Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Pin Me, Father

You can take the boy out of Church but you can't take the Church out of the boy. Happy Lenten resolution breaking!


PIN ME, FATHER

Inside a confessional, KYLE McCALLAHAN kneels. FATHER JAMES BLACK sits behind the screen on the other side.

KYLE
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

FATHER BLACK
How long has it been since your last confession, my son?

KYLE
I can't remember. . . years. I've been away from the Church for quite some time.

FATHER BLACK
I see. Well, as the father welcomed back the prodigal son, so your heavenly father welcomes you back. What would you like to confess?

KYLE
I've been cheating on my wife.

FATHER BLACK
Adultery is a serious sin, my son. Does your wife know?

KYLE
No, but I have broken off the affair. I can't tell her—it would crush her. That's why I'm here—to seek forgiveness and to try a fresh start with my marriage. With God's help, of course.

FATHER BLACK
The Lord forgives all who truly seek it. But you must do serious penance for your sins.

KYLE
Absolutely! I'll say the "Our Father" and the "Hail Mary" until my voice is hoarse!

Father Black stands up and walks out of his side of the confessional.

FATHER BLACK
I'm afraid it won't be that easy.

Father Black reaches into the confessional and yanks Kyle out by the collar. His voice rumbles through the darkened church.

FATHER BLACK
You prostrating puke! You break one of the Ten Commandments, one of the laws Moses himself delivered from God, and you think you can just pray for forgiveness?

KYLE
B-b-but I thought—when I was a boy, they just made us say a few prayers—

FATHER BLACK
Silence! Prayers are for sissy priests who forgive sissy sins. You're in my world now, you worthless Philistine. Your little Bathsheba episode has earned you a trip to the Ring of Redemption!

Father Black raises his one free hand up to heaven. A secret door opens and he steps into a hidden chamber that holds a wrestling ring. A set of bleachers sits next to it, filled with a dozen priests and nuns, cheering with bloodlust.

Father Black grabs Kyle and hurls him under one of the ropes into the ring. Father Black rips at his shirt and pants. The tear apart, revealing black wrestling tights with a cross and the words
Jesus Saves on the front and But I Kick Ass! on the back. He still wears the priest's collar around his neck. He jumps into the ring.

An altar boy steps into the ring to act as a referee. He carries and incense burner and waves it over the two men as he speaks.


ALTAR BOY
All right, I want a good clean penance. No spittin' of holy water or stanglin' with rosary beads. Redemption is decided on a three-count pin to the mat. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, go!

The sound of CHURCH BELLS announces the start of the match. Kyle tries to run away and slip under the ropes, but Father Black grabs him by the hair and pulls him back.

FATHER BLACK
First, we need to clear your mind of all impure thoughts!

Father Black pulls Kyle's head back and thrusts him, head-first, into one of the turnbuckles in the corner. Kyle stands up, wobbling from the blow.

FATHER BLACK
Jesus said if your hand is your problem, cut it off and cast it into fire.

Father Black grabs Kyle whips him into the ropes. Kyle bounces off one set of ropes and is thrown all the way across the ring, where he bounces into the ropes again and rebounds.

FATHER BLACK
So we cut the problem off at the source!

Father Black stops Kyle's progress with a big black boot to the groin. Kyle groans in agony and slumps to the mat.

Father Black struts around the ring, flexing his muscles. The crowd goes nuts. He points to one NUN in the front row. She comes forward. Father Black tags her and she enters the ring. The altar boy tries to stop her from making an illegal entry, but she scowls and he backs off.

The nun drags Kyle by his ear to one side of the ring. She wraps his hands in the top rope. The nun reaches inside her habit and pulls out a wicked metal ruler. She raises it slowly, the crowd cheering as she does so. The ruler comes down on Kyle's bound left hand with a loud SLAP. He lets out his worst cry of the night.


KYLE
Please, sister! Anything but that!

The nun repeats the blow on the other hand. Kyle yelps. She tags Father Black and exits the ring.

Father Black untangles Kyle from the ropes and moves him to the center of the ring. He lays Kyle out so that his arms and legs are outstretched as if on a cross. The priest goes to the corner and climbs on the top rope.


FATHER BLACK
Jesus was crucified for your sins, but you're not getting off that easy.

He leaps off the top rope. At the last moment, Kyle rolls over. Father Black crashes to the floor, writhing in agony. Kyle picks the priest up and flings him into the ropes. On the rebound, Kyle pops him in the face. Father Black stands holding one cheek.

