clerk that the television has been broken since it was delivered four years ago, but have been too busy to return it.

7:30 p.m. Drive home with new television.

8:03 p.m. Notice still not right about Iraq.

8:12 p.m. Begin new chapter of memoir, “Why Being Right About Iraq Is Overrated.”

11:35 p.m. Grab G.I. Joe doll and head to bed.

11:57 p.m. See faces of thousands of soldiers asking why they were sacrificed for an enormous lie.

11:59 p.m. Down warm milk and Percocet.