Wednesday, August 31, 2005

"And Neal, I might add that, constitutionally, these folks only count as 2/3 of a person."

(Via Tappped)

In analyzing the complex, nuanced role of the federal government toward the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Fox News turns to none other than...a community college professor.

Here is the insensitive cunt face finder of lost Constitutional arguments himself, Jack Chambliss:

[T]he founding fathers never intended, Article One, section Eight of the Constitution, never intended to provide one dollar of taxpayer dollars to pay for any disaster or anything that we might call charity. What we now have is the law of unintended consequences taking place, where FEMA has come into New Orleans, a place where, ecologically, it makes no sense to have levees keeping the Mississippi River from flooding into New Orleans, like it naturally should.
Hmm...ol' Jack reminds of someone from a movie I once saw:

"Dang that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart."

I'm ready to fight America's greatest enemy, nature

As if New Orleans didn't have enough problems, guess who's rushing back to Washington to lend his rebuilding expertise to the situation?

I was reminded of another fearless leader arriving on the scene of an emergency.

Gorman: "Hicks, meet me at the South Lock. We're coming in."
Hicks: "Roger."
Hudson: "He's coming in. I feel safer already."

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

No Top Ten Tuesday today

I attempted to write something funny about Hurricane Katrina -- in the "laugh so we don't cry" mode -- but after seeing some more footage of the devastation, I changed my mind. I hope everyone there can put their lives back together, especially good friends PJKM and her trusty ghostwriter Middy.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Comedy messiah Charles Nelson Reilly was unavailable for comment

World O' Crap, the spectacularly snarky sniffer-outer of right-wing silliness, uncovers this headline:

Rock legend shreds Cindy Sheehan's peaceniks.

Who could it be? Bruce Springsteen? No wait, he hates freedom too. Janice Joplin? No, she's dead. It must be Ted Nugent, he hates peace almost as much as he hates green veggies.

Music and acting legend Pat Boone is blasting the peace message of Cindy Sheehan and other anti-war activists, claiming their rhetoric is making the U.S. more vulnerable to future terrorist attacks.

If I was making a list of 10,000 music legends, it would look like this:

1. Keith Moon
5. Jimi Hendrix
23. Stevie Nicks
93. Aimee Mann
4,571. Night Ranger
9,999. Glass Tiger
10,0000. (tie) Pat Boone and Billy Ray Cyrus.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

A currency of kittens

The Poor Man, who is rich with biting commentary, notices a trend among many of the "professional wingnut class": they have positions at a variety of think tanks, places like the Center for American Happy Thoughts and the Institute for Advanced Liberal Nut-kicking.*

He also has a useful six-step plan to creating your own think tank. One of the things you have to have is a crackpot economic theory (e.g. the rich are being squeezed to death by the death tax). The Poor Man's theory caught my attention:

"America must adopt the kitten standard, making kittens the standard unit of account.

The advantages of using kittens as currency are endless. Kittens can be used to create more kittens, which will encourage saving. A first world economy based entirely on unneutered kittens can expect to achieve an average growth rate of 900% per year, which far surpasses anything possible under the current system. If you try to steal a kitten, it will scratch you."

Kittens -- the new silver standard.

*Not to be confused with the left-leaning Institute for Liberal Nut-licking. The New York Times always gets them mixed up.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: What have we been doing since we got to college?

Special freshman fifteen edition!

15) Getting to know new roommate.
14) Getting away from new roommate because he masturbates when he thinks we’re asleep.
13) Getting drunk with cool junior across the hall.
12) Getting high with even cooler RA.
11) Getting together with cute girl down the hall.
10 Getting into an argument with the cute girl down the hall who knows all about destructive behavior because her father was a substance abuser and her mother was an enabler and...can’t remember the rest because of the blackout.
9) Getting together with cute girl’s much easier roommate.
8) Getting to the clinic for some free penicillin.
7) Getting Fs on all our midterms because we neglected the “education” part of “higher education.”
6) Getting on hands and knees and begging professor to give us another chance.
5) Getting embarassed when realizing we’re not in that professor’s class.
4) Getting so drunk we wake up pantsless in the quad. At noon.
3) Getting expelled for challenging dean to a “swordfight” after waking us up in the quad.
2) Getting little brother to move his shit out of our old room.
1) Getting used to delivering pizzas in 30 minutes or less.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Say it with Republicards!

New from Hallmarque!

Want to send a special thought to your favorite conservative? Then say it with RepublicardsTM. Choices include... (click image to see larger size)

And introducing our new Just for DemocratsTM line...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Age is a state of marketing

One of my dear friends and New Zealand’s greatest literary treasure, PJKM, has a special birthday today. I wanted to send her a very special birthday wish (a Gary Larson-esque inside joke).

I also wanted to remind her that many others believe that life begins at her age. Even better, some others believe that life begins at this age, which means both that PJKM hasn’t even really been born yet nor has she reached her prime writing age.