KYLE
Now for the other one.

Again, Kyle hurls the priest into the ropes. On the rebound, Kyle clotheslines him right in the neck. Father Black crumples.

Kyle goes to the altar boy and grabs his incense burner. He swings it by the long chain toward Father Black, but the priest moves at the last minute. The heavy burner drags Kyle off-balance. Father Black grabs him and picks him up over his head as Kyle drops the incense.


FATHER BLACK
You should have been pinned when you had the chance, my son. Because now you're excommunicated!

With that, Father Black hurls Kyle outside of the ring. The church bells chime to signal the end of the match. The crowd cheers. Father holds his hands up in triumph. He gestures to the altar boy.

FATHER BLACK
It's almost time for 5:30 mass. Make sure you detain anyone who comes in late.

The altar boy picks up the incense burner as they exit the ring.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we giving up for Lent?

10) Hope for stable democracy in Iraq

9) Masturbating (more than 12 times a day)

8) Reviewing port deals before approving them

7) Eating candy (off of hookers)

6) Reproductive rights for women (for good)

5) Shooting old men in the face (women and children are still fair game)

4) Mandatory detention of the swarthy

3) Creating even more Brokeback Mountain parodies (if there is a God)

2) Looking at our approval ratings

1) Catholicism

"Fuck you for not being funny"

I have a new mantra.

Michael Schaub at Bookslut hurls that epithet at the always-deserving Regan Books, which is apparently going to publish some sort of parody of James Frey's non-nonfiction called. . . A Million Little Lies. The main character is James Pinocchio. 'cause Pinocchio lies. Are you ready to laugh?

(Double kudos to Schaub for a William Taft reference.)

I am not normally one for sour grapes. While I'm toiling away on a comic novel* that I hope to sell one day, I don't write this blog for profit, I write it for fun. I am grateful that people have been enjoying it and coming back to read it. This is going to sound completely out of character, but in all seriousness, it's rewarding for me to think of people out there (those I know and those I don't) coming to this little hole-in-the-wall for a good throaty chuckle. I sincerely thank you for stopping by.

But if Judith Regan was going to offer someone a wheelbarrow full of money for a Frey parody, I would have glady auditioned for the gig and, I humbly submit, kicked Pinocchio's face in.

*Yeah, I know, a blogger writing a comic novel, where have I heard that before?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Classroom Bias for Dummies

A Reference for the Left of Us!

All across America, innocent, pure, intellectually hungry college students are being warped by radical liberal professors. Selfless conservative heroes of academic freedom such as David Horowitz and Andrew Jones have attempted to alert America to this Red Cap-and-Gown Menace, but have been thwarted by the Axis of Evidence: the alliance of academia, media, and morality that demand proof when making accusations.

But now you can quiet any and every effete humanities professor and eco-terrorizing science researcher. This handy guide will help you identify if your professor is a fine fellow, or a fellow traveler.

Each of the paired statements below will compare liberal classroom bias to fair and balanced instruction.


Characteristics of your professor

Smells like Phish—Biased
Smells like old money—Not Biased

Looks like Stevie NicksBiased
Looks like Steve ForbesNot Biased

Drives a Volvo—Biased
Drives a Hummer—Not Biased

Favors peasant dresses—Biased
Favors dresses made by peasants—Not Biased

Wears Birkenstocks—Biased
Owns Nike stocks—Not Biased

Teaching style

Citation format: Author, title, place of publication, publisher, year of publication—Biased
Citation format: Book, chapter, verse—Not Biased

Allows students to speak freely—Biased
Allows students to speak about freely about how freedom isn't free—Not Biased

Requires students to raise hands to ask questions—Biased
Requires students to raise hands to hail the professor—Not Biased

American History

“Deep Throat” seriously damaged Nixon’s popularity—Biased
A deep throat didn’t damage Clinton’s popularity enough—Not Biased

The U.S lost Vietnam because it supported corrupt regimes in South Vietnam and failed to win the support of the Vietnamese people—Biased
The U.S lost Vietnam because pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to your goddamned Beatles albums!Not Biased

The interning of the Japanese was one of the greatest travesties to American civil liberties—Biased
The interning of the Japanese was like a big, fun trip to camp (that just happened to be mandatory)!—Not Biased

