Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I think your blog would be better if you posted pictures of cats with amusing captions

Courtesy of the new camera from my parents, which is supposed to be used for pictures of their granddaughter.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we improving toy safety?

Special extra precautions edition!

11) Choking-hazard parts can no longer be covered in delicious candy-coated shell.

10) Discontinuing production of the Venus Fly Crib.

9) Enacting constitutional amendment forbidding the marrying of two Ken dolls.

8) Testers must scatter toys on shag carpeting and walk barefoot across them in the dark, then check for lacerations and tetanus.

7) Replacing all lead in toys with corn-based ethanol.

6) Game of Operation requires proof of health insurance before purchase.

5) Chinese-made rubber duckies can no longer be made out of leftover General Tso’s Chicken.

4) Fisher Price’s My First Meth Lab must include number for addiction recovery hotline.

3) Only allowing production of toys mentioned in the Bible.

2) Installing foam locks on all Nerf guns.

1) Telling children they can no longer take any toys out of the packaging.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I'm back

Tickle survived his wedding. More importantly, Tickle's marriage survived his wedding. Post detailing the random hilarity will come soon. I will deflate expectations proactively by saying it was not Vegas-trip crazy. But then again, if it had been, none of us would have returned with our wives.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

On the road to Tickle's wedding

I couldn't get to a Top 10 yesterday because my awake brain cells were limited by a certain little girl who wanted to party all night. Thankfull she didn't repeat the performance.

We're also heading out today to go to my brother Tickle's wedding. The day of reckoning is at hand. Nearly all of the cast from the various Vegas trips will be there, so it's possible this will outdo the weddings from Old School and Wedding Crashers. Hopefully there won't be any divorces come Monday monrning.

I'm hoping to do some blogging later, but I can't promise anything since my brain cells are no longer under my control.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Mobil H

A DRIVER guides his Hummer down the street. He passes gas station after gas station and sees the prices: $4.19, $4.39, $4.59. He shakes his head.

The high price of gas has hit all of us hard. Rising prices not only cost us money, they cost us peace of mind.

The Driver sees the green Mobil sign showing “Mobil H - $15.99.” He smiles widely.

That’s why Mobil is doing something to bring you the relief you need.

“Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop starts playing.

The Driver jerks the wheel and cuts across two lanes of traffic, drives over a curb, and hits a trash can before stopping in front of the pump. He jumps out and grabs the pump, which has a rubber hose and a needle dangling from it. The Driver wraps the hose around his upper arm, holding one end in his teeth, and guides the needle into his forearm. His face sweats and his hands shake as he guides the nozzle into the tank and starts pumping gas.

Introducing Mobil H, the first gasoline that gives you something back.

The Driver pulls the rubber hose loose and smiles, falling back into the side of his SUV.

With each gallon of gas that flows into your tank, sweet relief flows into your veins.

On the gas pump, the price keeps going up, going to $100, $200, $300, and $400.

And with the more you pump....

The driver gives the pump a few squeezes as he tops off the tank, tenses and releases with orgasmic pleasure, until the price reaches $500.

The better you’ll feel.

The Driver gets back in his car, driving with half-closed eyes as he nearly hits a dog, a bicyclist, and some kids crossing the street.

High gas prices may never go away...

The music stops as The Driver pulls into his garage, next to another car. He puts it in park and stays in his seat for a second.

But we don’t want that to keep you from coming back.

“Lust for Life” plays again as The Driver gets out of his SUV and into his other SUV, peeling out in reverse, flipping the front onto the street, and flooring it back toward the Mobil station.

Mobil H. Available in regular, premium, and madman.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

It's like a geek threesome

Stephen Colbert, Canadian super-prog group Rush, and my inner geek, all together.

I'm sending this out to Billy Pilgrim, who is having a rough time of it. Music and laughter may not solve your problems, but they at least ease the pain. One of the interview questions in particular made me laugh hysterically:

Have you ever written a song so epic that by the end of the song you were actually being influenced by yourself in the beginning of the song?

Also, instead of Colbert's theme song, they played Rush's "Limelight" over the opening credits, which explains the start of the following segment...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we trying to stimulate the economy?

10) Putting our stocks in bond-age.

9) Drilling everything we can until we're lubed with cheap oil.

8) Trimming interest rates to make our borrowing power look bigger.

7) Sticking a large rescue package into the biggest Fannie.

6) Keeping inflation slow and steady so rising prices don’t shoot up too quickly.

5) Getting the dollar to change from a bottom back to a top.

4) Selling Hummers.

3) Shaving costs until we can see the bottom line.

2) Merging our assets together in the Mile High Club.

1) Trying to keep our rosy Bush from getting covered with massive amounts of Bernanke.

Friday, July 11, 2008

He's not dead, he just restin'

Sorry for the lack of updates and also being absent from other blogs the last couple of weeks. I started back at work on Monday and have had my hands full with catching up, then spending my evenings with my lovely daughter. I do have some new post ideas kicking around and hope I can have a little time to put them up this weekend.

Libby is doing great, eating like crazy and growing and looking at the ceiling fan like it's the coolest Pink Floyd laser show ever. The Lovely Becky is tired but hanging in there. There are certainly days when she feels like a human feedbag, but she nevertheless feels like a very lucky human feedbag.

One anecdote: We took Libby down to the local harbor on Fourth of July. She wore a cute little American flag dress that my aunt and uncle sent. Of course, there was red, white and blue up the ying-yang, including one boat that I swear had at least a dozen flags or flag-ish items on it. How did my daughter react to all this rah-rah patriotism?

She pooped herself.

That's my little girl!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: What alternative energy resources are we considering?

10) Heating homes with hot air of Fox News pundits.

9) Steam engines powered by burning piles of cash from A-Rod’s divorce settlement.

8) Fusion reaction triggered every time Bush says “nookular”.

7) Taco Bell-based propane.

6) Kinetic energy captured from masturbating virginity pledgers.

5) Hunting Jonah Goldberg for his oil-rich blubber.

4) Hyrdroelectric waterboarding.

3) External suicide bomber combustion engines.

2) Combustible sludge produced by decomposing Will Ferrell movies.

1) Machines powered by perpetual flip-flops.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: What covert operations are we using to destabilize Iran?

10) Replacing Iran’s yellowcake uranium with Sara Lee pound cake until their nukes explode with flavor.

9) Sponsoring new reality show, So You Think You Can Overthrow the Iranian Government?

8) Smuggling in Chuck Norris’s beard under a burka so it can take out the entire Iraninan government with one whisker.

7) Disgracing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by digitally inserting him into famous pictures from Israeli history.

6) Shipping in bacon cheesburgers, Krispy Kremes, and PlayStations until Iranians are too fat and sluggish to promote terror.

5) Sticking bananas into the tailpipes of their tanks.

4) Hiring Fidel Castro to consult on how to assassinate heads of state.

3) Jamming all Tehran broadcast transmissions with Mind of Mencia reruns until Iran nukes itself.

2) Designing a transportation infrastructure completely dependent on fossil fuels and totally ignorant of fuel economy, until Iran has no choice but to expend all its time and energy invading countries for their oil!

1) Getting the Iranian Supreme Court to make George W. Bush the next Iranian president.