However, when many people reach PJKM’s age, they have what’s known as a mid-life crisis. Penis-enabled members of humanity are especially susceptible to this disease. Symptoms can include sports car purchases, the appearance of a trophy-wife-shaped tumor, hair dye, and the resumption of the fetal position and/or bedwetting.

But when considering age milestones, I follow the only complete, absolute truth in our society: marketing demographics. The good news is that PJKM's mid-demographic crisis is so five-years ago. The bad news is that mine begins in two weeks. Here’s how life truly breaks down, marketing-style.

Conception: The Old Navy Years (0-15)
I really like Shrek cereal, it tastes like Shrek! But Mom, all the other kids wear Nikes! They’re going to make fun of me. I don’t want juice, I want Capri Sun. It is not the same. We went to see Finding Nemo four times, then I got the DVD for my birthday.

Birth: The Abercrombie Years (16-24)
Omigod, you guys, Duece Bigalow 2 is even better than the original. Hey, did you hear the new 50 Cent? I just downloaded it off i-Tunes. I know, who buys CDs anymore? Dude, look at you, you gotta pull those pants down. Swing by early, we’re going to play some PlayStation hit that kegger—they’re getting Coors Light. Hah, hah, “...and twins”—yo, I love that commercial.

Prime: The Banana Republic Years (25-34)
Check out this new Kenneth Cole shirt. It goes great with these flared black pants. Just gotta throw a little pomade in my hair and I’m good to go. I’m going to pick up my date and see Wedding Crashers, then grab some Smirnoff Ice and hit that condo party. 401k? Relax, I’ve got plenty of time to save. Hey, there’s a sale at the Virgin Megastore, you should get the new 50 Cent. It’s kickin’. Seriously, I just bought the CD, I’ve got it in the Acura.

Change: The Dockers Years (35-44)
Yeah, that’s a really, really nice shirt, but you know, with the mortgage and all, I shouldn’t. I have my 401k maxed out, I really should have started saving as soon as I got a job. I did hear about that movie, the one with Vince Vaughn. But I’ll probably just rent the DVD. Besides, I’d rather stay home with a glass of chardonnay and watch Survivor. Yeah, that was rap coming out of the minivan, my stupid kid brother left his 50 Cent CD in there. Now the new U2, that’s a great disc.

Slide: The Haggar Years (44-64)
My kids bought me one of these MP3 players. I can fit all my Crosby, Stills, and Nash albums on there, and still have room for something kind of heavy like Springsteen when I’m fast walking. Unbelievable, I still remember how cool it was to have a Walkman. Of course, I can’t hook the damn thing up to the computer without the kids’ help. I wish they knew as much about pulling up their pants as they do about these gadgets. Speaking of, I’ve got to get to Sears to get some new slacks. Can you believe how much it costs to fill up an SUV these days?

End: The elastic waistband years (65+)
See these pants? Buy 2, get 1 free. They only had two colors, but you can never have too many navy pants. Music? It’s all terrible, these guys just talking and swearing. Give me a little Tony Bennett any day of the week. I like to sing along in the Lincoln. The movies are crap, too. My kids bought me a DVD player, but it’s too much work. I have to change the TV to some setting, and I can’t remember if the DVD label goes down or up, and then when I do get it to work, it’s just two hours of profanity and sex. So I usually just fall asleep watching CBS. Or I just watch whatever the grandkids watch when they come over. They like this cartoon about a fish....

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Gaza relocation strategies

Israel is currently taking a large step toward Middle Eastern peace by relocating settlers from the Gaza Strip. How is Israel convincing settlers to leave?

10) Sending Jews for Jesus door-to-door.
9) Proposing e-settlements as a convenient alternative to hurled-brick-and-mortared settlements.
8) Announcing Ariel Sharon will remove one item of clothing for each day settlers remain.
7) Revealing a new translation of the Torah that says actual Jewish homeland is in Miami Beach.
6) Helping settlers save 15% or more on their car insurance if they switch from Gaza.
5) Playing keep-away with their yarmulkes until they agree to move.
4) Feeding settlers metallic lox before sweeping area with giant magnets.
3) Shutting off their cable.
2) Having Taggert and his gang work up a number 6 on them.
1) Appealing to their rationality, nationalism, and goodwill, then, when that fails, turning on the fire hoses.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Why Elephant Supporters Aren't Funny But Ass Lovers Crack Us Up

A Circle Jerk editorial
(and our own attempt at a conservative joke at the bottom, if you could give a rat's ass about our opinion)

The editorial staff members of CJatSD believe that laughter knows no politics. Yes, this blog tends to do things like turn Karl Rove into King Kong. However, that's not so much because we hate unscrupulous Republican kingmakers, but because we think monkeys are funny. So despite the amount of side-splitting freedom hatin' that takes place at this Blogspot dive, we welcome anyone who can make us laugh, regardless of whether they believe hot gay action should be allowed openly in society or discretely relegated to the nearest diocese.