Joseph McCarthy’s wild accusations and lack of evidence eventually led to his disgrace—Biased
It’s a disgrace that Tailgunner Joe doesn’t have his own national holidayNot Biased

World History

There are two sides to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict—Biased
A Palestinian state will interfere with The Rapture—Not Biased

Homosexuality was commonly accepted among Greek warriors—Biased
Talking about the lengthy javelins of Greek warriors gives me woodNot Biased

Africa and Latin America have been decimated by imperialism—Biased
Why are we wasting time on Africa and Latin America? Let’s get back to those Greek warriors and their big javelins—Not Biased

Political Science

The system of checks and balances prevents the Executive Branch from assuming too much power—Biased
The system of checks and balances keeps the President from doing God’s will—Not Biased

The Bill of Rights protects our freedoms—Biased
The Bill of Rights gets in the way of freedom—Not biased

There is a wall separating Church and State—Biased
The State should build walls for new Churches—Not Biased

Law

Habeas corpusBiased
Torturous maximusNot Biased

Citizens have a right to privacy—Biased
The government has a right to know what citizens are doing in private—Not Biased

Economics

Outsourcing leads to layoffs—Biased
Outsourcing leads to stock options—Not Biased

Tax cuts can produce huge deficits—Biased
Tax cuts can produce huge surpluses...in my portfolio—Not Biased

Literary studies

Literature can teach us much about the how we interact with our fellow men and women—Biased
Literature can teach us much about how college kids are boinking like heathensNot Biased

Great novelists: Steinbeck, Faulkner, Morisson, Woolf, Ellison—Biased
Great novelists: Rand, Clancy, Gingrich, O’Reilly, and more Rand—Not Biased

Women’s Studies

Required reading: Friedan, Steinem, Woolf, Faludi, de Beauvoir—Biased
Required reading: Schaffley, Coulter, O’Beirne, Dr. Laura, Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians —Not Biased

Studying women’s contributions to history and culture—Biased
Studying women’s contributions to housekeeping and dinner—Not Biased

Religious Studies

Studying the Bible in the context of other religious texts—Biased
Studying the Bible—Not Biased

African-American Studies

Studying African Americans—Biased
Profiling African Americans—Not Biased

Queer Theory

The study of gay, lesbian, and transgender history and culture—Biased
Another name for Darwinism—Not Biased

Science

We have observed changes throughout the fossil record that suggest evolution—Biased
We have observed everything we need to know in the Book of Genesis—Not Biased

Stem cells could be the key to destroying diseases and infirmities—Biased
Stem cells could be the key to destroying Roe v. WadeNot Biased

Your paper supporting the President’s science policies gets a bad grade because it lacks originality and was not properly researched—Biased
Your paper supporting the President’s science policies was forwarded to the NASA human resources departmentNot Biased


Remember, the great American higher education system was founded on the principle of presenting both sides of an argument. You owe it to your students to give them the truth, and not to let your personal beliefs influence your instruction.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are our alternative energy alternatives?

Special expanded pie-in-the-sky edition!

President Bush has been promoting his plans to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. What are some of his suggested energy alternatives?

13) Using teams of welfare mothers to pull SUVs.

12) Heating homes by burning books.

11) Reducing energy used for commuting by outsourcing more jobs overseas.

10) Supplementing No Child Left Behind with a new act, Every Child Must Run on Electricity-Generating Treadmills.

9) Building new water-powered generators before letting New Orleans flood again.

8) Researching ways to recycle oil company profits back into oil.

7) Combining unused Ferris wheels, electric generators, and genetically engineered giant hamsters.

6) Powering steam turbines with large-scale tire fires.

5) Maximizing power gained from solar energy by completely removing the ozone layer.

4) Cutting down every tree in America for kindling.

3) Creating a hybrid car that runs on Red Bull and vodka.

2) Tapping into the energy that conservatives expend fighting alternative energy proposals.

1) Harnessing the power of positive thinking.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Cheney Devours Puppy

Vice President says he mistook puppy for pig-in-a-blanket; accusations of prior cute animal consumption surface


Accusers say Cheney would sometimes eat pets right behind the backs of their owners, often blaming "coyotes" or "illegal Mexicans" for their disappearances.

WASHINGTON, DC - With the White House still buzzing from Vice President Cheney’s accidental shooting of a fellow hunter, a new scandal emerged today as Mr. Cheney was accused of eating a live puppy.