In fact, before the set-up sperm met the punch-line egg that conceived this blog, we tried to find some Internets conservatives who made us laugh. Clarification: who intentionally made us laugh. We found bupkis.

So we took special interest in a heated debate that recently sprung up about who brings the funny on the goose-stepping conservative side of the blogosphere. Fables of the Reconstruction began the GOP-funny-bone-tickling with a post, Where Are All the Funny Conservative Bloggers? He asked this question:

Is there a genetic link between humor and political outlook? Is there just some birth defect that prevents right-wingers from being funny?
Seeing as we have always been funny, even when we were brown-shirted Reagan youths in the 80s, we initially believed the answer was no. But then we read this rebuttal from the "humorous" conservative bloggers at IMAO:

The only thing I've seemed to notice as a key difference between liberals making jokes about politics and conservatives making jokes about politics is that conservatives seem to be able to laugh at themselves more. I poke fun of my own beliefs all the time here. Yet, I've never seen a liberal making fun of the common liberal beliefs he or she holds dear - even with all the material that's available! (Just think of Howard Dean alone!)
Hah hah, Howard Dean! Nothing says "zing" like GOP talking points. And everyone knows that Dick Cheney is famous for being able to take a joke.

IMAO also provided this comedy gem of how the other half laughs:


* Just don't demagogue like they used to.
* Too many carbs.
* No sense of humor.
* Only ones with sense of humor. Really! You only think you're laughing, you stupid conservatives!
* Needs more cowbell.
* Everyone is dumb except for them.
* Everyone has sense except for them.
* Too much fear of the reaper.
* Bush looks like a chimp and you can't compete with chimps because people love chimps!
* Thought of them taking on terrorists is laughable.
* Actually, being called a Democrat is more an insult to one's manhood than having it insinuated you're gay.
* And charges of Demophobia aren't shaming people.

IMAO reminds me of the guy in Roxanne who tries to insult Steve Martin by calling him Big Nose. At least we agree on the chimp part.

But surely, there must be funny conservatives, right? Scrappleface was another one that was suggested. It's a lot like The Onion, if you surgically removed the Onion's sense of humor. These people should be voting for Hillary in 2008 because they're clearly out of material.

We visited Iowahawk, who seems to be the Feldman to our Kramer. On the one hand, we appreciated him trying to write something funny about the terrorists. We've tried to do that, but have failed because we clearly love terror too much to mock it. At the same time, we also get the same vibe from him that we got from annoying uberdork Gabriel Koerner in Trekkies. Maybe we would laugh if he had pointy ears.

Furthermore, nothing we found on the "funny" conservative blogs was nearly as funny as what some of our favorite Al-Queda-run blogs said about why conservatives have trouble being funny. Sadly No! showed that you're in big trouble when your jokes make one long for the comedic stylings of Kenny Banya (Ovaltine, Jerry!). TBogg makes a good point that, like everything else in life, the answer involves sex.

But if there's one thing we at CJatSD love only slightly less than an effortless cakewalk, it's a challenge. Can we put ourselves in the shoes of those we mock? Can we bring the comedy pain from the other side of the aisle? Can we make Mallard Fillmore look like fois grois?

Our attempt at a joke for conservatives
in handy red-state red

Two Arabs walk into a detention center and approach a U.S. Army sergeant and a CIA officer. One Arab leads the other, who has his hands tied behind his back.

The first Arab says, "I'd like to report that this man is a terrorist."

The second Arab raises his head proudly, proclaiming, "It is true. Death to America! I will not rest until I have killed all the infidels in Iraq!"

The sergeant says to the first Arab, "Thank you for bringing this man in. You have saved the lives of my fellow soldiers and your people." He motions for the guards to take the second Arab away.

The CIA officer asks the first Arab, "Would you mind answering a few more questions?" The first Arab says of course, and he follows the CIA officer into a back room.

After about an hour, the sergeant wonders where the CIA officer is and walks to the room. When he enters, he sees the first Arab is chained in a stress position. The CIA officer is sodomizing him with a glowstick and beating him with urine-soaked Koran. "Jesus Christ!" the sergeant says, "What are you doing?"

The CIA agent answers, "Making sure he isn't an accomplice."

See, because all Arabs are terrorists. Get it?

Okay, maybe we do understand the problem now....

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Signs your space program is in deep trouble

10) Shuttle sits on blocks in NASA’s front yard.
9) Man in the Moon is looking at you and making chicken noises.
8) To generate more power to the thrusters, engineers suggest shoveling more coal.
7) Astronauts request ground control to play “Take This Job and Shove It.”
6) When battling clouds to land, the score is: water vapor 7, billion dollar spacecraft 0.
5) Cutbacks require replacing onboard computer with Commodore 64.
4) Have to ask the international space station for a jump.
3) Hubble Telescope keeps getting redirected to Jessica Simpson.
2) Re-entry requires a spacewalk from MacGyver.
1) The Russian you invited aboard says, “No thanks, I’ll take my chances with a sub.”