The incident happened on a "puppy farm," a facility where puppies are born and prepared to be sold. Mr. Cheney has been known to take wealthy GOP donors to these farms and offer them their "pick of the litter" as a reward for their campaign contributions.

At approximately lunchtime yesterday, Mr. Cheney and Melvin K. Whipplethorp, a Texas oilman and Bush/Cheney campaign donor, were visiting the Perfect Pooch Puppy Farm. Mr. Cheney had offered Mr. Whipplethorp a puppy as a sign of his gratitude.

While eating lunch at the farm, the Vice President ingested the floppy-eared, doe-eyed, pokey little black-and-white puppy that Mr. Whipplethorp had picked out.

Mr. Whipplethorp, while rumored to be "traumatized" by the event, could not be reached for comment. The Vice President’s office only released a terse statement. "The Vice President and his guest were having a lunch of pigs-in-a-blanket when the Vice President accidentally consumed a dog. He sincerely regrets the incident but is adamant that it was a mistake."

Wes Minster, owner of the farm, backs up the Vice President’s claim. "The Vice President’s been coming here for years, and I have never seen him eat one of my dogs. He’s lost a few, sure, but he’s always paid for them right away, almost three times what they’re worth."

Confusion also prevailed when Mr. Cheney failed to inform the media or the White House about the incident. At a press conference, when asked if the Vice President had "eaten a dog," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan joked. "Probably. He eats them all the time, especially at the ballpark. Just don’t ask him to pass the Grey Poupon."

When reporters expressed surprise at the response and offered more details, Mr. McClellan replied, "Wait, he ate a puppy? A (expletive) puppy? Jesus (expletive) Christ, that’s it, I’m (expletive) through." He left the press conference without answering further questions.

Culinary experts also dispute that the Vice President could mistake a pig-in-a-blanket—a hot dog or sausage wrapped in dough and usually served at Midwestern functions—for a live puppy. "For one thing, the puppy would be considerably furrier," said Dr. Carolyn Terrier, the Appleby Bennigan Chair at Cornell University's Department of Yumminetrics. "And, while I can’t prove this, I would assume the animal probably moved and/or yelped when the Vice President bit into it. That would be a dead giveaway."

Furthermore, additional accusations of the Vice President feasting on cute live animals have begun to surface. One former servant at Camp David, speaking anonymously for fear of being accidentally shot, said the Vice President began many mornings with a breakfast of "Hamsters Benedict."

Another accuser, who wished to be identified only as "Mary C.," said she had once seen the Vice President eat a litter of kittens. "He put them in a sack, and I thought he was going to drown them, which was bad enough. But then he put some onions on them and scarfed them like White Castles. It was my worst birthday ever."

Filmmaker Michael Moore has also been investigating accusations such as these for his new documentary, Hang Gliding for Hasenpfeffer. The film opens with a montage juxtaposing the Vice President licking his lips with the rabbit scene from Fatal Attraction. "I think it really hurts our image abroad if members of the Executive Branch are snacking on adorable animals," said Mr. Moore. "Even the Koreans are appalled."

The Vice President dismissed the accusations as "rabid nonsense," just before departing for the National Zoo to see the newest baby panda up close.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Guns Don't Hurt People, Evil Vice Presidents Hurt People

With the recent hunting accident involving Vice President Cheney, many will immediately blame the 28-guage shotgun the Vice President fired into the upper body of Harry Whittington. They will talk about the need for gun safety and the needlessness of hunting. They will attempt to make that poor, defenseless shotgun into a loaded scapegoat, when the real target of blame should be evil vice presidents.

That shotgun didn’t fire itself. It was simply minding it’s own business, enjoying the fresh Texas air, when an evil vice president seized its defenseless trigger and fired its innocent bullets into the flesh of a bystander. Without an evil vice president around, Whittington wouldn’t have been shot.

The issue extends well beyond one isolated incident. Consider the Iraq War. One may argue that guns are hurting our troops in Iraq. But guns didn’t start the war. Guns didn’t fail to provide enough armor to stop bullets and shrapnel. Guns didn’t let contractors eat up the money for body and vehicle armor like pigs in a trough. Guess who did?

Guns didn’t fire a "go fuck yourself" at Senator Patrick Leahy. Guns didn’t shoot through Valerie Plame’s CIA cover. And guns don’t hurt and frighten children nearly as much as evil vice presidents.

It’s a pattern that has repeated itself throughout our recent history. Did guns do any of the following:

Look down the barrel and you'll see the answer points to the vice presidential seal.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What did we get for Valentine's Day?

10) A “Lewinsky” from Laura

9) Surveillance video from wife's lawyer

8) A free first minute from the 1-900 number

7) Burning sensation

6) The usual 30 seconds of wiggling

5) A hell of a surprise on the all-guys fishing trip

4) Lock of ex-boyfriend’s hair to complete voodoo doll

3) Chance to say “I love you” before leather mask was zipped back up

2) Buckshot facial from a giant Dick

1) Nothing, and thanks for reminding us, asshole

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Low Self-Esteem Olympics

Three contestants stand on a stage, moping and looking pathetic: ARIEL, a Goth-looking girl with Black hair; NIXON, a nerdish teenager; and BELINDA, a slightly overweight woman. BOB COSTAS stands to the side, broadcasting the event. Near the contestants stands JANEANE GARAFOLO, mic in hand.

COSTAS
Good evening and welcome to the final round of the Low Self-Esteem Olympics here on NBC. I’m Bob Costas. It’s been an exciting competition, and we’re just three events away from finding out which one of these contestants has the self-revulsion they need to win the gold.

I’m joined by our guest sideline reporter, a person who has turned her own raging fire of inner hatred into comedy gold, Janeane Garafolo. Janeane, can you hear me?

JANEANE (sarcastic)
Yes, Bob, while I may be fat and undesirable by most men, my hearing is excellent.

COSTAS
Janeane, what’s the mood of our three finalists?

JANEANE
Bob, why don’t we get the word straight from the dead horses’ mouths.

She moves toward Belinda.

JANEANE
We have Belinda Moose, from Helena, South Dakota. Belinda, why do you think you’ve made it this far in such an incredibly competitive field?

BELINDA (whimpering)
I don’t know! Everybody else was so much better than me, and now I’m in the finals, and, oh God, I just hope I don’t screw it up!

JANEANE
Over here, looking at his shoes, is Nixon Dix from Seattle, Washington. Nixon, you beat out four-time champion Herbert "Man Tits" Heffer to get to the finals. How do you feel?

NIXON (bitter)
I am in hell every day of my miserable life! Maybe I’d feel better if turned my inner pain into cute little nuggets of comedy pablum the masses could easily digest!

JANEANE (fake laughter)
Oh, how precious, someone uses their word-a-day calendar. (Pauses) Last, and possibly least, is Ariel Vanderhoffen from Daytona, Florida. How do you motivate yourself, Ariel?

ARIEL (in a tired, wispy voice)
Please kill me.

JANEANE
Back to you, Bob.

COSTAS
Thank you, Janeane. Our first event is "Look into the Mirror." Each contestant will look into the mirror and describe the thing they dislike about themselves the most. First up, Belinda Moose.

Belinda steps up to the mirror.

BELINDA
Christ, I am such a cow! Could I be any fatter? What would Joey want with these gargantuan, fat-stuffed ass cheeks!

She bawls as she steps away.

JANEANE (low voice)
Bob, that "could I be any fatter" gambit was so unoriginal, I should have received royalties for it.

Nixon steps up next. He unzips his zipper and pulls it open.

NIXON (screaming at the sky)
You call this a penis, God? Who’s going to have sex with this, this, this toadstool? I’m going to die a virgin, right?

Nixon steps away.

JANEANE (pained and in a low voice)
Oooh, a serious mistake by Nixon there. That’s more divine accusation than pure self-loathing, and I'm sure he's going to get penalized by the Israeli judge for that.

COSTAS
Yes, that’s certainly going to cost him points. Although, being the size of a lawn gnome myself, I feel his pain. Here comes Ariel Vanderhoffen.

Ariel looks into the mirror.

ARIEL (screaming)
I hate you!!!!

JANEANE
Oh, what a brilliant move by young Ariel. It was as short and brutal as my time on Saturday Night Live.

COSTAS
Here come the scores...yes, it's unanimous, Ariel Vanderhoffen wins. She’s two away from the gold.

Belinda weeps. Nixon is defiant.

NIXON
This thing is rigged!

COSTAS
Next up, the poetry competition. Janeane, what will our judges be looking for here?

JANEANE
The judges measure originality, self-deprecation, and overall pathetic content. Nixon will go first.

NIXON
My love is like a brown, brown pile of shit
Smelly and revolting, like me
I should just give up on trying to have sex
And stick with pornography

JANEANE
Bob, a solid rebound from his mirror fiasco. The French judge in particular looks impressed. Here is Ariel.

ARIEL
Blackness all around
my funeral shroud covers me
while I still breathe.
There is no ringing
in my Bell Jar.

COSTAS (waits for a beat)
Janeane, any idea what the hell that was about?

JANEANE
No, it made about as much sense as my role in Mystery Men.

BOB
Let’s see if Belinda can make her revulsion rhyme.

BELINDA (very timid)
Joey, why won’t you look at me?
Am I not pretty?

She abandons any semblance of poetry and starts yelling.

It’s because I’m not as skinny as she is, right?
Or because when I went up to talk to you, I had that piece of ham stuck in my teeth...

She can’t continue.

COSTAS
Easily Belinda's best effort, but will it be enough...no! The gold goes to Nixon Dicks. He and Ariel are dead even entering the last event.

JANEANE
Bob, let’s get this miserable thing over with. This is more depressing than my box office receipts.

COSTAS
The last event is our group competition, "The Cry for Help."

The contestants are lined up before three phones. After a gunshot, Belinda and Nixon race to their phones and start dialing. Ariel simply stays in place, letting her black hair hang over her face. Belinda dials in first.

BELINDA
Yes, can you help me? I really like this guy but I’m morbidly obese. I work out and try to diet but it’s always the Ho Hos or the Super Value Meal or some other thing that keeps me from being thin.

NIXON (in mid conversation)
...I mean, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean, right? Hello? Hello? (becoming angry) Hang up on me? Well I’ll show you.

Nixon throws the phone down and stomps on it. A whistle is blown.

COSTAS
That signals the end of the competition. Who will win this event and walk away without their dignity...it’s Ariel Vanderhoffen! What a fantastic finish. Janeane, any word on why Ariel won?

JANEANE
Well, while Belinda and Nixon were truly pathetic, the judges were impressed that Ariel didn’t even try to call for help. Ariel, what do you have to say?

ARIEL (brushing her hair aside and smiling)
I won? Really. Wow, I’ve never won anything. That’s so cool. OhmiGod!

COSTAS
There you have it folks. Another loser blossoming into a winner here at the Low-Self Esteem Olympics.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Super Ads Super Blow

The beauty of the Super Bowl is that even when the game sucks, you can usually rely on the ads to make the experience entertaining. This year, though, we got the double Dutch action of a crap game and even crappier advertising (with the Stones serving as the mayo between the bread of this shit sandwich Sunday).

And the ads weren't just bland or bad, they often didn't make any sense. Diet Pepsi using “brown and bubbly” as a slogan? Yes, create a beverage tagline that immediately makes you think of the Diarrhea Song. (It was appropriate that they used Jay Mohr, since his act produces intestinal cramps.)

We also saw five blade shavers (how hairy can your scrotum be?) and a Go Daddy.com commercial that was like skipping the sex in a porn movie to listen to the dialogue. The only good commercials were the 127 Anheuser-Busch spots, which would have been a great advertising move if drinking their product wasn't like letting a Clydesdale piss in your mouth.

Of course, it's easier to tear down than build up. So in the spirit of putting my money where my smart mouth is, I thought of a couple commercials I would make if I abandonned any hope of writing a novel for the instant gratification of a $2 million brand-building money shot.


COMMERCIAL 1 (Sweet Surprise)

A HUSBAND walks into his kitchen at night, home from a hard day’s work. He sets his briefcase down on the table...and notices a white box of Krispy Kreme donuts.

In the upstairs bedroom, his WIFE is putting on a sexy bit of lingerie. She calls downstairs.

WIFE
Honey, I’ve got a special treat for you tonight.

In the kitchen, the Husband removes his jacket and loosens his tie, standing above the Krispy Kreme box.

The WIFE sprays some perfume on her neck.

WIFE
It’s super sweet.

In the kitchen, the Husband flips the box open and grabs a donut, licking a bit of glaze off his fingers.

The WIFE is walking down the stars.

WIFE
And it’s warm and hot and ready to be eaten.

The HUSBAND brings the donut to his lips.

WIFE (moving through the living room)
And it will just melt in your mouth.

The HUSBAND tears into the donut, practically stuffing the whole thing in his mouth.

WIFE (almost to the kitchen)
And when you get through, you’re going to want more, more, more!

The HUSBAND is devouring the box in an orgasmic fit of eating, glaze all over his lips and chin. He looks up and sees the wife standing in the doorway. He waves weakly, a half-eaten donut in his hand.

WIFE (scowling for a beat, then breaking into a smile)
I can’t believe you started without me!

They each grab a donut and feed them to each other.

CUT TO:
A screen showing a box of Krispy Kreme donuts

VO (sexy female voice):
Krispy Kreme donuts. Soooo good.



If the Diet Pepsi gurus had done that campaign, the tagline would probably have been: Krispy Kreme donuts. Brown and lumpy.


COMMERCIAL 2 (Make Way for B&J)

A LARGE MAN sits at a dinner table. There are several plates surrounding him, with bits and pieces of pasta, sauce, meat, and bread still clinging to the surfaces. The table top also has crumbs and spilled sauce scattered on it. The top button of his pants is undone, and he breathes heavily as if he is so full, he couldn’t eat another bite.

A HAND from offscreen nudges a pint of Ben & Jerry’s into the lower right frame. The Large Man’s eyes dart to it. After a moment, his hand slowly reaches up, his fingers fumbling around the container, finally grasping the pint. With great effort he pulls it toward him with one hand while his other hand reaches for a spoon.

A PINT of the ice cream and the slogan appear on the bottom of the screen.

VO:
There’s no such thing as full when it’s Ben & Jerry’s.


See, it's really not that hard to write commercials that avoid summoning images of anal leakage....

Monday, February 06, 2006

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we doing now that football season is over?

Special extended halftime show edition!

12) Considering filling spiritual void in life with church.
11) Placing three-way parlay on upcoming biathalon, ice dancing, and curling events.
10) Calling 1-800-BETS-OFF again.
9) Locating source of that smell/finding out what happened to the cat.
8) Assuming fetal position while watching reruns of NFL games on ESPN Classic.
7) Turning attention back to Osama.
6) Attempting to have sex with wife.
5) Finding out that wife has been having sex with pool boy every Sunday for the last 22 weeks.
4) Changing "lucky" underwear.
3) Feeding, clothing, nurturing children.
2) Retiring to suspended animation chamber until August.
1) Crying all the way back to Seattle.

Friday, February 03, 2006

The Making of Big Momma's House 2

FADE IN

INT. - Martin Lawrence's house

MARTIN LAWRENCE and JOHN WHITESELL sit on a couch.


LAWRENCE
I gotta take a nasty shit.

WHITESELL
Wait, let me get my camera. And put this dress on.

FADE OUT.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Wednesdays With Brando

I was doing up The IC* with TLB last night, and we got to talking about James Frey, the theory of "the 'M' in memoir stands for 'making shit up,'" and how said theory often translates into financial windfall for the liar author in question.

This segued into a conversation about what my memoirs would be called. I use the plural because I have such volumes of angst, neuroses, self-loathing, and unused one-liners that it would take a Britannica-sized set of memoirs, autobiographies, essays, and self-serving New Yorker pieces to catalog everything. Here are some titles I came up with that capture my life and could maybe help me muscle in on some of David Sedaris’s table scraps:

Two Sprained Wrists and a Smile

Rush Limbaugh...Naked...On a Pyramid of Butter...And Other Failed Experiments in Sexual Endurance

I Am the Champion: How I Won the Super Bowl, Killed All the Aliens, and Saved the Princess After My Wife Went to Bed

Aren’t You Going to Card Me? Reflections on the Aging Process

All Binge and No Purge: My Life in the Buffet Line

The Sweatiest Guy at the Gym

What Grown Man Would Travel 900 Miles to Go to a Rush Concert and Other Confessions

Where the Streets Have No Names Because I Was Too Busy Throwing Up on Them to Read the Signs

I Didn’t Know Hair Could Grow There: More Reflections on the Aging Process

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

I’ll Bet Jennifer Love Hewitt Has a Smelly Cooter
(Cultural Observations From My Couch Series, Vol. 1)

Don’t Laugh, It Only Encourages Him

Me n' TLB, the F. Scott to My Zelda



And if anyone from Harpo Productions is reading this, I swear every word would be true. Mostly. Most every word would be true. Many, many of the words would be true, except for the ones that aren't, but even those would be close to being true, unless the truth wasn't interesting and I make a few changes until I write how I can have sex longer than Sting....


*i.e. eating at Chili's and going to Target